How much does it take to produce a good blog entry? Well.. alot apparently.. because all i have produced over the last 36 hours seem to be quite lousy.... Lousy.. but no doubt produced by the same person. Sort of adds some dimension to me doesn't it.. I am afterall a complex person.

What's the purpose of blogging.. It is an outlet to release my frustration? Is the innermost being hidden behind my flesh trying to communicate? Am I trying to seek attention? Is this a showcase of my writing ability? Or am trying to help people by dispensing some crap shit advice? I mean.. look at my life.. its pretty screwed up.. what right do I have to dispense advice... Well.. another way of looking at it.. the more mistakes one makes.. the wiser he becomes.. so take all hardship and silly mistakes with cheer.. its only a necessary evil to greater wisdom.. AHHHH.. I am starting to feel it again.. the desire the write something positive to cheer me and others up.

Shit happens to everybody... serious.. especially the nice people who can't bring themselves to lie, cheat, murder and do all that shitty things. You know.. sometimes when i get depressed I read the bible.. There was once I stumbled upon this phrase...

"Because you are not of this world, the world rejects you.. if you were of this world they would love you as their own.. As it is... they have rejected me (Jesus).. and no servant is greater than his master. If they rejected me... they will reject you too.'

I can't describe how enlightened I was when I read that phrase. It's like horray.. Jesus Christ predicted my shitty life.. and its not MY FAULT that my life has become so shitty.... its just the way things are. No one can tolerate a saint. Saints only make all the people around them look bad. People love other bad people because these people make them look good. Its all under comparison you see.

You see.. when shit happens we often blame ourselves. We search and search our lifes for areas that we have screwed up and hope that we can change ourselves in a way that will prevent the same shit from happening again. However.. what if the thing that has caused has caused this shit is simply.. you resisting the urge to do something bad? Does that mean you should be a bad person to prevent that shit from happening again? Yes... life is full of such complex questions..

Well, I don't know about you, but for me.. I really really don't want to degrade into a bad person just to survive. Serious. Afterall.. all the people around me come and go but only I have to live with MYSELF for the rest of my life... At least... I must be able to love myself... and in order to do that, I must know that I made the right decisions to do the right thing when I was given the opportunity to... Of course I might have screwed up from time to time.. but at least I tried my best... I need to know that I tried my best...

Whatever it is.. shit happens.. and when shit happens to someone we love.. someone close to us.. we sometimes ask ourselves if we have been partly responsible for that. If we could have done something to prevent it. But the truth is.. we are not God. We as humans have this innate need to protect our vulnerable lifes.. even if it is at the expense of someone else's life. So... I understand completely.. I don't blame anyone for any of the shit I have gone through... Yes.. I don't even blame myself anyone... I just take it as one of the mistakes I would have made if I was given another opportunity. Seriously.. I could have left NUSTKD just like that... But I wanted to establish a fact.. I wanted to know for sure that that guy is a selfish and cowardly jerk. That's why I came back. After I saw the worksheets with my SMSes... I established this fact... yes... I could now leave in peace....

Yes.. we all make mistakes.. and most of the time.. we hate ourselves for these mistakes... we hate ourselves for loving the wrong man... we hate ourselves for not being brave enough... we think and think and hate ourselves more and more... Ultimately.. it is forgiving everyone around you for all their silly mistakes that make us more able to forgive ourselves... and learn to once again respect the decisions we make... afterall.. it is written in the bible proverbs that

"A man's way are directed by God. How can he understand it?"

Everything that happened happened under the permission of God. And God has a good plan for all of us.. So just... stop thinking so much.. Be like a child... let God take control.. just remember to keep breathing.