Soon to be famous quotes

Soon to be Famous quotes from Denise

• You cannot truly love something until you understand it.
• You can try to teach someone by speaking to him... but he learns through experience..
• For those who listen.. enlightment comes faster... but it is life experience that teaches them best...
• You can't force love.. similarly, you can't force anyone to attend training.. But if he has love for the sport... he will come automatically...
• Love is not charity... Be fair to the person.. let him go and find another who loves him better...
• If you find someone you really love.. love him with all your heart and soul.. for you do not know when that privilege will taken from you... (remember to put God in the center still)
• The more pain you experience.. the faster you learn...
• Only fools expect different results from doing the same thing... (not from me.. heard it)
• God has a good plan for everything.. Even what seems bad now.. can work out for the better.. it often does...
• You need to learn how walk away from a bad situation.. you are only human.. don't test your endurance and push your limit.. you will go crazy.. it is much better to feel lonely than irritated...
• It is hard times that truly test the character of men.. Good times (rare) are simply moments to refuel for the bad times...
• Appreciate your peaceful moments... for God loves to shower challenges on his people... to teach them to find peace in the darkest moments...
• Open rebuke is good.. but no one said it has to be harsh... it will work much better if put in a nice way.. remember to respect the ego...
• If you shout at a friend... even it is for his own good.. there is a high chance he will walk away from you and not take your advice... So... always choose the nicer option...
• Always think win-win.. even if it is in an argument with an enemy...
• Always respect your leader.. and when its your turn.. you will be respected too...
• Never be too serious and grown up that you forget to be a child...
• Treat every single encounter, hardship and relationship as a blessing from God.. to teach us something... Don't undestimate its purpose...
• When someone asks you for a favour.. do it... and in the future... your favours will come easy...
• Whenever possible.. always put the interests of others before you.. BUT don't overdo it or you can't live with yourself...
• Don't share your problems with others.. all you will have to be painfully honest in all your actions... (you can't pretend to be happy anymore)
• Don't judge the person who is bitching to you.. listen to what she's saying.. and keep a good opinion of her.. she's just feeling victimised and needs support
• The best gift you can give anyone is a good opinion of them.. they will be able to feel it...
• Love.. is to admit that you are wrong... even if you are 100% sure that you are right... just because you love that person and don't want to start an argument..
• Learn when to keep silent.. for even a fool kept silent is thought wise (from bible)
• Not all people respond well to the same medicine.. You got to try out different teaching techniques on different students.. Similarly.. different social behavior in different settings...
• There are two kinds of people - those who envy and hate those who are better than them (99% of the human population) and those who fall in love and admire those who are better than them (1%)... it is the latter who eventually become as successful as the ones they admire...
• You need to be completely confident and self-secure before you can be humble..
• You don't need a license to be yourself.. It's a God given right..
• Always follow your heart.. and you live a life without regrets
• It is NEVER too late to make ammendments for an old mistake.. Better to do it now... than to feel guilty forever...
• Only good people feel guilty.. because even good people make mistakes
• It is never too late to start on a new hobby.. start it now.. and two years later... you might be a black belt...
• Give people a chance.. you will be surprised how wise and intelligent others can be...
• If you are lonely.. get a dog.. don't go around looking for attention from humans.. you can only start a stable relationship when you are totally self-sufficient.
• It is ok to cry.. don't block the tears.. all you might get internal injury..
• Shit happens to EVERYONE.. especially good people.. so don't feel responsible when shit happens to you...
• Remember to respect a man's ego when you correct him.. if you destroy his ego he will surely perish from the loss of self-worth..
• Love is essential in proliferation... for every baby needs the love of an adult... or he will surely perish...
• Remember this.. everyone has their own flaws.. not one wise man in this world is without sin.. so abandon your pride.. and learn that we are all equal in God's eyes.. whether we are sinful or not.. so self-righteousness... just doesn't make sense..
• Absolute power corrupts absolutely (from Julius Ceasar Shakespeare)
• Even a small act of kindness can warm the heart to tears...
• You must confident and love yourself.. only then will you be able to love those who love you.. haven't you noticed? How some depressed people abuse those who show them love... it is because they doubt their own self worth.. and are thus suspicious of the other's intentions... Because they feel undeserving of love...
• Always accept a gift.. if you feel bad... just give another present in return...

My Childhood

I miss childhood.
The smell of coffee in the morning.
The rustling of newspapers with my eyes still shut.
The smell of cigarette smoke from the previous day.

I miss my Guma asking me what I wanted for breakfast,
and saying that I want Chai dao gui (carrot cake).
I remember liking roti prata with sugar and wanton mee too.

I miss bugging my cousins to bring me bishan park,
To feed the fishes with white bread.
I miss hiding under the bed every friday night,
When my parents came to 'fetch' us home.

I miss the sound of my aunt's sewing machine,
Puts me to sleep.
I miss 'Happy', the old brown Pomoranian,
Though she was grouchy most of the time.

I miss the salty taste of tears in your nose,
When you cried with all your heart over the smallest matters.
I miss being taught the right and wrongs,
By adults who really believed it.
These days I wonder how survived all their life with the same values,
While so many others were corrupted.

I miss watching the same fairy tales on black box tapes.
Rewind, play, Rewind play.
Cinderella, Roger Rabbit, Snow white.

I miss drinking soy bean milk,
and pretending that its real cows milk (which I hate),
And feeling like I'm part of a milk ad.
I miss drinking campbell soup with my sister,
and discussing which tape to watch again that day.

I miss building fragile little tents,
with blankets, chairs and pillows.
That fall apart so easily.
It was my secret hiding place with my sister.

Having a memory of the past is really a luxury,
For I have blocked out selective memories to make living easier.
For such a long time, I forgot what my childhood was like,
I am glad that I do remember these few bits now.
At least I have some stories to tell my kids in the future.

Better Man

Better man
Robbie Williams

Sent someone to love me,
I need to rest in arms.
Keep me safe from harm
and pouring rain.
Give me endless summer,
Lord I feel the cold,
Feel I'm getting old,
before my time.
Cause my soul,
heals the shame,
I will grow through this pain,
Lord I am doing,
all I can,
To be a better man.
Go easy on my conscience,
Cause it's not my fault,
I know I've been taught,
to take the blame.
Rest assure my angels,
Will catch my tears.
Walk me out of here,
I am in pain.
Cause my soul,
heals the shame.
I will grow through this pain.
Lord I am doing,
All I can,
To be a better man.

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Rediscovered this song today... while listening to my songs on my handphone.. Suddenly, I could relate so so so so so well to the lyrics.. Every single passage.. Serious.. its like I wrote this song... I really understood it at last... So, decided to type out the lyrics.. out of memory.. so pardon me if I got any mistakes (in case Robbie is reading this)...

I remember watching advertisements when I was much younger (14-15)... on Ayumi Hamasaki.. on how her music touches people and changes lifes.. I used to think to myself.. how can music do that? Today, I finally undrstand... It shows you that you are not alone.. So many people experience the same shit as you.. so many that one of them happened to be a song writer and another a singer... That's how you get a song a like 'better man' written and sang in a manner that really just says one thing - You are not alone.

More Lessons from Baba

More lessons from Baba. (please refer to earlier post on Lessons from Baba)

These are two things I noticed when I spoke to that lonely old man.. He seems to long for physical contact and for the ability to feel needed...

Physical contact - deeper into the conversation he kept asking to shake or hold the hands of my friend and I... Previously, I would declare this as an act of being overly friendly.. but there was something in me that really related to him.. He was just so lonely... I mean.. its ok to be a lonely 21 year old... at least you life is still at the stage where it give things to you (from indiana jones)... You have so much love to look forward to me the future.. so many kisses and hugs.. But what about this 60 plus plus year old man? He's got nothing to look forward to.. So he gets all the physical affection he needs from strangers... I hate to say that I pity him.. maybe I do.. but the truth is.. In this man.. I saw the needs and the areas of neglect of so many other people out there... whether we admit it or not.. most of us are just like him...


Ability to feel needed - almost immediately into the conversation... he started to try to read the palms of my friend and I... and he tried even to give us four numbers to make us rich.. This man is wise.. He is.. Life has taught him that people only want to take from you.... SO to make a friend.. you must first be of some service... and all he could provide was some basic palm reading.. So.. that's what he tried to do... but he didn't know was that.. what I was interested in... was basically to feed on his experience... I wanted to know myself better from conversing with him.. and I so truly wanted to do a kind act by offering a burger to a hungry man.. If he ate that burger in front of me.. it would be enough satisfaction for me... no palm reading or lucky four numbers required....

I must say.. that I DO FEEL GUILTY.. for reading Baba like a book... and potentially misintepreting his actions... I mean, I am sure he has the right to privacy and I am definitely not the best mind reader... its just I have learnt so much from him.. and I see so much of me in him... It's almost scary...

Exerpt from Psalm 103

Psalm 103

of David

Praise the LORD, O my soul;

all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

Praise the LORD, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits -

1) who forgives all your sins

2) and heals all your diseases,

3) who redeems your life from the pit

and crowns you with love and compassion,

4) who satisfies your desires with good things

so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

The LORD works righteousness

and justice for all the oppressed.

He made known his ways to Moses,

his deeds to the people of Israel:

The LORD is compassionate and gracious,

slow to anger, abounding in love.

He will not always accuse,

nor will he harbor his anger forever;

he does not treat us as our sins deserve

or repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

so great is his love for those who fear him;

as far as the east is from the west,

so far has he removed our

trangressions from us.

As a father has compassion on his children,

so the LORD has compassion on

those who fear him;

for he knows how we are formed,

he remembers that we are dust.

As for man, his days are like grass,

he flourishes like a flower of the field;

the wind blows over it and it is gone,

and its place remembers it no more.

But from everylasting to everlasting

the LORD's love is with those who fear him,

and his righteousness with their children's children

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Remember the story of David and Goliath? How a small boy defeated a giant because of his faith in the LORD.. Yap.. it is this small boy who wrote this Psalm. He eventually became king David. To fear the Lord is simply to worship the lord and know that he is God and in control of all things.. That's all...

So.. As long as you know that Jesus is Lord and God is your creator.. you are covered.. know your blessings my friend.. your benefits... and have a good opinion of God.. His love forgives you of all your sins.. so you really don't have to feel condemned or sinful.. Jesus has already died for your sins.. Just feel the peace of knowing that God loves you and only wants the best for you k... Shalom

Be a dreamer

A major problem in society is its confusion between realism and negativity. So many negative thoughts are being awarded the term realistic.

Haven't you heard someone saying somethings like:

"I actually have a keen interest in history and archeaology.. but I know that there is no real future in that area.. so I decided to major in business instead... I don't like business.. but at least I can find a job"

"I really love ballet but my legs are too fat and I am too short.. I have no future in this area... So I better not waste any more effort in this area.. rather focus on making money..."

"I really love taekwondo but I know I will never make it into the national team because I am just not good enough... think i should just become a science teacher and forget about being a fighter or taekwondo instructor..."

Strangely.. this kind of thoughts are widely applauded by the 'adults'... its called having your feet on the ground... and for all those people who stubbornly insist on pursuing their dreams despite all consequences.. people often slam them down as being unrealistic and childish... So little people actually give these passionate, brave people their due credit.

I mean to pursue your dreams... you really need alot of support.. determination and courage... Most of your pocket money goes into financing that dream and you have hardly any time to sleep and finish your reports let alone teach tuition.. so you really need your parental support.. that alone is already highly critisized by society as being dependent and selfish to your parents... on top of that.. you have family and friends coming to you and urging you to get your feet on the ground and drop your hobby.. get a tuition job.. support yourself...

All these are happening while you are trying your best to keep up with your studies and training. You have to rush a assignment but you have to go for training.. this often means that after training.. you have to get cans of red bull.. drink them down and work through the night.. this often results in you sleeping in class the next day.. which results in the need for more revision.. The stress is unimaginable..

It becomes worse when you have relationship problems or financial problems... Seriously.. the people who pursue their dreams are really admirable... and lonely.. because so little of the time.. people really appreciate their effort to continue a sport.. or an art.. they associate sports and arts as recreational activities.. but for these brave sportsman.. this is not only a recreational activity.. it is their passion...

So sometimes.. being realistic is simply knowing the human ability to achieve great things and not undercut this ability.. if you cannot understand or offer any support, at least just do your part in keeping silent.. do not immediately conclude that these people are dreamers and shut them off.. it is actually these passionate people that often end up breaking records and doing amazing things... It is the training in character.. perserverance and determination during their sports and arts that really build them up for greater things to come..

And of course.. to the dreamer.. the sky is the limit.. you just have to give yourself a chance.. Do the things you love... afterall.. you only live once... Stop envying other people.. if you always wanted to pick up latin dancing.. or maybe learn water colour.. or go into professional football.. now's the time.. you don't have to think and worry and worry.. don't waste your energy.. go ahead and do what you love.. money will follow...

But if you waste your one lifetime pursuing money.. before you know it.. you will be old.. and all the things you wanted to do.. will be more difficult to achieve... so.. as Nike puts it.. Just do it... Don't waste your energy secretly admiring dreamers.. become one.

More Proverbs

The following are from proverbs from the bible. (words from the wisest men)

Pride only breed quarrels,
but wisdom is found in those who take advice. (13:10)

The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life,
but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit (15:4)

A cheerful look brings joy to the heart,
and good news gives health to the bones. (15:30)

The wise in heart are called discerning,
and pleasant words promote instruction. (16:21)

Pleasant words are a honeycomb,
sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. (16:24)

He who covers over an offense promotes love,
but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. (17:9)

A friend loves at all times,
and a brother is born for adversity. (17:17)

Before his downfall a man's heart is proud,
but humility comes before honour. (18:12)

The purpose of a man's heart are deep waters,
but a man of understanding draws them out. (20:5)

All a man's ways seem right to him,
but the Lord weighs the heart. (21:2)

He who pursues righteousness and love
finds life, prosperity and honour. (21:21)

It is the glory of God to conceal a matter;
to search out a matter is the glory of kings. (25:2)

If you argue your case with a neighbour,
do not betray another man's confidence,
or he who hears it may shame you
and you will never lose your bad reputation. (25:9-10)

If you find honey, eat just enough-
too much of it, and you will vomit.
sheldom set foot in your neighbours house -
too much of you , and he will hate you. (25:16-17)

Better is open rebuke
than hidden love. (27:5)

As iron sharpens iron,
so one man sharpens another. (27:17)

As water reflects a face,
so a man's heart reflects the man. (27:19)

If a king judges the poor with fairness
his throne will always be secure. (20:14)

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Each quote is an entire story of its own.. It's takes experience to really understand the wisdom of the quote.. So don't underestimate these quotes.. memorise them.. meditate on them... even one quote a week can make an impact on your life... afterall they are God's words... pick your favourite quote and meditate on it today..

Psalm 91

Extract from Psalm 91

Because you have made the LORD,

who is my refuge,

Even the Most High, your dwelling place,

No evil shall befall you,

Nor shall any plague come

near your dwelling;

For He shall give his angels charge over you,

To keep you in all your ways.

In their hands they shall bear you up,

Lest you dash your foot against a stone.

You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra,

The young lion and the serpent you shall

trample underfoot.

Lessons from Baba

When I was in secondary school I was introduced to christianity... Yes.. I went to PLMGSS.. A methodist secondary school... That's where i became a christian...

I remember asking God, on one particular occasion, for forgiveness for being so obsessed with my problems when there are so many bigger problems happening around the world.. earthquakes... floods.. droughts... global warming... African babies with Kwashiorkor (big bellies) ... I felt so childish and selfish for not caring about these bigger problems.. and focusing on my itty bitty problems...

Yes.. Today I got the same feeling... As I watch the charity programme to raise funds for the Se Chuan earthquake... I felt so bad for being unable to do my part in solving that big problem... and worse.. for not being aware of the scale of damage until today.. Man.. its makes me feel so ignorant and self centered.. living in my own comfort zone.. sleeping in an air con room on a queen size bed with a furry Loki at my feet.... worrying about whether I will get a boyfriend ever... I mean.. there are thousands of people out there who are DEAD.. the just died in an instance.. I mean.. they are just numbers.. and worse.. people who are still alive with no where to go.. I am sure they won't be worrying about bullshit problems like mine... they just want to stay alive.. you know.. find a place to stay..

Well.. I got to tell you.. I feel so damn lucky at this very moment.. Enlightment.. Happiness... I ALREADY HAVE IT. =) Yippie!!

Of course being an adult.. not just any adult but a genius adult.. other issues did pop up in my head.. I thought of why God would take away so many lifes in an instant.. Why did he permit such an atrocity to happen?I mean.. of all those who died.. I am sure there were christians too? What if I happen to be at sze chuan.. would i be dead by now? I mean.. surely there are miraculous tales of those christians who survived.. but what about the other thousands who died.. I am sure they prayed too.. So many questions...

But I guess these are questions God will answer me when I grow older... You will be surprised how God teaches you.. sometimes he speak through people.. Yap.. unlikely people..

Met this approximately 60 years old Indian man at macdonalds today.. was having a drink with my friend after training. He sat beside us and started mumbling to himself... I decided to start a conversation with him... He looked lonely.. I like talking to people like myself.. I asked him a few basic questions like if he stayed nearby.. what was his name.. and if he had dinner already.. strangely.. when I asked him that question.. his reply was NO.. then I asked him.. are you hungry?

Yes..
Do you want to eat?
Yes... but I got no money.
I can buy some food from Macs for you.. too lazy to walk too far. Is that ok?
Why are you so kind to me?
For no reason.
Why are you so proud thinking that you can help me?
I just don't want people to be hungry.

Then I proceeded to Macs to get him a double cheese burger.

After I came back with the burger, he just looked at the burger.. He refused to touch it.. I immediately fell into the conclusion that he thought that I was pitying him and it hurt his pride so much that he didn't want to eat though he's hungry.. Mind you... He's not some pitiful old man.. He's actually quite well spoken... it's just that he was a little tipsy... as I found out in the later part of our conversation.. self-declared alcoholic... Aha.. another similarity with me...

Well.. I got pissed.. I was angry that he didn't want to eat the cheeseburger and even said that I was stubborn.. so when he tried to speak to me again.. I ignored him... gave him a stone face... He asked why you sad?

I said this, " I am sad that there are so many bastards and bitches in this world that are so unappreciative.. you are nice to them and they treat you like shit."

Oh well, I must say.. I am quite a blunt person... So he started his long monologue on how boyfriends don't matter.. you can get a hundred thousand of them out there but your parents are the most important.. Only 2 in the world... and that you should never allow a man to touch you.. or you will be seriously devalued... a man who loves you will wait... Well, he assumed that I was pissed about some BGR problems... good guess.. after all I am a young woman...

So after that.. he asked if my friend and I had boyfriends? I said no..

Not one before?
Nope.

He asked her and found out that she had had relationships before.. Then he fell into another conclusion.. He looked at my friend and said:

That's because you are kind while your friend is stubborn and proud and tom boy..

At that moment I was realy tempted to grab the cheeseburger.. gourge it in front of him and walk of..

Then he started talking about himself.. His own problems.. He told us that when his son wanted to get married.. he gave him 40000 dollars out of CPF to pay for the wedding.. and now he stays with his son and his son only gives him 2/3 dollars a day to survive.. he doesn't even have enough money to buy alcohol of cigarettes.. and for 11 times he was picked up by the police man and told sent home... he was actually crying when he told us this story.. and I could really feel his pain..

I mean.. when you see a mumbling old indian man... who is mildly tipsy and asking you for a cigarette.. most people would brush him off as a demented old man.. who ever talks to such people? The thing is.. I felt like I really understood his pain.. I told him that I had a similar experience..

Really?
Not as bad as yours lah.. Yours is 20, 30 times worse man.
Your son so bad to you.
He not bad.. He's bad bad bad..
Yah.. You're right.. he's super duper bad..

Then I went on to ask him why he doesn't want to get a job.. maybe work at Macs.. at least he will get more money.. and won't be so dependent on his horrible son anymore.. Of course I was bearing in mind that his son probably doesn't want him to have enough money to drink and smoke.. so only gave him 3 dollars a day.. but what I was looking at was a man.. who was stripped of all his ego... all his pride... and treated like a child.. by the man that he raised from a baby... and gave all his CPF too.. I really had to give him some support... you know... at least prove to him that he's sane to believe that his son sucks... give him some support.. some form of love...

Then he told me that he doesn't have appitite to eat because he's very sad... and he was sobbing again.. I told him.. that He should eat and be strong.. eat that cheese burger and pick himself out.. that he was well-spoken and still quite young.. he can work and be useful.. at least working can take his mind of his ungrateful son.. Wah... at that moment.. I realised I totally misjudged him.. He didn't ignore the burger because he hated me.. he was just too upset to eat...

From talking to this old man.. I finally understand that my pain and loneliness is not unique.. So many people have it.... old people especially.. they have slogged their lives away.. providing for their children... giving their children the best they can afford.. and before they know it.. they are old.. if you think you have problems with self-image and self-esteem.. think about an old person.. he can't see well.. he can hear well.. he is not a agile and mobile as before.. his hair is all white.. he's got teeth missing... he doesn't know the latest internet and handphone gadget.. Imagine.. this is the truth.. we will all reach that stage some day... and all we can hope for is for our children.. the people we contribute so much to.. to feel appreciative... but sadly... so many kids are taking their parents as burdens.. you know.. they are like saying things like.. my dad is going senile.. he doesn't know what's good for him so I must control his spending by giving him 3 dollars a day.. I mean seriously.. why are you treating your dad like a primary school child.. 3 dollars.. your dad can't even eat a proper meal...

So i decided two things.. to be a self-sustaining aged (in the future) and to never give my CPF to my kids.. to round things up.. to never give more than I can afford to give.. If I give to the extend that I feel the pain and the need to be appreciated... then its too much.. I must always be able to give and forget the gift.. Or else.. I can very well end up like that 60 year old gentleman.. depressed and dying of 'lack of appreciation.....

And for now.. I decided one more thing.. to love my parents.. because if anyone deserves it.. its them.. and if they ever get to live with me in their golden years.. I will treat them with respect.. as discerning adults.. and give them the freedom to do what they want... definitely not give them just 3 bucks and ask them to make it by on their own... its just inhumane.. but its so common... you see it everywhere.. children refusing to acknowledge and support their parents because of some minor misunderstanding in the past.. things like...

"My mum used to beat me up like shit when I was young."
"My dad made me work in the coffee shop and caused me to have less time to study.. that's why I am such a failure today."

I mean afterall.. we are all human.. even our parents make mistakes.. Why punish them by treating them like shit in the last few years of their lives?

Of course.. for me.. I will never expect my kids to look after me when I am old.. I will rather check myself into a nursing home than to become a burden to them.. I must be completely self-sustaining... even at an old age when i look terrible and can hardly see or walk.. I want to be a blessing to people around me.. not a burden...

Well... maybe I am thinking too much.. but today.. I really really really learnt alot... Got to thank that old fellow.. his name is Baba.

Don't worry be happy

I notice this trend... very prevalent in today's society.. Worring... for NO GOOD REASON.. you just like to worry.. and you file it under the pretense of planning for the future...

You had a great night out with someone new.. and the next day you find youself worried if this would escalate into something titanic.. bad.. doomed for destruction.. I mean.. hello.. you haven't even gotten to the second date what you so worried about... Some people start worrying when they are on the brink of getting attached to a guy.. some start worrying when they are going to get married.. most of the time.. people worry when something good happens in their lifes.. They just can't believe it.. They imagine that its God setting them up for one more major dissapointment.. I must admit... I am one of this people..

The problem with this kind of tendency to worry when something good happens is that its makes us very upset when happy things happen.. We find ourselves doubting the sincerity of the other party.. This normally escalates into a self fulling prophesy where your greatest fears come true...

So the solution for this problem is just to learn to have a good opinion of God.. Serious.. he is not trying to make a fool of you.. he's not trying to dissapoint you.. this time.. he really wants to bless you with this.. just try not to sabotage your own happiness..

With that said.. I love the way my sister puts it.. "If God wants to bless you with something.. you cannot run away from it. You can try, but he will find you and strike you with that blessing." Yap... so just know that no matter how much you have tried to sabotage your own happiness.. happiness is still on its way... for all you know.. it already here.

Yellow belt in love

Just a few days ago.. maybe a week ago.. I was teaching this small boy how to do a triple turning kick.. Seriously.. triple turning kick is really not one of my fortes... Just picked it up about 4 months ago when I joined my new club... This small boy around 12 or 11 was unable to do the kick.. He refused to lift his supporting foot off the ground to execute the three kicks at once.. I asked him, "Why don't you try.. at least try.. you know.. maybe do one turning kick followed by a double turning.. must at least try... brown belt already you know.. should be able to kick double turning kick."

He told me " I am scared cos when I tried it last time, I fell... very painful."
" It's ok.. Just try again..Try until you stop falling... I fall all the time too... but after falling a few more times.. you will pick up the technique... Just don't stop trying."

Well, after I said that, he really tried. At least he tried.. and after a few rounds.. I could see the remarkable improvement..

The thing is.. most of us are like that isn't it? When it comes to love.. I wonder why people call it falling in love instead of rising in love? Some of us fell once.. long long time ago when we were just amateurs and we assume that we should never try it again because we are just bad at it... it's really very much like picking up a new taekwondo kick... you keep falling.. and its very painful.. and after awhile.. you just conclude that this kick is not for you... but the truth is.. all experts start off as amateurs.. You just got to keep going.. You might have been a yellow belt in love when you first started but now you are already a brown belt.. go out and give it a shot.. For all you know, you might just perfect that kick.

My sad love life

How do guys function? How do you make a guy fall in love with you?

Beats me man.. That's probably why in the last 21 years of my life.. I have yet to have a relationship... nope.. not one boyfriend.. Kinda sad ain't it? Maybe I should just train myself to be the docile, gentle, sweet, soft-spoken type.. Then maybe I will have a chance of getting married someday.

But heck it.. if it comes down to either being myself or getting married.. I still choose.. being myself.. perhaps one day I will rent a bridal dress and take a few photos with loki... Blow up the biggest one and hang it on my bedroom wall.. officially married to my dog...

what's love -poem

Tried to write a poem on love... Then realise that no one can produce a good piece of writing on something he doesn't know enough about... So this poem.. was left hanging as such.. will fill it in one day.. when I learn how to love... and be loved...

_________________________________________________________

What's love?
Love holds the world together.
Is love strong and forceful?
Yes, love is strong.
Love is forceful, in its own way.
What way?
Like water is to rock.
Love hits us gently but totally transforms us.
It changes us.
Makes as smooth as marble.
But yet it is not harsh.
So love is powerful?
Yes, love is powerful.
Is there anything more powerful than love?
What about God?
My friend God is love.
But where is love, I can't feel it. I can't see it?
Can you see God?
Can you see air?
But you know its there.
And when air moves,
you feel it as the wind.
Yes. So love is always there.
But you feel it most when its in actions.
I want to be loved.
How do i make people love me?
To be loved,
You must first love.
But I tried so hard,
I gave so much,
And people still do not love me.
People do not know how to love.
If you look for love in them,
You will be dissapointed.

Poem

Clinical Depression
I am not attention seeking,
Please don't hurt me with your indifference.
I only need abit of your time,
A few sweet words to keep my hopes alive.

I am not a saint,
Please don't expect me to hold it all together.
How can I behave normally,
When everything is a mess?

I am not strong,
Please don't try to break me.
I am just like you,
Would you do that to yourself?

I am not a tree,
Things you do really affect me.
Is it too much,
To expect abit of privacy and respect?

I am not unfeeling,
Please do not lift me up just to throw me down.
How can I control myself from liking you,
When all you have done mean so much to me.

I am not a criminal,
Please don't trial me like one.
"I am just your student"
Then please treat me like one.

I am not you,
Don't expect me to behave the same way as you.
Of all the things I wish to be known for,
Hate is not one of them.

God for the secular soul

This is the introduction of one of the books I wrote over the years... Never quite made it to the eyes of anyone though... I wrote this book for him.. wanted to give it to him this christmas.... its called.. God for the secular soul... Well.. here's the introduction and the first chapter.
_________________________________________________________

There are many ways to tell a story. For years, I have tried to remove God from the stories I told. I tried to make them palatable and acceptable to the secular ear. Perhaps, I was trying to make my listeners more comfortable. No one really enjoys being persuaded into a religion. However, in this book, I intend to bring God back into the equation in my own gentle way, with his power and wisdom no doubt.

I was tempted to put the following words as a chapter on its own, situated comfortably in the centre of the book. A specific chapter entitled ‘political suicide’. I was afraid that readers would skip the introduction, as many often do, and miss out the very root of this book. Why was it written and why at this moment, I am so aware that it will indeed touch lives. There are so many people I love. But sadly, a huge majority of them are still unaware of the presence of God. This book is written for them and for you.

Most people embark on a book with great zeal. They start with the intention of finishing the book and feeling the satisfaction that comes with pulling themselves through a huge mountain of words. I shall capitalize on this zeal to plunge right into the topic – political suicide. It is a short letter I wrote to myself, at a particularly difficult point of my life to remind myself, not to be a good Christian, not to be outstanding, but simply, to stay alive.

Political Suicide
We might not know it but we indeed are our own greatest enemies. People can bitch, they can be evil, and they can be cruel or inhumane. We cannot control how they behave. But we can control the way we react. More than often, it is not things that people do against us that cause us to stumble. It is the way we react to these things. The world revels in the setting traps to place us in uncomfortable situations. Sometimes, God allows for such uncomfortable situations to happen in order to toughen us up for greater things to come.

Imagine yourself at the edge of a cliff. You are just sitting at the edge of a cliff. Of course you are uncomfortable and afraid. But note this, you are not dead yet. But many people do not recognize the fact. Or maybe they do, but they are just simply too uncomfortable and too afraid of falling off the cliff that they simply end their agony by throwing themselves off the cliff. They commit suicide, political suicide. But please before you take plunge, take a step back. Rest and be still. Wait a moment, do nothing. Stay still and trust God. In many situations, nothing needs to be done. All you need to do is wait, and time will do the healing. Just wait. And you will find yourself receding further and further away from the edge of the cliff.

________________________________________________________

It's been months since I wrote this piece of work... It's ironic how looking back now.. I am impressed by the remarkable faith I had in God.. I was in such a difficult position.. any moment.. If I made a mistake.. I knew that he wouldn't hesitate to throw me out of the club.. Now that it's finally over.. and I am finally thrown out of the club.. I actually feel relieved.. I feel that when you are in love with something.. you become very vulnerable because there's this one thing that you can't afford to lose... Now that I have already lost it.. I actually feel so much more at ease.. I can breath easy at last...

I used to be so confident.. now I am quite different..

Primary school

I am part of twin.. Yes.. twins are special.. they are highly pampered and loved... So from young.. my parents have very unfortunately inculcated this narcissism in me... In many ways.. I have become a very overprotected an spoilt person..

I remember when I was in primary school... The first time I was thrown into a group of peers.. people my age... I was actually quite uncomfortable.. I was so used to being treated like a princess... I wanted people to listen to me when I spoke.. I demanded attention.. and of course.. its one teacher to a class of 36... its literally impossible to get her attention...

To cut the long story short.. my inability to assimilate into the environment has led me to become inevitably ostrasized at the very young age of 10. I remember feeling so lonely and left out.. the stark contrast between my pre-school years where adults showered their attention on me freely... However... there was something in me that developed during that point of time.. Unlike most people.. I developed an ability to revel in the joy of others...

When the kids refused to play or associate with me.. I would find myself a comfortable spot near the playground and observe the other children playing... when they said or did something funny.. I laughed.. I took a part of their cheer as my own.. and the strangest thing is.. I was not jealous of them at all.. In fact.. I appreciated their existance.. their ability to be happy brought me cheer.. So.. at a very young age of 10, I learnt that if ever your life gets too hard to bear.. there's always the other option of partaking in the happiness of others.. In fact... the more self-obsessed you are.. the more unlikely you are to find happiness.. but love... if you love others.. and their joy becomes your joy.. your joy will be endless.

My ambition

There is so much I can say to clear my own reputation.. Unfortunately, that would have the impact of ruining the reputation of the person I used to love... so forget it.. I just that my actions will speak for themselves.. Afterall.. having a mysterious past makes people more interesting.. so I don't wish to reveal too much in this blog just as yet...

The great thing about story telling is the writer's ability to bring a message across without having to spell it out.. It's the story line... the reactions of the characters in the story that brings his message across... You know something.. when it comes to ambitions, I have thought of many things including becoming a taekwondo instructor... a food critic... but above all things.. I wanted to write.. I wanted to become an author.. To write things that really impact the world in a positive way.. So I begun on my many books... most of them self-help books offering my 'wisdom' from my experiences... but none of these books really got very far.. Then it dawned on me.. Perhaps the best way to teach people is basically to tell them a story.. I mean even Jesus taught the people with stories...

So perhaps.. I should start on my very own story... My first official attempt... On this very blog.. .

Living with myself

Wrote a couple of blog entries slamming that guy... went to bathe and when I got back.. I deleted them... I MUST never sink as low as he.. I must never do such things to the one I used to love...

For me.. loving someone.. or saying that you someone.. comes with a heavy responsibility... when you say that you love someone.. it's simply saying that you will always support him no matter how many times he screws up.. and you will never do anything to hurt him.. So though I can't remember how the feeling of loving him.. I think the least I can do is to protect his privacy by not sharing the things he told me with all of you... I mean... I know he did betray me but I don't have to sink to his level...

I need to know in my heart that I am a person who really knows how to love.. Yap.. so that's it for now.. hopefully I won't be tempted to bitch about him again.

Photos

Decided to add some photos to my blog.. Freaked out when I uncovered all the photos of 'him' and 'her' in my lap top.. its like having the ghost of christmas past staring at me .. Time to do a spring cleaning.. Deleted them..

I present to you some of my favourite photos. Took them ALL MY MYSELF... I love colour.. so my photos are usually quite colourful... Enjoy...

Find them a little distracting though.. Might be removing them soon. So you can concentrate on reading the words..

Favourite proverbs from the bible

A man's steps are directed by the Lord.
How then can anyone understand his own way? (Proverbs 10:24)

So simply stop thinking and worrying... afterall.. only God has full control.. he will direct your steps whether you like it or not.. don't waste your energy worrying about things that are either over.. or can't be helped.. just relax and try to enjoy life with what you've got.

Pride only breeds quarrels,
but wisdom is found in those who take advice. (Proverbs 13:10)

Love this quote... so next time when someone offers you advice.. put your pride down and try to listen... there is a high chance there's some kind of truth in that advice.. so just listen.. no harm listening.. don't slam that person immediately or he wil definitely not give you an advice in the future...

A generous man will prosper;
he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed. (Proverbs 11:25)

Self explanatory.. Just give.. Don't hesitate to give.. especially if you have excess. =) You will feel very fulfilled... and you will find loads of real friends entering your life too... Everyone loves to give to a generous man...


A kindhearted woman gains respect,
but ruthless men gain only wealth. (Proverbs 11:16)

Respect can't be imposed.. you must gain it by doing things others regard as difficult... this will make you appear wise.. and people will respect you.. Difficult things include holding your temper, overlooking the offenses of others, forgiving the trepasses of others, or simply staying positive at the face of adversity.

Do not wear yourself out to get rich;
have the wisdom to show restraint.
Cast but a glance at riches, and they are gone,
for they will surely sprout wings and fly off to the sky like an eagle. (Proverbs 23:4-5)

How true.. As pastor prince puts it.. there is good wealth and bad wealth.. Good wealth is wealth that makes you happy and satisfied.. Bad wealth is wealth that tires you out.. makes you work overtime.. makes you travel overseas and neglect your family.. so between a promotion and more family time.. you really have to choose wisely.. don't go after a wealth you cannot control... don't become so powerful that you are surrounded by pretty secretaries and tempted to get into an affair... that's really not very wise.. show restraint.. think far...


God's wisdom.. far exceeds mine.. Will be posting more of my favourite quotes soon. =) God's talking to you..

Things that scare me

Things that scare me.

Man...
Ghosts..
Heights..
Fighting tournament..
Fighting with guys...
History repeating itself...
Falling in love...
Trusting someone...
Dissapointment..
Staining my pants..
Dying without saying I love you..
People not laughing at my jokes...
People condemning me for the mistakes I have made..
People discovering that I am not as good as they imagined...
Not making it to honours year..
Being scolded by Ms Kok for missing ballet..
Being scolded by Niki Mam for missing taekwondo..
People rejecting my gifts...
People being too nice to me for no apparent reason...
Blisters
Cold water
Cold room
Going out to Sea (Seasick)
Playing the piano (very bad at it)...
People deciding to hate me all of a sudden...
Loki being put to sleep by my parents when I am out..
Car Accident.. Scared of losing my legs (no more tkd and ballet)..
Pimples..
Wrinkles (growing old)..
Gaining weight..
My teeth growing out of shape.. (braces was so painful)..

Things I am scared of.. Everyday I prepare myself for these things.. In case, if they really happen.. I won't be caught off guard.... at least I will be mentally prepared.

Self - pity

I try to control myself.. but I keep finding myself completely out of control.. I cry alot.. sometimes on the way to ballet... on the way to Taekwondo class... hardly on the way home though.. usually too tired... also because exercise makes you happier...

I try to control myself.. But I keep crying.. Try to keep it discreet though.. Normally starts with a few small tears... but it almost always escalates into a silent outburst... but face get crippled into a disgusting mess of tears.. and my mouth opens slightly releasing a silent scream... well.. i suppose i do freak out many SBS bus and SMRT commuters.. but what about what's going on inside..

You see, only self-centered people get depressed... especially one as narcissitic as me.. I just can't seem to understand why people will hurt me so... It's the self pity that kills me... You see... it normally starts with innocent thoughts like...

How's the club?
Do they miss me?
Do they still hate me?

Then it escalates into...

Why do they hate me?
Why did they abandon me?
Why did he sacrifise me?
Is he sorry?
Why didn't he trust me?
What's wrong with me?
Am I a freak?
Why are people like that?
What did I do wrongly?
Have I done anything correct in my life?
Am I even good at taekwondo?
Are people are too nice to tell me that I am bad?
Am I ugly? Is that it?
Why do the pretty girls have it so much easier?
Am I desperate? I must be.. all ugly girls are desperate.


Yap.. so that's about it.. in summary.. I am just an insecure brat who can't control her thought process enough to rule out self-pity.

Things I like

Let's talk about the things I like..

I like glittery things.
I like Green.
Secretly, I like pink.
I like ballet... its so graceful and fairy like.
I like eye liner (but it makes me look like a panda).
I like Adidas.
When I was a colour belt, I dream of wearing a black belt gi... Yes.. I like black belt gi.
I like black leotard.
I like dogs.
I like koalas.
I like sunrises.
Sunset I like.. but they make me sad...
I like staying up late with my friends till I am so drowsy I can't keep my eyes open.
I like kicking sandbag.
I like kicking padding.
I hate kicking elbow... So I only kick when I am confident I can get the padding/head.
I like Keanu Reeves.
I like Takeshi Kenishirou (pardon my spelling).
I like korean drama.
I like long black hair.
I like long wavy hair.
I like short bobs.
I like a neat room.
I hate spiders and spider webs.. they scare me...
I like guys who are humble and kind..
I like confident guys...
I like french guys...
I like taekwondo...
I like Ballet..
I like watching movies..
I like eating popcorn in a cinema..
I like doing things the first time with a new group of people.. ( KTV, movie, shopping)
I like watching ferguson on the youtube..
I like poomsae...
I like tall guys..
I like people who smile alot...
I like cool people too...
I like babies breath (flower)...
I like triple front kicks...
I like reverse kick (back hook)...
I like pirouettes..
I like pointe shoes...
I like dresses (can't find one that fits me though)...
I like high heel shoes (cause me blisters so I keep clear though)...
I like cute things from action city...
I like soft toys...
But I like loki more....
I like queen size bed (can roll around)...
I like Australia...
I like the blue mountains..
I like sleeping on a train/coach...
I like the smell of air planes..
I like taking a plane alone..
I like airline food... ( I dream of flying first class one day)...
I like fighting in tournament (damn scared everytime.. freak out when they call me to report)..
I like dancing during ballet class (that matters the most to me.. not exams/performances)..
I like training TKD (not only tournies but the trainings)...
I like blue skys...
I like cold breeze..
I like Australian Bondi beach (sydney)..
I like cold sand..

Communication

Lately I find my thoughts organised strangely into words.. words that fit into a blog entry... Somehow.. this blog.. dbrave1 has become a very good friend of mine.. I find myself rushing home.. switching on my lap top and typing away... Then it dawned on me... what a friend actually really is... Very simple.. A friend is simply a good listener. Don't have to be a good talker..

A good example.. my dog Loki.. He never speaks back to me when I pour out my problems to him.. he just sits quietly beside me licking up my tears from time to time... Yet.. I feel so loved... In fact... my loneliness is lifted only when I am near him.. it is mind boggling isn't it.. how a dog can outdo all the other humans in my life.. mind boggling.. OF COURSE... I must give my other human friends their due credit.. they have been immensely patient and kind... The most important part of communication is listening.We must all learn how to listen.

Listening is not simply tolerating the rattling of your friend.. it is really to try to put yourself in the shoes of the person and try to understand what he is trying to communicate with you.. Communication is really not a game of ping pong or badminton.. You don't have to take turns and speak.. sometimes.. when you are seriously depressed... you really to have a listening ear... in such cases.. communication becomes a one way thing... sorta like a radio broadcast.. what you need is a very patient friend who seriously wants to hear you speak and is not just waiting for an opportunity to cut in and say something intelligent...

How do I put this simply? Ok... simply put.. communication is really an art.. You must learn how to say the things that can make someone feel better... Our lives are all so loaded with critisism and harsh remarks... therefore, when we speak to friends.. we actually simply long to have someone to make us feel better... And sometime.. just having someone listening to us and paying genuine attention can make us feel so much better about ourselves.. At least it shows that our friends respect and value us enough to give a damn about our lives....

Most people would think that communication is the process of sending across a message... This is absolutely right.. and 70% of communication is not in the form of speech.. but rather body language..

The thing is.. when I communicate with people, the message I am trying to send out is... I love you... I am saying this for your good because I care... I am listening to you because I want to know more about you... Seriously.. I really don't care if you agree with what I am saying.. and I don't want to enforce my opinion on you.. I just want to make you feel better...

Seriously.. I will not talk to someone unless I really really care.. If I think you are not worth it.. and you don't respect me enough for words to make any impact on you.. I just don't speak.. I mean.. I seriously do not want to waste my effort on just anybody.. All my friends are people I really admire, respect and love... If this is not the case... I won't even be making an effort in the first place... Therefore.. for such important people in my life.. I will not risk ruining my relationship just to push a point across... This is of course subjected to mood swings.. If I am feeling particularly irritated that day... I may choose the other option.. insist that I am right.. but most of that time.. that involves arguing and I am simply too lazy to argue with anyone.

The most important skills we must all learn is simply to follow instructions and to give people what they want. Yes.. It is two skills that distinguishes the likeable from the unlikeable.

When everyone wants to talk, who is left to listen? If everyone gives out an instruction, who's left to follow the instruction? In order to gain the respect of man, you must first show respect for authority. When an instruction is given out, be the first to execute it. It will show that you respect the person.

It is so easy when someone comes asking for a favour to just brush him off. Afterall, you've got your own problems to worry about. But the truth is, there is no better way to make a friend than to offer a service to you friend. When someone comes to you requesting a favour, jump at this opportunity to seal the friendship. It is literally a golden nugget. And if I were you, I will grab every golden nugget I see. I mean seriously, your friends won't need you forever. So when they do need your help, help them.. and when you need their help in the future.. they will not hesitate to help you.

It's as simple as that... Always put yourself in the shoes of the other person... everyone wants a good friend someone who is always willing to help.. someone who isn't shy to show you his weaknesses.. someone who is genuine and will stick by you through rough times.... So, in order to get such friends.. you must first become one of them.

Make friends

What is the key of being accepted? Well.. seriously.. I don't think I have the right to write about such things... but this is just a hypothesis k.. Try to refrain from breaking out in a hysterical laugh when you read about this.

The key of being accepted is simply being confident... You know... selling yourself is as good as selling any product... If you are selling a good product.. you don't have to push it so hard.. people will automatically want to buy it.. In fact, pushing hard will only make them wonder if there is a defect in the product..

Therefore.. when it comes to selling yourself.. You've got to operate on the same logic.. Well, you don't like me... it is your lost.. Well.. sounds like a very cocky way of getting into a circle of friends eh? But its nonetheless pretty effective... Of course I am not telling you to be rude or mean... You have to be nice... But if you notice that niceness is not getting anywhere.. stop it...

If you are completely ignored when you greet someone.. just stop greeting that person... give him some space.. when you attempt to make a new friend.. it might seem intrusive and overwhelming.. therefore.. you got to pace yourself.. do not get too close too fast.. do not be too nice too fast (or people will think you are up to no good)... and no matter what always keep a good opinion of that person... Don't ever start thinking that that person is a conceited bastard.. instead... know that he just needs space and time to warm up....

Remember that when it comes to relationships.. You cannot force anyone to choose you... All you can do is to be confident... and wait for the person to open up...

Super mushy entry - be warned

I am part of something new.. Yes.. I am a new part of something... Yes... I belong to something now... if there is any time that I should feel happy.. It is now.. Right now.. Yes.. right now.. I don't seem to have any major stress factor in my life? Why why why? What's the key of stability?

Well, its not very complicated. It's simply to be out of love.. The thing is.. as poison impairs the function and reasoning of man... so does love... It makes us totally unable to control ourselves... We are uncontrollably swayed by the emotionals and mood swings of the one we love... we become illogical.. The rest of the world don't seem to matter as long as the one we love is happy... we can destroy so many innocents just to please the one we love..

Haiz.. such is love.. it's so powerful.. yet.. so brutal.. Yes.. I have been sacrifised as a worthless innocent in the game of love. The only people who have claimed to love me don't seem to understand that love requires self sacrifise... They love me from a very safe position and when it is time for them to step out of their comfort zone to show me that they really care.. they just fail... they fail miserably.... Eventually.. I start to understand that the person they all love most is simply themselves...

I wonder if you remember this particular Robin Williams movie... It is about this man who died in a car accident.. His heartbroken wife killed herself and thus got herself into hell... This man travelled all the way down to hell to search for his wife only to find that his wife has gone bonkers and don't seem to recognise him.. As the story continues, he was only allowed a limited time in hell before he himself would be consumed in madness... but he loved her so much.. He LOVED her so much that he decided to stay in hell with her.. even if he loses his mind forever... It is when he made this decision when his wife finally starts recognising him and finally love was so great it won her a place in heaven where they both lived happily ever after...

Sounds like a lame story eh? But I remember the scene when the 'gatekeeper' warned Robin Williams that he has leave now.. or be doomed in hell forever... he said something to the effect that "heaven won't be a heaven without her." It is only when he was finally willing to sacrifise himself that his love really counted for anything. Before that.. it was all only liking a person from a position of comfort... you don't risk youself.. you never truly love...

Remember the korean drama "stairway to heaven"... It is about this female protagonist with cancer.. she was blind as well.. she had two lovers.. one she really loved and the other who really loved her (I call him Lee).. She only had 4 months left to live... but Lee loved her so much that he wanted to sacrifise his corneas to give her sight for the last 4 months of her life.. however, the doctor told him that only a dead man can donate his corneas.. driven mad by his love.. he crashed himself in a car taking care to cover his eyes (to protect the corneas). He was wearing a name tag for donation of corneas tagged around his wrist... He sacrifised his entire life just to give her sight for a miserable four months.. even when she was in love with another... Seriously.. I cried like crazy when I watched that episode.. It was so touching man.. This is love.

There is something about this mad love that makes the world go around... Love is not just about physical passion.. Seriously.. if it was so shallow... it would make all of us love saints... the thing is... another cheesy quote... liking someone is liking him for his strengths.. loving someone is falling in love even with his flaws... Yap.. And I still believe that up till today...

Mr Right is someone out there.. and everyday that passes just brings me one day closer to him... I don't need a man who will sacrifise his life.. but I need to know that he will at least put his ego aside and think in my shoes from time to time... Yap.. loving someone is simply making his happiness your personal responsibility... (another quote from somewhere.. not from me)

Endurance

I love taekwondo. I love sparring. But there is so much I do not know... So much room for improvement.... I have a really feeble mind... I can't stand pain. It's one thing to be able to kick well when faced with a weaker or equal opponent. But when faced with a stronger opponent, with damn heavy kicks what do you do? Normally people will lose confidence and start kicking in a compromised manner... THAT is precisely the mistake we all keep making.

When you spar.. especially with a stronger opponent.. you must be ready to feel the pain... not just any pain.. but the kind of pain that paralyses you momentarily... You need to mentally prepared.. when you attack.. be prepared for the pain.. and be fully committed to attack no matter heavy the kick is.. You got to endure the pain and just keep going...

S0 taekwondo... just as life.. is not about physical skills.. it is alot about the mind.. about learning how to endure great pain and still function at your optimum even if it is under great stress or pain... Do not be fooled into surrendering.. Do not lose confidence and come up with a sub standard kick.. Keep on going.. Keep on going at your optimum...

You know.. life is just like that too.. Somewhere along the way... we are bound to meet up with other strong opponents... and the truth is.. it's going to hurt... but you just got to be strong enough to withstand the blows and continue functioning normally.

It is not a very tolerant society we live in... I noticed... that when you are upset.. and you start behaving badly.. people are not compassionate enough to tolerate your bad behavior.. plus the fact that people like to block out 'complicated' people.. you are going to be totally black listed if you choose to sulk at a problem... (well, at least it's been like that for me).. Therefore.. it is when you are the most upset.. when life throws the biggest pieces of shit at you that you have to behave at your best... seriously.. it is at this vulnerable state that you cannot stand being side lined or ostrasized... you will go crazy... Therefore.. to prevent that.. you better learn how to funciton well even when you are upset... i mean especially when you are upset.. you cannot stand anymore trauma...

Well.. this theory is also fundamentally flawed as there is another secret moving force in this equation.. People tend to be put off by other people who seem confident and steady.. They think that such people have no problems and are therefore different from them... That is already sufficient reason to hate and start abusing and challenging these people... However, what if these people are pretending to be happy.. what if these people are experiencing a pit hole in their lifes? Wouldn't pretending to be ok backfire on them?

Well.. Life is just so complicated ain't it? The thing is.. between the two.. i still choose to pretend that I am happy. I mean.. everyone has a right to put up a false front right... and there is always the saying... fake it until you make it.... So.. I will definitely not go around bragging about my problems hoping for sympathy... instead i will keep it under cover and go on behaving normally and happily... at least this would help me secure another area of my life... while one area flies out of the window...

Sigh... this is another case of thinking too much.. well at least.. when I write it down... the thought is immortalised.. Perhaps.. I will wonder what made me the way I was.. and when I refer back to this blog entry.. I will understand...

Steven King & God

This is going to be a difficult blog to write... It's about two seemingly unrelated matters.. Steven King and the spreading of christianity... But of course.. who can tell the genius brain of mine how to work.... it links seemingly unrelated matters... while.. in awhile you will know... of course only if you read on...

I was on the plane back from my ridiculous short one week holiday to Australia.. Yes.. it was a quantas plane.. and if I recall correctly... the entertainment system is one of the best in the world. It allows you to choose from a selection of many many movies of which you are able to pause (in case you need to pee pee), fast forward or rewind... Yes.. given between the option of so many many many movies.. I found myself choosing 'The mist'... A Steven King movie. Apart from being narcissistic and self-obsessed... I find myself helplessly drawn towards the more morbid espects of life.. Yes.. Of course I am afraid of boogie men and monsters.. but the most interesting aspect of Steven King is his ability to confront the greatest evil of this world.. the one that resides in man... yes.. Steven King has this ability to write stories revolving around the greatest secret of all history.. that mankind is really a helpless pathetic species that when confronted with difficult times... EVERYONE children and adults alike freak out and start exibiting all kinds of selfish and suicidal tendencies..

As the story goes... A town is engulfed by this alien mist... A military experiment has opened a portal to another world releasing a strange alien mist carrying with it all kinds of scary creatures... So a large group of people are trapped in a super market.. One of them gets killed by a alien with tenticles... The others eventually start to freak out... Some of them hang themselves.. Some take loads of sleeping pills... The others afraid and emotional unstable decided to believe the lie of this 'christian' enthusiast who claims that she's a messenger from God. She inspires the crowd to attack a military officer and sacrifise him to the monster by shutting him outside the supermarket.. They watched him die and all thought that he deserved it. The few remaining sane people managed to escape.. So drove and drove in the mist.. There were 5 of them in the.. When they ran out of petrol... and no one else was in sight, the male protagonist took out of the gun and under the consent of all the rest in the car.. shot them all dead.. But there was only 4 bullets.. Just as he was trying to kill himself in another fashion.. help arrived.. military tanks started appearing.. But everyone that mattered to him was already dead... He killed them... The show ended with him screaming and sobbing to himself.

Bleak.. Very bleak... only 50% of all the deaths in the movie was caused by the aliens.. the other 50% were suicide or outright murder by the frighthened humans.. Sort of nails us doesn't it? Under the composed, responsible adult front of ours.. we are so uncontrollably frightened, daunted and repelled by things that we do not understand.. Envision this.. The germans.. after WWI... they were frigthened.... they were humiliated and they were without a proper leader... It was at this vulnerable state that Adolf Hitler found them and gave them a direction. He convinced them that euthanasia and the killing of Gypsies, Jews and other none Aryan people is the only way to purify the race and achieve their ultimate happiness. They were scared shitless and humiliated beyond reason (no more ego).. so of course.. they bought it.. they bought all of it. Yes.. this led to the holocaust.. Jews dissappearing like flies.. It wasn't disease or necessity that killed them.. it was other men.

So Steven King simply plays with our awareness of the human capacity to commit such atrocities to frigthen us shitless with the stories he write. Yes.. ghosts and boggie men can be frightening.. but what can be more frightening than man himself?

You know.. afterall.. human beings.. after centuries of being dissapointed by one another have trained himself to self- protect by simple learning how to think negatively.... So when you come up to a woman and say "All men sucks." You actually get an applause... and you sit down and start a customary bitching session on how men suck. Nothing new. But when you actually approach a person with good news.. you will be surprised with how the person reacts. He actually gets put of. Serious... This is because... after all the damage previous humans have done to the ego.. to the mind of this person... he/she have finally convinced himself that there is no hope.. and thinking otherwise only lead to dissapointment.. It is precisely this human tendency to block out hope that makes preaching God's word to them so difficult.. Days.. months.. years before you get to them.. they are already totally hopeless.

I ask you.. I ask myself... How many nights has it been that i have cried myself a sleep hoping that some one comes and rescue me. I pray and pray that God sends an angel down to rescue me.. and days pass... months fly by.. years just whooses by.. and I find myself completely utterly hopeless. So when the day finally comes... when a kind soul approaches me to introduce Jesus to me.. I find myself angry... I find myself saying. "What the hell! You are like 5 years late! Are you trying to convince me there is good in this stinking rotting hell of an earth? You give me hope just to dissapoint me? Go to hell, I don't want to hear about your Jesus. He's bullshit."

Seriously.. This is why I seriously don't blame anyone for slamming me at all. Afterall.. all of us are used to taking bad news. We watch Steven King movie and agree that yes... in a bad situation we all freak out... Yes.. We are all scumbags.. Yes... there is no hope for us... Then let me ask you... what about those germans who risk their lifes protecting Jews during the holocaust? What about the countless number of mothers who sacrifised their lifes for their babies? What about Jesus who died on the cross for all the sins we have committed? Aren't we giving them any credit at all? Yes.. we may be a stinking rotting race.. but the truth is.. one thing mediates all that shit in us.. and that thing is.. LOVE. =)

It is love that makes all things beautiful.. It is love that heals all wounds... And love is so much more powerful than hate. Serious.. and as pastor prince puts it.. love is not only an emotion its a person.. Jesus Christ. So... I am issuing a challenge to you now.. I want you to prepare yourself for good news.. Because I am going to tell you something that's going to heal you of all your diseases.. all your wounds. More than that.. it will forgive you of ALL your sins.. redemn you from ALL destruction and bless your mouth with good things that you youth might be renewed like the eagles.

Ok.. I am getting ahead of myself... I need to write about this.. Yes.. it may utterly ruin the bad girl image that i am trying to portray in writing but I will risk it anyway... The truth is.. I am not God.. I am only human.. so it's ok if I am bad.. its expected.. but with the power and love of God.. even someone as pathetic as me can make a good difference in this world...

"It was love that caused God to send Jesus his only son to die for us on the cross." This is when people start getting defensive and slamming with their religion or the classic free-thinkers logic. But today.. fortunately.. I need not tolerate all that.. Because HAHA I am writing a blog.. NO ONE CAN SHUT ME UP HERE. HAHAHAHA

Ok. I deviate... It was love that caused God to send Jesus to die on the cross for us... That is the basis of it ALL. The problem with us, christians, is that we underestimate the power of this sacrifise.. You see.. the old testiment claims that God is a perfect God that cannot tolerate sin. He demands a payment for every sin committed... and men can't control themselves from sinning.. So men were required to sacrifise bulls and goats to God on a yearly basis to appease God. However.. that wasn't a permanent solution.. the permanent solution there was only one. To sacrifise Jesus. When Jesus came... he fulfilled the law and all the commandments.. he was without sin.. However.. his purpose was not only to fulfil the law but to die in place of you and me so that he pays the complete price for all our sins. It was a finished job.. He came died and paid the price. What's left for us to do is simply that Jesus is our lord and savior and recieve our salvation..

This is where many christians get it wrong. So Jesus died for all your sins up to the point where you acknowledge him and confess all your sins. So you have a clean slate now.. Don't screw it up again.. This is so erroneous.. Serious.. There's no such thing. The truth is.. ALL of your sins.. now and forever.. all forgiven.. and the forgiveness is not on the basis of whether you confess your sins or not.. its whether you know that Jesus is your lord and savior. Imagine.. it is literally impossible to CONFESS ALL YOUR SINS.. you are bound to forget one or two. Does that mean you can't enter heaven if you forgot to confess stealing a rubber from the bookshop when you were 10? It's ridiculous.

Remember this.. God sees you as a child.. Whether you are 8 or 80 years old.. You are always a child in his eyes... And if he loves you enough to send his only son to die for you... what more will he withhold from you.... You are his beloved son/daughter.. Go ahead.. the world is yours.. Go out and do what pleases you.. no blessing is out of reach.... Stop restricting yourself and convincing yourself that... I am nothing but a lowly bastard.. I don't deserve this girl.. she is too good for me.. nonsense... stop sabotaging your own happiness! You are not a lowly bastard.. you are a prince of God.. Similarly.. go and eat and drink to your fill.. don't let Jesus's death be in vain. One more piece of good news is that what Jesus has done is a finished work. It is complete.. It is done. There is nothing more you can do to gain reconciliation with God. You are already reconciliated with God. When God sees you... he sees Jesus.. and he loves you as if you were sinless.

The thing most of us do not know is that.. we all long to have Jesus in our lifes. We want to be rescused.. we want to be loved... and we confuse this desire to be loved with the desire to get into a BGR. We imagine that our girlfriend/ boyfriend is able to provide for us the love we desire.. However... this love can only be found in Jesus... So read the bible... understand more about Jesus. Serious.. and for all of you out there who have never read the bible.. start with the new testament - Mark, Matthew, Luke and John... followed by the letters by apostle John... ephesians etc.

Alrighty.. running out of concentration... Will get back to talking about Jesus another day =) Till then. Take care my friends.

Sucide

Why are people so suicidal? Some acts of long term sucide are obvious... some people smoke themselves to death.. some people drink themselves to death (if I am not careful I might become a baileys addict)... some people drink and drive.. some people loiter around dangerous places for too long.. All these are obvious acts of sucide. With that said.. their are also less obvious ways to kill yourself in the long run... And today we are touching on the most commonly made suicidal mistake in all of mankind's history - the act of being nice and expecting appreciation.

Mind you... there is nothing wrong with being nice... And before you knock this blog message off as one of my lame emo messages. It really isn't.. I won't blog about something unless I truly believe in it or I truly have been hurt deeply in a related matter before... So this is definitely worth reading. Ok.. back to the topic... there's nothing wrong with being nice... but expecting good karma or appreciation.. that really kills... Because if the last 21 years of life taught me anything.. it is that people have an innate tendency to take good things for granted... They just keep on harping on bad things over and over again... all that time they ignore all the blessings around them until one day.... these things dissappear... and all that time you had to appreciate so and so.. or to show some love to so and so... you were busy moping about that bitch or bastard who seriously doesn't give a damn about you... You forgot to love and appreciate the one that really loved you...

So... if you are on the recieving end of such neglect.. you will understand where I am getting at... It is so much easier to give and to forget.. then to give and wait and wait and expect some kind of appreciate... because sadly.. you are not getting any. There are two ways out of it...

Way number one - stop being so nice... Cut yourself some slack... Just be nice to those you think are worth it. Be nice because you love them and want them to be happy. Expect absolutely nothing in return.. In fact.. expect to be back stabbed and hurt.... this way.. others will exceed your expectation and you wil be happy.

Way number two - Remind people.... Make it a habit to remind people of the nice things you have done to them. Especially when its approaching important days like your birthday... mother's day... valentines's day.. Make it a point to remind them.. This way.. people are reminded to show appreciation... I mean seriously... even I forget sometimes those important appreciation dates.. You can make it so much easier for them and me if you just dropped a message or jokingly remind me. Thanks.

Do not be a silent achiever.. or a silent sufferer.. You are literally committing suicide.. You will definitely die of a broken heart induced by the disease of 'lack of appreciation'. So.. as surely as the advises DO NOT SMOKE... DO NOT DRIVE AND DRIVE can save your life.. Try to remember this blog entry.... Of course.. if you are not even a nice person to begin with... this blog entry is not for you.. Being thoughtless and selfish makes you immune to this 'lack of appreciation'... because very surely.. you have nothing to be appreciated for. =) Lucky ass.

How much does it take to produce a good blog entry? Well.. alot apparently.. because all i have produced over the last 36 hours seem to be quite lousy.... Lousy.. but no doubt produced by the same person. Sort of adds some dimension to me doesn't it.. I am afterall a complex person.

What's the purpose of blogging.. It is an outlet to release my frustration? Is the innermost being hidden behind my flesh trying to communicate? Am I trying to seek attention? Is this a showcase of my writing ability? Or am trying to help people by dispensing some crap shit advice? I mean.. look at my life.. its pretty screwed up.. what right do I have to dispense advice... Well.. another way of looking at it.. the more mistakes one makes.. the wiser he becomes.. so take all hardship and silly mistakes with cheer.. its only a necessary evil to greater wisdom.. AHHHH.. I am starting to feel it again.. the desire the write something positive to cheer me and others up.

Shit happens to everybody... serious.. especially the nice people who can't bring themselves to lie, cheat, murder and do all that shitty things. You know.. sometimes when i get depressed I read the bible.. There was once I stumbled upon this phrase...

"Because you are not of this world, the world rejects you.. if you were of this world they would love you as their own.. As it is... they have rejected me (Jesus).. and no servant is greater than his master. If they rejected me... they will reject you too.'

I can't describe how enlightened I was when I read that phrase. It's like horray.. Jesus Christ predicted my shitty life.. and its not MY FAULT that my life has become so shitty.... its just the way things are. No one can tolerate a saint. Saints only make all the people around them look bad. People love other bad people because these people make them look good. Its all under comparison you see.

You see.. when shit happens we often blame ourselves. We search and search our lifes for areas that we have screwed up and hope that we can change ourselves in a way that will prevent the same shit from happening again. However.. what if the thing that has caused has caused this shit is simply.. you resisting the urge to do something bad? Does that mean you should be a bad person to prevent that shit from happening again? Yes... life is full of such complex questions..

Well, I don't know about you, but for me.. I really really don't want to degrade into a bad person just to survive. Serious. Afterall.. all the people around me come and go but only I have to live with MYSELF for the rest of my life... At least... I must be able to love myself... and in order to do that, I must know that I made the right decisions to do the right thing when I was given the opportunity to... Of course I might have screwed up from time to time.. but at least I tried my best... I need to know that I tried my best...

Whatever it is.. shit happens.. and when shit happens to someone we love.. someone close to us.. we sometimes ask ourselves if we have been partly responsible for that. If we could have done something to prevent it. But the truth is.. we are not God. We as humans have this innate need to protect our vulnerable lifes.. even if it is at the expense of someone else's life. So... I understand completely.. I don't blame anyone for any of the shit I have gone through... Yes.. I don't even blame myself anyone... I just take it as one of the mistakes I would have made if I was given another opportunity. Seriously.. I could have left NUSTKD just like that... But I wanted to establish a fact.. I wanted to know for sure that that guy is a selfish and cowardly jerk. That's why I came back. After I saw the worksheets with my SMSes... I established this fact... yes... I could now leave in peace....

Yes.. we all make mistakes.. and most of the time.. we hate ourselves for these mistakes... we hate ourselves for loving the wrong man... we hate ourselves for not being brave enough... we think and think and hate ourselves more and more... Ultimately.. it is forgiving everyone around you for all their silly mistakes that make us more able to forgive ourselves... and learn to once again respect the decisions we make... afterall.. it is written in the bible proverbs that

"A man's way are directed by God. How can he understand it?"

Everything that happened happened under the permission of God. And God has a good plan for all of us.. So just... stop thinking so much.. Be like a child... let God take control.. just remember to keep breathing.

Speech filtration

You know.. we all need to practise some form of speech filtration. We need say things that really matter.. to say things that can impact people positively... Yes.. most of you probably think you are already experts in this department.

"I dispense good advice to people all the time."

Well.. the truth is.. good advise may not be the best thing to say.. the truth may not be the best thing to say...

Remember the oracle from Matrix.. When Neo came to her the first time.. she almost immediately told him that he was not THE ONE. Yes.. That's a lie... sorta... but that's what he needed to hear most... Because this would inspire him to risk his life to save morpheus.. which is a necessary action to fulful his destiny as THE ONE...

So.. the point is.. sometimes.. we need to structure and massage the truth abit to say the things that really matter. It does not have to be a lie. But the truth can sometimes really destroy someone. Sadly... this will lead inevitably to the topic of choice. Surely everyone has a choice to know the truth and make a logical decision whether to act as responsible adults or to blow their top.

Yes.. but one must question.. if A tells B that his wife is cheating on him... and B goes ahead to murder the adulterer... is A partly responsible for the death of the adulterer? Could A have acted better by choosing a better circumstance to disclose the truth. Or perhaps.. acted as a good friend by trying to mediate and solve the problem with B's wife and the adulterer behind B's back. At least no on will be killed and B can continue to love his wife as before.

Well.. the adult world is immensely complicated. But words.. are powerful... so before you say anything.. think of the consequences... Remember that you convince yourself that you are not responsible but when it all boils down to the basics... can you live with yourself... afterall.. it is WITH YOURSELF that you have to spend the rest of your life with.

Privacy

I love Baileys... the 17% alcohol content Irish Creme.. So sweet.. so alcoholic... It slows down the thoughts raging in my genius brain. I believe actually kills brain cells too... Well.. that might not be such a bad idea since the thing causing me pain now is actually only pointless thinking.

I value privacy alot. I remember about 4 years ago I had two blogs - A private blog and a not so private blog. Of course.. the private blog was where I poured out all my emo tendencies in an unabashed manner. It was only for the viewership of a few. Unfortunately, my genius brain malfunctioned and my sister got to know about that URL for that private blog. And before you know itlll all my distance relatives were reading that blog and contacting my parents to see if I was mentally sound. Sounds bad... when I confronted her.. she non-chalently read out the contents of my blog (which she memorised) to my parents. So you see... I thought I learned my lesson. NEVER EVER disclose anything in writing that you don't want the entire world to know.

Sadly.. these were the events that followed. My friend called me and conveniently placed me on speaker phone without my knowledge... said a whole load of embarassing things like... "It's ok.. I will come over seduce him then you can get all her attention." Shit like that that was meant as a joke. All broad casted to a bunch of people I hardly knew. Needless to say.. I am no longer talking to that guy.

Of course this was followed by the traumatic event where my declaration of love.. in the form of an sms was disclosed to the world in the most inhumane way. It was type written by the one i sent the message to AKA the one I used to l0ve ... and photocopied and highlighted and given out like a worksheet to a group of about 20 people.

So as it appears... I didn't learn my lesson and I am making the same mistakes over and over again. Well.. Yes i am.. and creating this blog is one of them. Heck it... To preserve the privacy I so value.. I did so much.. but no one around seems to respect it at all... They seem to take my private issues.. in fact.. my entire existance as a joke.. So I make a finally brave decision. I should learn to live with myself. No more secrets.... It appears that God has the talent of taking away everything I love and value... So the key to preservation is simply to show disregard to all that I value... including privacy.. mind blowing eh? That means that.. if there is a secret I wish to protect... Say it.... Do it before someone else beats you to it... At least.. I can live life hating one person less.

Please forgive me... This blog was written under the influence of Baileys.

Is there a way to erase your memory? I want it done. I remember in 'winter sonata' that korean soap opera.. they managed to remove the memory of the male protagonist. I want it done too.

Yes.. I may be capable and strong (in a way).. but I can't seem to find a way out of this. I can't seem to forget the painful memories. Maybe I am being too hard on myself. Afterall, its only been 3 months.

Something happened that day. Though I am still alive, something in me died that day.... What is it? Sorry... what was it? Its innocence. I lost it. I no longer believe in mankind.. in fact.. I forgotten completely how to trust people. A friend and a criminal no longer looks any different to me. They are the same... All equally capable or breaking my heart and neither would hesistate.

I used to operate on the innocent until proven guilty basis. Now I operate on guilty until proven innocent. I grew up. But it all happened to fast. Forced to grow up overnight.

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Sorry Jols... I am feeling pretty negative.. pardon me.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.I hate you so much. Please please get out of my head... Please God.. make this all a bad dream...

I hate you... I hate you .... I hate you... I hate you.... I just hate you so much... As much as I used to love you.. I hate you. How could you sacrifise me? How could you betray me time and time again? How can you still live with yourself after doing all that? Shouldn't you at least come and apologise? Or maybe..

Maybe you are not even sorry. Maybe I am really wrong.. Maybe you have no conscience at all. Maybe you still hate me for whatever crappy reason you've come up with. I wonder if there is one SMS, one MSN, one email that I have written to you that you have not shown the world. I hate you I hate you I hate you.

Please leave my memory now. I want you out.. GO AWAY!!!! I don't want anything to do with you anymore. DIE DIE DIE... I don't care... Just dissapear.

Bitching

I used to believe that all bitching is bad. (Bitching is talking bad about someone behind someone's back.) I used to find it completely unnecessary and being the saint that I think i am.. it is beneath me. However, I never gave bitching its due credit. While bitching may seem childish and untrue, it definitely has its plus points. For one, it helps you unload tension. It prevents you from blowing up at that person and ruining your friendship. It allows you to share your frustrations with someone else and get a second opinion. Therefore the tip of the day is to learn how to deal with bitches. (I am a bitch. i don't deny it)

You definitely should not give the bitch a dressing down and tell her that she should be ashamed of herself. Instead, when someone bitches to you, there is a 99.999% chance that she is feeling victimised and need some emotional support. So whether or not you agree with her, the first thing to do is to support her. Agree with her.. say things like "Oh my God, how can she do that? It is definitely wrong. I am so sorry for you". All right, after you have reassured her, you can go on to offering the right advise, but be careful to always stay on her side. NEVER say things like " Why are you so childish and mean and unappreciative? I thought that girl was your good friend." It will make your friend feel even worse and make you look bad (after all.. we all bitch about everyone we know from time to time).

Finally, establish the fact that only that bitching party can come to the conclusion of "Maybe she's not so bad afterall.. maybe I am just imagining things because I am feeling insecure." NEVER EVER EVER come to that conclusion for her. It will make her look so bad, and she will feel so humiliated. However, if she comes to this conclusion on her own, she will feel loads better. She will feel like a mature responsible adult whom she is.

So.. next time you deal with a friend who wishes to bitch to you, don't be put of and think that your friend is an unholy bastard. Your friend probably feels very victimised and very sad.. she seriously needs support and someone to unload her tension on... Someone who is genuinely concerned and wishes sincerely to make her feel better. Bitching is a necessary component to in EVERY relationship. Serious. If you not bitch about a person, you are either Jesus or delusional or living in Lala land. So, if you are human... you will need to bitch. Because there is this innate desire to perfect things. And in this imperfect world, we keep seeing and picking things that need correction and changes. But we cannot go around correcting other people without ruining relationships. Therefore, most people only wait till when it is completely necessary before voicing their real thoughts in a tactful way. 90% of the time we just bitch to unload the tension.. only 10% of the time, we confront the problem.

You might think that after 3 years of relationship/friendship that the relationship is steady enough for you to offer constant correction to your partner. However, this will greatly hurt the ego of your partner and thus end up spoiling the relationship. Therefore, it wise to just practise the few basic steps when coming to bitching.

Step 1: Agree with the person. Reassure her that you are on her side.
Step 2: Very tactfully offer your opinion.
Step 3: Allow her to come to her own righteous conclusion. REFRAIN from becoming a saint and providing her with the conclusion.