Lament on Life

Sometimes I wish that I could live in a world by myself.. with no one who really knows or cares about me.. I wish I had a whole load of inconsequential acquaintances.... who will forget me immediatley after meeting me.. and I in turn can forget them instantly... I wish I had no friends.. no family.. no one to talk to or to listen to...

The only thing I have now that I really wish for is my Loki.... The only thing that doesn't demand my attention and tender loving care but the thing that inspires me to give to it so willingly.. that's my Loki.. If I could live all by myself with Loki.. with no one else who really knows or needs me.. how relaxing and comfortable would that be..

Perhaps I will spend the next two decades working hard and saving up.. then buy one of those houses on top of the blue mountains and stay there with my dog tending the maple tree and my garden... all by myself... day and night.. I can sit by the fire place reading books... I might even start a small taekwondo club teaching the kids how to keep fit.. and at the end of the day... I can go home to my little Loki.. who will always be there.. never to betray or hurt me...

All by myself.. things will be so simple.. I will have to care for only myself... I no longer have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.. i don't have to worry anymore about how you feel about me... and I don't have to try to make you laugh and feel loved anymore.. I can concentrate on loving and pampering myself.. making sure that I feel loved... that I am fed and that I have enough exercise...

If i could choose... this is all I want.. to be by myself.. with my Loki... Unfortunately... God has another purpose for me.. and to fulfil that purpose.. I have to plant myself amongst people.. but that's not what i want.. I am tired of being hurt.. dissapointed and let down again and again.. I just hope that I can lose everything that matters... that I can lose all my friends and family.. and just be totally relieved from the burden of being part of mainstream society..

I don't fit in... No matter how much I try.. I don't think like the things you do.. I don't want the things you do.. The things that make you happy, don't make me happy.. I am happy at different things.. I love different things... And because i am so different... no one can truly understand me enough to love me or give me what I want...

I am sick and tired of pretending that I am one of you.. I am not... I am sick and tired pretending that I am amused by the things that amuse you... I just want to be alone.. I hate human relationships.. I hate being close to people..

I can't trust anyone at all... no one earth at least... I trust God and Jesus... the rest... I just can't trust them anymore.. it's like i have lost this God given ability to trust.. It's no longer my choice.. I just simply can't trust anymore...