Pre-Vietnam thoughts

I am starting to believe that fighting international tournament is really a matter of experience... Seriously, the more experienced you are... the more able you are to deal with the stress and pre-tournament anxiety... For the last two international tournments I attended... I was really a matter of handling the stress of the anticipation... Long before I start fighting I am already mentally strained... which of course, does no good to the mind and body...

Perhaps, one must able to take the event lightly before he/she can perform... Of course you must still have the desire to win... But no more than that which you possess when you train... it is dangerous to make winning the top priority.. Instead, think about how you can enjoy the fight and perform at your best... This way, you won't be so pressurised... There will be a higher chance you can perform well for the competition as well as enjoy the trip as a whole...

Do not be illogically negative... If you are good enough to be selected... You'll probably won't be knocked out... Do not be overly confident as well... this will make you more vulnerable.. Instead, be vigilant, cautious and brave... Fight like you do normally...

I cannot lie to you... I am still very new at this.. and my lack of experience makes me very frightened... and I do know that for the last 2 international tournament I went for... the night before the fight and every hour leading up to me stepping into the arena is pure agony...

It is always the night before when I start questioning myself "Why do I put myself through this? Why didn't I pick up a safer sport? Why risk my life when there are so many other safer things I could do? What if I die.. or get handicapped? It is not worth it... I am quitting TKD after this tournament..." Yes... It always ends with that note.. I am quitting after this tournament..

BUT I never did... because though I am a coward.. I can't deny that i thoroughly enjoy the adrenaline rush.. the gracefulness of the sport... the sound of the padding when my kick contacts it... the execution of a turning kick... All this beauty... How can I forsake it? Why should I forsake it?

And the truth is, all that fear is illogical.... If you think about it, I am going to meet a girl my size... I am already sparring regularly with guys heavier than me... and I can always sleep peacefully the night before those sparring sessions... Why I so afraid of that girl I am going to meet? It is illogical... And the dead truth is also that I have been back-thrusted, kicked in the head (the eye even) by guys... and I am still standing... And I have already fought two international tournaments.. and I am still alive!!! So why am I so afraid?

This fear is illogical... And it is not only because the human denise is probably good enough to stay alive.. it is because, God has been taking care of me long before I became good enough to defend myself.. and God has never left me.. The fear is illogical... But I can't control it... I would like to commit it to God and pray for his love and grace that covers all sin....

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Dear Lord heavenly father,

I know that I am a coward.
And I lack the courage required to live the life you have planned for me.
Even now, I lack the courage to love the people I want to.
But above all, at this moment, I lack faith and courage,
Because I know deep down in me,
That I am not ready yet.
That the gold probably belongs to someone else.

But it is not in my strength, experience and capabilities that I trust.
It is in your grace and absolute power,
That transcends all understanding.

I know that if judged by the standards of this world,
I am lacking in all areas.
But in your eyes,
It is my weakness that has given you an opening to work.
Your strength is perfected in my weakness.
I pray now for a peace that I do not deserve.
I pray for the peace that Jesus died to give me.
The shalom peace,
That completes me and guards my heart from all fear and anxiety.

Perhaps, I should not pray to perform to the best of my ability.
For that is not enough.
I pray to perform to a degree of absolute brilliance,
Worthy of a Princess of God
that your glory might be known.

I cannot deny that
I fear that if I should under-peform,
I might be an embarassment to you.
And all those who believe in your grace through my testimony
Would be dissapointed.

But I also believe that you, my father who loves me,
Will not give me a challenge too big for me to handle.
You will not lift me up so high only to bring me down.
So it is in this love and grace that I put my trust in.
I pray that you guard all our hearts from fear
And bless us with peaceful travel and sleep,
That we might all enjoy this trip and return home safely,
Wiser and more experienced than before.

Dear Lord,

You work in amazing ways,
And even in dark failure, you have something good in store.
My wisdom is insufficient to understand your plans.
But I do know,
That when everything unrevels,
And the last piece of the puzzle is put in place,
I shall be totally amazed by your wisdom and grace.

Somehow admist the feelings of worry and neglect,
I feel your enormous embrace of love.
And it is this love, this feeling that I am important to you,
That makes all the difference in the world.
When I am most aware of your love for me,
That is when I am most magnificent.

But I fall,
I am fallible.
And when i lose sight of your love,
and focus my attention on the frugal human love I recieve,
It all pales in comparison,
And is greatly insufficient
And I find myself greatly unappreciated and unloved.
So I pray dear Lord,
That you bless me with peace and aboveall,
A constant awareness of your love for me.
The same love that sent you to sacrifise your only son,
In the most painful and shameful manner possible.

All this I pray in Jesus's name,
Amen