People sometimes get quite obsessive compulsive... As the monotony of life overtakes us and we begin to want to aim for perfection in all that we do, we start becoming particular over all the small knitty gritty details of our lives... Like.. whether we have one small pimple on our face.. whether our make up is perfect.. whether our padding is clean.. whether our gi is ironed.. whether our thighs are big.. whether our blisters are burst.. whether so and so likes us.. whether so and so is thinking of us... whether our handphone model is still the latest.. whether our screen protector is still functioning... whether our bills are paid.. whether our pillow case is changed.. whether our floor is mopped...
ALL these great merticulous details fade into oblivion in face of crisis... It might be a serious car accident leading to paralysis.. it might be the lost of a loved one.. Or a possible miscarriage... Whatever it is... Crisis serves to remind us of how vulnerable life really is.. and that staying alive and safe and sound is already a miracle...
Life's not easy.. But it is so mch more difficult when you waste you energy obsessing about things that do not really matter... Such things include small insults, insensitive comments, other people's bad behavior, being fired by a lousy boss, losing a match in a tournament, failing an exam, losing the favour of your teacher.. All these things might seem so big and so serious at the moment but when you juxtapost it against the real serious crisises in life, they are just so small and insignificant.. Suddenly you begin to understand how petty you actually are...
So perhaps when it comes to thought control.. A good technique would be to always compare your circumstance to a much worse one... For example, if you happen to be down with a flu and is unable to leave the house for a couple of days.. compare this scenario with a cancer patient being stuck in bed for weeks and months.. then your flu will seem so tiny..
However, when in face with a real crisis... It is essential to train yourself to think positively.. As long as you are still alive.. there is hope... You might not be able to live in the same way as before.. but God can still use you to do other things.... have faith.. and do not underestimate the power of God to make good come out of EVERY SINGLE evil situation...
And for all of us.. friends and family of those who are in a real crisis.. please be supportive.. there is a time for everything... there is a time to be indifferent but this is not the time... You need to be sensitive and kind.. do not underestimate the trauma of that person.. do not say insensitive remarks.. most importantly.. just be there.. at least try to help.. don't just sit around under the pretext that you are afraid that you might become more of an irritant than a help.. Even an irritating help can brighten up the situation.. Just do what your heart tells you to...
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Common sensical proverbs
This is the blog entry... that went through many drafts and lots of research... Seriously, I often browse through some of the biblical proverbs with a condescending eye thinking that they are just common sense.. But as life grows on me and I begin to notice the sheer lack of common sense and morality in society.. I started to understand why God used up so much space in the bible teaching us common sense... Below are some proverbs that I find oozing with wisdom.. mingled amongst them are of course some others which I think are just basic common sense.. But since God put it there... There must be purpose for it being there. Enjoy...
____________________________________________-
Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you;
Rebuke a wise man and he will love you. (Proverbs 9:8)
When words are many, sin is not absent,
but he who holds his tongue is wise. (Proverbs 10:19)
When pride comes, then comes disgrace,
but with humility comes wisdom. (Proverbs 11:2)
A fool shows his annoyance at once,
but a prudent man overlooks an insult. (Proverbs 12:16)
A righteous man is cautious in friendship,
but the way of the wicked leads them astray. (Proverbs 12:26)
He who walks with the wise grows wise,
but a companion of gools suffers harm. (Proverbs 13:20)
_____________________________________________
Discipline your son, for in that there is hope;
do not be a willing party to his death. (Proverbs 19:18)
He who spares the rod hates his son,
but he who loves him is CAREFUL to discipline him. (Proverbs 13: 24)
Spend quite some time meditating on this verse.. Found that it could be quite controversial.. Especially coming from me.. A person who does not really advocate punishment.. But then the thought came into my mind.. There are so many different kinds of people in this world.. Perhaps the punishment education method may not work on people like me.. but it will certainly be perfect for some other bunch of people out there.. Different people need different medicine.. So I feel that as a parent or teacher.. it is vital to CAREFULLY select your kind of discipline (medicine) to treat your child... The key word here is careful... Do not do it hastily and with wrath and hatred.. Instead.. discipline your child out of love... If you are the God selected parent or teacher.. you will be perfectly equip with the medicine you need to administer to your child.. just be careful to administer the right dose.. don't over do it or your child might develop a phobia.. Remember... in all things.. God is in control.. your only job is to love and provide for your child.. The LORD himself will look after your child and teach him through experience.
_____________________________________________
All a man's ways seem innocent to him,
but motives are weighed by the LORD. (16: 2)
Commit to the LORD whatever you do,
and your plans will succeed. (16:3)
Pride goes before destruction,
a haughty spirit before a fall. (16:18)
A wise man's heart guides his mouth,
and his lips promote instruction. (16:23)
Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent,
and discerning if he holds his tongue. (17:28)
An unfriendly man pursues selfish ends;
he defies all sound judgement. (18:1)
_______________________________________________
A fool finds no pleasure in understanding
but delights in airing his own opinions (18:2)
This is one quote I find particularly frightening. I feel that in many ways, I am still immature and foolish... In this particular context.. I am indeed a great big fool for I utterly delight in airing my own opinions.. I pray that the LORD bless me with a heart and ears that seek to listen and to understand more than to simply voice my own opinion and imagine that I am possibly sharing wisdom with other people..
_______________________________________________
He who robs his father and drives out his mother
is a son who brings shame and disgrace. (19:26)
This is a clear example of what I thought of as a common sensical quote.. But then.. why is it there? Because there is a need for it to be there... Why? Seriously, the quote does not say... he who robs his good father and drives out his excellent mother is a son who brings shame and disgrace.. It sames he who robs HIS FATHER and drives out HIS MOTHER..
The problem with modern society is that we so often jump into conclusions and judge everyone around us including our parents.. We expect our parents.. being our senior and the ones who brought us to this world.. to be wise and perfect.. and when they fail.. so many of the time... we just treat them terribly.. Some people ill treat their parents because when they were a kid.. there parents weren't there for them.. Some people hate their mother for beating them up as a child and thus drive them out of the house into some old-folks home when they become old and less mobile... All these people don't seem to understand that their parents are part of them.. not just some hair or finger nail.. but literally a limb or the head of the body... by being insensitive and mean to the extent of cutting off your limbs.. you are actually hurting yourself.. and bringing disgrace and shame to yourself and your family..
So think about it.. afterall.. your parents are still human.. you've got to be forgiving to them.. this way.. when you make mistakes in parenting your own children.. you will find it easier to forgive yourself...
___________________________________________________
A man's wisdom gives him patience;
it is his glory to overlook an offense. (19:11)
This quote and certain variations of it is repeated over and over again within this short chapter... I think God is definitely trying to tell us how dangerous it is to be nit picky and merticulously seeking out the offenses of people and punishing them for it...
As it stands, no one is perfect.. we all tend to step on each other's toes now and then.. Especially when we meet each other on a very frequent basis.. The best way to stop strive is simply not to meet up.. but if you don't meet up.. you can't grow in your relationship with one other.. Therefore, you must train yourself to overlook an offense.. Many of the times, people are not mean and bad to us in a personal way.. they just happen to be insensitive.. I know it.. because I myself am the QUEEN OF INSENSITIVITY...
Therefore, it is wise, in order to remain sane and happy to simply overlook offenses.. Sometimes when kids run around the mess things up.. when your beloved dog pees on your bed.. they are simply just being themselves... kids and dogs are like that... if you punish them for being themselves... you are making a big big mistake.. not only will they not feel loved... they will mature too early and miss out on their childhood.. Like a fruit that ripens too early.. there will be many negative repurcussions in the future... So it is wise, to from time to time... practise the art of closing one eye.. and if necessary.. closing both your eyes..
__________________________________________________
Ears that hear and eyes that see -
The LORD has made them both. (20:12)
Seriously, this really does sound like a kindergarden quote doesn't it? Another common sensical quote... The truth is... It is not.. The way I see it.. Ears that hear and eyes that see... are really a rare gem... More than often.. we humans are so tainted by our own humanly perceptives.. if we are determined to like a perosn.. We will ignore the person's flaws and focus only on his strenghts... however.. if a person we favour less displays the EXACT SAME flaws as the one we love.. we are too quick to flare up at them and make a big deal out of the flaws.. In our eyes.. the people we love are perfect..
When will we remove this judgement error and start giving people the due credit for their behavior? When wil be be able to hear and see the truth and deciepher it accurately with no prejudice.. I guess it is the LORD and his wisdom that helps us see and hear the truth..
____________________________________________
____________________________________________-
Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you;
Rebuke a wise man and he will love you. (Proverbs 9:8)
When words are many, sin is not absent,
but he who holds his tongue is wise. (Proverbs 10:19)
When pride comes, then comes disgrace,
but with humility comes wisdom. (Proverbs 11:2)
A fool shows his annoyance at once,
but a prudent man overlooks an insult. (Proverbs 12:16)
A righteous man is cautious in friendship,
but the way of the wicked leads them astray. (Proverbs 12:26)
He who walks with the wise grows wise,
but a companion of gools suffers harm. (Proverbs 13:20)
_____________________________________________
Discipline your son, for in that there is hope;
do not be a willing party to his death. (Proverbs 19:18)
He who spares the rod hates his son,
but he who loves him is CAREFUL to discipline him. (Proverbs 13: 24)
Spend quite some time meditating on this verse.. Found that it could be quite controversial.. Especially coming from me.. A person who does not really advocate punishment.. But then the thought came into my mind.. There are so many different kinds of people in this world.. Perhaps the punishment education method may not work on people like me.. but it will certainly be perfect for some other bunch of people out there.. Different people need different medicine.. So I feel that as a parent or teacher.. it is vital to CAREFULLY select your kind of discipline (medicine) to treat your child... The key word here is careful... Do not do it hastily and with wrath and hatred.. Instead.. discipline your child out of love... If you are the God selected parent or teacher.. you will be perfectly equip with the medicine you need to administer to your child.. just be careful to administer the right dose.. don't over do it or your child might develop a phobia.. Remember... in all things.. God is in control.. your only job is to love and provide for your child.. The LORD himself will look after your child and teach him through experience.
_____________________________________________
All a man's ways seem innocent to him,
but motives are weighed by the LORD. (16: 2)
Commit to the LORD whatever you do,
and your plans will succeed. (16:3)
Pride goes before destruction,
a haughty spirit before a fall. (16:18)
A wise man's heart guides his mouth,
and his lips promote instruction. (16:23)
Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent,
and discerning if he holds his tongue. (17:28)
An unfriendly man pursues selfish ends;
he defies all sound judgement. (18:1)
_______________________________________________
A fool finds no pleasure in understanding
but delights in airing his own opinions (18:2)
This is one quote I find particularly frightening. I feel that in many ways, I am still immature and foolish... In this particular context.. I am indeed a great big fool for I utterly delight in airing my own opinions.. I pray that the LORD bless me with a heart and ears that seek to listen and to understand more than to simply voice my own opinion and imagine that I am possibly sharing wisdom with other people..
_______________________________________________
He who robs his father and drives out his mother
is a son who brings shame and disgrace. (19:26)
This is a clear example of what I thought of as a common sensical quote.. But then.. why is it there? Because there is a need for it to be there... Why? Seriously, the quote does not say... he who robs his good father and drives out his excellent mother is a son who brings shame and disgrace.. It sames he who robs HIS FATHER and drives out HIS MOTHER..
The problem with modern society is that we so often jump into conclusions and judge everyone around us including our parents.. We expect our parents.. being our senior and the ones who brought us to this world.. to be wise and perfect.. and when they fail.. so many of the time... we just treat them terribly.. Some people ill treat their parents because when they were a kid.. there parents weren't there for them.. Some people hate their mother for beating them up as a child and thus drive them out of the house into some old-folks home when they become old and less mobile... All these people don't seem to understand that their parents are part of them.. not just some hair or finger nail.. but literally a limb or the head of the body... by being insensitive and mean to the extent of cutting off your limbs.. you are actually hurting yourself.. and bringing disgrace and shame to yourself and your family..
So think about it.. afterall.. your parents are still human.. you've got to be forgiving to them.. this way.. when you make mistakes in parenting your own children.. you will find it easier to forgive yourself...
___________________________________________________
A man's wisdom gives him patience;
it is his glory to overlook an offense. (19:11)
This quote and certain variations of it is repeated over and over again within this short chapter... I think God is definitely trying to tell us how dangerous it is to be nit picky and merticulously seeking out the offenses of people and punishing them for it...
As it stands, no one is perfect.. we all tend to step on each other's toes now and then.. Especially when we meet each other on a very frequent basis.. The best way to stop strive is simply not to meet up.. but if you don't meet up.. you can't grow in your relationship with one other.. Therefore, you must train yourself to overlook an offense.. Many of the times, people are not mean and bad to us in a personal way.. they just happen to be insensitive.. I know it.. because I myself am the QUEEN OF INSENSITIVITY...
Therefore, it is wise, in order to remain sane and happy to simply overlook offenses.. Sometimes when kids run around the mess things up.. when your beloved dog pees on your bed.. they are simply just being themselves... kids and dogs are like that... if you punish them for being themselves... you are making a big big mistake.. not only will they not feel loved... they will mature too early and miss out on their childhood.. Like a fruit that ripens too early.. there will be many negative repurcussions in the future... So it is wise, to from time to time... practise the art of closing one eye.. and if necessary.. closing both your eyes..
__________________________________________________
Ears that hear and eyes that see -
The LORD has made them both. (20:12)
Seriously, this really does sound like a kindergarden quote doesn't it? Another common sensical quote... The truth is... It is not.. The way I see it.. Ears that hear and eyes that see... are really a rare gem... More than often.. we humans are so tainted by our own humanly perceptives.. if we are determined to like a perosn.. We will ignore the person's flaws and focus only on his strenghts... however.. if a person we favour less displays the EXACT SAME flaws as the one we love.. we are too quick to flare up at them and make a big deal out of the flaws.. In our eyes.. the people we love are perfect..
When will we remove this judgement error and start giving people the due credit for their behavior? When wil be be able to hear and see the truth and deciepher it accurately with no prejudice.. I guess it is the LORD and his wisdom that helps us see and hear the truth..
____________________________________________
Sparring and relationships
Noticed that I have been a little out-of-sorts lately... I have been doing some really not-so-good things... that I am not very pleased with... Perhaps, I am a perfectionist.. Maybe I do expect too much from myself.. Afterall, I am only human... ALL humans make mistakes... So I guess, I will let myself off the hook and take it as a lesson learnt...
___________________________________________________
Spent quite some time researching for this particular blog entry.. For me, there are many things I wish to say.. Many messages I want to convey.. But I need to wait for the right moment.. when the inspiration comes.. and I feel that I have sufficient experience and wisdom to express the thoughts that are already lingering in my head..
I feel that in terms of human relationships... there can be no better parallel than taekwondo sparring.. In taekwondo sparring, especially when you meet very strong opponents, you need to wait for the precise moment where its most advantageous for you before you attempt to kick and SCORE the opponent.. It doesn't matter how many kicks you throw.. If it misses.. you are just going to tire yourself out.. and after awhile.. the opponent will start doubting your skills..
Therefore, just as in sparring, it is wise to wait for an opportune moment before making your attempts to forge a relationship with a new person.. Do not seem over earnest.. you will just frighten the person away.. it's as good as kicking air... kicking alot and scoring no points... Instead.. remain silent.. and when you have something excellent to say.. say it.. you may not be very wise.. but if you master the art of keeping silent and talking only when you have something wise to say.. you will seem much wiser than you actually are...
___________________________________________________
Spent quite some time researching for this particular blog entry.. For me, there are many things I wish to say.. Many messages I want to convey.. But I need to wait for the right moment.. when the inspiration comes.. and I feel that I have sufficient experience and wisdom to express the thoughts that are already lingering in my head..
I feel that in terms of human relationships... there can be no better parallel than taekwondo sparring.. In taekwondo sparring, especially when you meet very strong opponents, you need to wait for the precise moment where its most advantageous for you before you attempt to kick and SCORE the opponent.. It doesn't matter how many kicks you throw.. If it misses.. you are just going to tire yourself out.. and after awhile.. the opponent will start doubting your skills..
Therefore, just as in sparring, it is wise to wait for an opportune moment before making your attempts to forge a relationship with a new person.. Do not seem over earnest.. you will just frighten the person away.. it's as good as kicking air... kicking alot and scoring no points... Instead.. remain silent.. and when you have something excellent to say.. say it.. you may not be very wise.. but if you master the art of keeping silent and talking only when you have something wise to say.. you will seem much wiser than you actually are...
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Lament on Life
Sometimes I wish that I could live in a world by myself.. with no one who really knows or cares about me.. I wish I had a whole load of inconsequential acquaintances.... who will forget me immediatley after meeting me.. and I in turn can forget them instantly... I wish I had no friends.. no family.. no one to talk to or to listen to...
The only thing I have now that I really wish for is my Loki.... The only thing that doesn't demand my attention and tender loving care but the thing that inspires me to give to it so willingly.. that's my Loki.. If I could live all by myself with Loki.. with no one else who really knows or needs me.. how relaxing and comfortable would that be..
Perhaps I will spend the next two decades working hard and saving up.. then buy one of those houses on top of the blue mountains and stay there with my dog tending the maple tree and my garden... all by myself... day and night.. I can sit by the fire place reading books... I might even start a small taekwondo club teaching the kids how to keep fit.. and at the end of the day... I can go home to my little Loki.. who will always be there.. never to betray or hurt me...
All by myself.. things will be so simple.. I will have to care for only myself... I no longer have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.. i don't have to worry anymore about how you feel about me... and I don't have to try to make you laugh and feel loved anymore.. I can concentrate on loving and pampering myself.. making sure that I feel loved... that I am fed and that I have enough exercise...
If i could choose... this is all I want.. to be by myself.. with my Loki... Unfortunately... God has another purpose for me.. and to fulfil that purpose.. I have to plant myself amongst people.. but that's not what i want.. I am tired of being hurt.. dissapointed and let down again and again.. I just hope that I can lose everything that matters... that I can lose all my friends and family.. and just be totally relieved from the burden of being part of mainstream society..
I don't fit in... No matter how much I try.. I don't think like the things you do.. I don't want the things you do.. The things that make you happy, don't make me happy.. I am happy at different things.. I love different things... And because i am so different... no one can truly understand me enough to love me or give me what I want...
I am sick and tired of pretending that I am one of you.. I am not... I am sick and tired pretending that I am amused by the things that amuse you... I just want to be alone.. I hate human relationships.. I hate being close to people..
I can't trust anyone at all... no one earth at least... I trust God and Jesus... the rest... I just can't trust them anymore.. it's like i have lost this God given ability to trust.. It's no longer my choice.. I just simply can't trust anymore...
The only thing I have now that I really wish for is my Loki.... The only thing that doesn't demand my attention and tender loving care but the thing that inspires me to give to it so willingly.. that's my Loki.. If I could live all by myself with Loki.. with no one else who really knows or needs me.. how relaxing and comfortable would that be..
Perhaps I will spend the next two decades working hard and saving up.. then buy one of those houses on top of the blue mountains and stay there with my dog tending the maple tree and my garden... all by myself... day and night.. I can sit by the fire place reading books... I might even start a small taekwondo club teaching the kids how to keep fit.. and at the end of the day... I can go home to my little Loki.. who will always be there.. never to betray or hurt me...
All by myself.. things will be so simple.. I will have to care for only myself... I no longer have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.. i don't have to worry anymore about how you feel about me... and I don't have to try to make you laugh and feel loved anymore.. I can concentrate on loving and pampering myself.. making sure that I feel loved... that I am fed and that I have enough exercise...
If i could choose... this is all I want.. to be by myself.. with my Loki... Unfortunately... God has another purpose for me.. and to fulfil that purpose.. I have to plant myself amongst people.. but that's not what i want.. I am tired of being hurt.. dissapointed and let down again and again.. I just hope that I can lose everything that matters... that I can lose all my friends and family.. and just be totally relieved from the burden of being part of mainstream society..
I don't fit in... No matter how much I try.. I don't think like the things you do.. I don't want the things you do.. The things that make you happy, don't make me happy.. I am happy at different things.. I love different things... And because i am so different... no one can truly understand me enough to love me or give me what I want...
I am sick and tired of pretending that I am one of you.. I am not... I am sick and tired pretending that I am amused by the things that amuse you... I just want to be alone.. I hate human relationships.. I hate being close to people..
I can't trust anyone at all... no one earth at least... I trust God and Jesus... the rest... I just can't trust them anymore.. it's like i have lost this God given ability to trust.. It's no longer my choice.. I just simply can't trust anymore...
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Greatest - built on the foundation of hardship
My idea of what God is like:
- Love
- Patient
- Joyful
- Wise
- Strong
- Generous
- Ever-Forgiving
- Compassionate
- Kind
- Merticulous (cares about every small detail)
- Beautiful
- Brave
God is great.. Yes.. Jesus has all the qualities above.. and in Jesus's death and resurrection.. we are made in the same image as him... "As Jesus is, so are we in this world." Therefore, with the power of God, you will be able to have all the above characteristics as well.. just believe in God.. have a good opinion of God.
Remember Moses? It was only after he realised his real bloodline... after he accidentally killed a man and escaped from Egypt alone, wandered in the desert.. and became a lowly sherperd.. that God was able to use him to deliver all the Israelites out of Egypt.
Remember Joseph? It was only after all his brothers betrayed him.. threw him into a well.. sold him as a slave to Egypt... where he was framed by his boss's wife and thrown into prison.. when he finally found the purpose for his gift of interpreting dreams.. which he successfully used to save the Pharoah and the land from famine... this ultimately allowed him to save even his family from the famine...
All great kings seem to be built on a solid foundation of hardship.. It appears that nothing trains you better than experience...
Even the son of God.. Jesus, had to experience so many temptations and hardship before he achieved the greatest salvation of all of history... So if even the son of God cannot be spared from the baptism of fire.. then what more we humans.. flesh and blood..
Therefore.. to become great.. We must first humbly accept the road that God has given us. Even if it is not an easy path. We must walk this path with a confident expectation of good, that in the end... God can finally achieve great things through us. And more than often these things will benefit more than just ourselves.. but also those we love... So don't give up... please persevere and endure the hardship that you are experiencing at the moment... Do it with the power of God.. and always know that no matter how badly people treat you.. or how many times you are humilitated... you are not defined by what they say you are.. God who makes you, defines you.. and God always has a good opinion of you...
I am nothing... God is everything
The two loves of my life - Ballet and Taekwondo (in accordance to alphabetical order). My love for ballet is dying... To the extent that I feel that I may drop out at any moment... This blog entry is for me.. to encourage myself...
You alone are responsible for your own training... You should not be performing well only when your teacher is looking but at all times.. You must be passionate enough to squeeze out every last bit of effort to perfect the move you are doing... Above all... You must believe you can do... aim higher... don't let negative thoughts saying that you will never be as good as the rest get to you.. destroy this thoughts.. know this... (what I have been telling myself.. uneffective)
WITH GOD, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE
Yes.. So it's no longer a matter of whether denise is good enough.. or whether denise is flexible or strong enough... for all those areas that you lack.. God will provide.. God has a special joy when he brings victory out of the weakness of those he loves... it is to show us that even the weakest can be the greatest when God is involved... so at all times.. remember this...
IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU... IT'S ABOUT GOD.
________________________________________________________
I have always thought that I was born positive.. That this is one of the traits of denise that defines her.. and gives her strength.. it is only yesterday (after a string of two weeks of poor ballet performances + negative thinking) that I realised that even my positive energy is from God.. My joyfulness.. positivity is all from God.. and if I should choose to depend on myself to save myself.. I will be headed for disaster...
Above all, I realised that I am really nothing.. In all my training.. I have gotten it into myself that I am good.. and I deserve respect yada yada... and if I am not getting it.. it's just because people don't understand me... But there are many versions of the truth.. The more possible truth would be that I am just simply not good enough.. and by thinking that I am excellent and deserve great respect.. I would inadvertently turn myself into a liability instead of an asset... Sadly, the world CANNOT tolerate a liability.. They seek to eradicate every single one they can find..
______________________________________________________
A major mistake I have made time and time again is to have too great expectations on the capabilities of man and too little expectations on the capabilities of God... I expected man to rise to the occasion and behave in an honourable and respectful manner.. but time and time again.. I have been dissapointed by other man.. and ultimately even by myself.. This is when I realise that man is really nothing... and nothing truly great can ever come from a man who is separate from God.
I may seem very 'extremist' saying this but... I am nothing without GOD.. and all that I have achieved and contributed over the last 21 years of my life.. was only possible because of God... may all the glory be to God.. and if man should fail to recognise this effort and achievements.. they will not be stepping on my toes... they would simply be not giving GOD his due respect.. It is an issue GOD will settle for himself.. I, a princess of God.. has no place in affairs as such..
As for me.. I am a CHILD of GOd.. a mere sheep.. I cannot expect anything good to come out of me.. however much I struggle.. even if i try my best to squeeze out every bit of energy within me.. I just can't do it... what I need to do is to fix my eyes on Jesus and on God and ask for the wisdom, knowledge and strength to do God's work...
It's ok if you can't do it... because in all things.. GOD can...
____________________________________________________
For the last two weeks.. I have struggled so hard to squeeze out some positive energy... I just couldn't do it.. All of me... and all the aspects that are likable in me .. is not of myself.. it is not of my nature.. my nature is that of sinful flesh.. all that is good in me comes from the Lord.. and only he deserves the glory.. at this moment.. I truly understand why it was so wrong of me to expect an award for my contributions to my old TKD club... Afterall.. all the glory belonged to GOD.. and it is not man who ultimately gives out power and recognition.. it is God.. who being in control of all things.. will gently lead man to making such decisions...
God found it fit that I didn't get the award.. God found it fit that was humiliated.. chased away and placed in another club... I must say that it really was a blessing in disguise.. The new club I train with is excellent.. and I have never felt so loved and blessed for so long... I am comfortable only amongst young children...
Maybe.. its just a speculation... but maybe.. it is only when you are totally beaten and totally humbled.. when you finally realise how meaninglessly small your humanly powers are that God can finally use you.. He needs an empty vessel to channel his power and wisdom to do his good works.. and therefore.. for all his great leaders.. he must first train them through hardship and let them release the illusion of power (from kungfu panda)... and just simply let go and let God...
I look forward to the good works God can do through me.. It is no longer denise working... it is God...
You alone are responsible for your own training... You should not be performing well only when your teacher is looking but at all times.. You must be passionate enough to squeeze out every last bit of effort to perfect the move you are doing... Above all... You must believe you can do... aim higher... don't let negative thoughts saying that you will never be as good as the rest get to you.. destroy this thoughts.. know this... (what I have been telling myself.. uneffective)
WITH GOD, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE
Yes.. So it's no longer a matter of whether denise is good enough.. or whether denise is flexible or strong enough... for all those areas that you lack.. God will provide.. God has a special joy when he brings victory out of the weakness of those he loves... it is to show us that even the weakest can be the greatest when God is involved... so at all times.. remember this...
IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU... IT'S ABOUT GOD.
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I have always thought that I was born positive.. That this is one of the traits of denise that defines her.. and gives her strength.. it is only yesterday (after a string of two weeks of poor ballet performances + negative thinking) that I realised that even my positive energy is from God.. My joyfulness.. positivity is all from God.. and if I should choose to depend on myself to save myself.. I will be headed for disaster...
Above all, I realised that I am really nothing.. In all my training.. I have gotten it into myself that I am good.. and I deserve respect yada yada... and if I am not getting it.. it's just because people don't understand me... But there are many versions of the truth.. The more possible truth would be that I am just simply not good enough.. and by thinking that I am excellent and deserve great respect.. I would inadvertently turn myself into a liability instead of an asset... Sadly, the world CANNOT tolerate a liability.. They seek to eradicate every single one they can find..
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A major mistake I have made time and time again is to have too great expectations on the capabilities of man and too little expectations on the capabilities of God... I expected man to rise to the occasion and behave in an honourable and respectful manner.. but time and time again.. I have been dissapointed by other man.. and ultimately even by myself.. This is when I realise that man is really nothing... and nothing truly great can ever come from a man who is separate from God.
I may seem very 'extremist' saying this but... I am nothing without GOD.. and all that I have achieved and contributed over the last 21 years of my life.. was only possible because of God... may all the glory be to God.. and if man should fail to recognise this effort and achievements.. they will not be stepping on my toes... they would simply be not giving GOD his due respect.. It is an issue GOD will settle for himself.. I, a princess of God.. has no place in affairs as such..
As for me.. I am a CHILD of GOd.. a mere sheep.. I cannot expect anything good to come out of me.. however much I struggle.. even if i try my best to squeeze out every bit of energy within me.. I just can't do it... what I need to do is to fix my eyes on Jesus and on God and ask for the wisdom, knowledge and strength to do God's work...
It's ok if you can't do it... because in all things.. GOD can...
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For the last two weeks.. I have struggled so hard to squeeze out some positive energy... I just couldn't do it.. All of me... and all the aspects that are likable in me .. is not of myself.. it is not of my nature.. my nature is that of sinful flesh.. all that is good in me comes from the Lord.. and only he deserves the glory.. at this moment.. I truly understand why it was so wrong of me to expect an award for my contributions to my old TKD club... Afterall.. all the glory belonged to GOD.. and it is not man who ultimately gives out power and recognition.. it is God.. who being in control of all things.. will gently lead man to making such decisions...
God found it fit that I didn't get the award.. God found it fit that was humiliated.. chased away and placed in another club... I must say that it really was a blessing in disguise.. The new club I train with is excellent.. and I have never felt so loved and blessed for so long... I am comfortable only amongst young children...
Maybe.. its just a speculation... but maybe.. it is only when you are totally beaten and totally humbled.. when you finally realise how meaninglessly small your humanly powers are that God can finally use you.. He needs an empty vessel to channel his power and wisdom to do his good works.. and therefore.. for all his great leaders.. he must first train them through hardship and let them release the illusion of power (from kungfu panda)... and just simply let go and let God...
I look forward to the good works God can do through me.. It is no longer denise working... it is God...
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Thought control
I hate to write such worldly blog entries so let me twart it a little to give God his due respect.. Today's topic is on how to exercise control over our thoughts..
Humans are innately self-conscious people with low self-esteems.. even a person as narcisstic as I.. feel lousy sometimes.. It is really an art to stay confident at all times... it involves the following steps:
Humans are innately self-conscious people with low self-esteems.. even a person as narcisstic as I.. feel lousy sometimes.. It is really an art to stay confident at all times... it involves the following steps:
- Block out negative thoughts.. Train yourself to identify a negative and unrealistic thought and remove it from your system instantly.
- Feel up that void with positive thoughts... Think about God and how nothing is impossible for him.. that he can make good come out of every evil situation..
- Act based on the positive thoughts... learn how to be kind to those who are mean to you.. but don't do so from a position of victimization.. it will only make the person feel like a villian and thus develop greater hate for you..
- Act based on love.. don't look pathetic.. look happy and loving...
Yeah.. So whenever possible.. practise thought control... Try to be steady and positive as much as you can.. however.. if you do feel shitty and terrible and can't control it.. I'ld suggest talking to a positive friend or just staying at home.. don't go out and ruin your relationships by screaming at everyone... experience has thought me that not all friends are equally tolerant.. some friends won't hesitate to abandon you when you start misbehaving.. so be patient.. don't expect so much from all your friends.. stay at home.. sort yourself out.. pray.. listen to sermons on God and Jesus... and when you are ready... go out and see the world again..
Audio sermon - How big is your God?
Was cutting my nails... For the first time in 3 years (estimate) I took my own sweet time to cut the nails in nice ovals... Then it struck me.. for three long years.. I was so busy trying to contribute to my taekwondo club that I had no time to look after myself adequately.. Started to look hagard and distasteful.. no boys were after me.. sad.. and after all that sacrifise.. I was still chased out.. go figure...
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Due to training every sunday.. I am unable to attend church service... however... I have asked my sister to purchase the recording for the previous week's sermon every time I am unable to attend church..
The audio sermon was about.. how big is your God? It speaks about the feeding of the multitudes... how a meagre amount of fish and bread was able to feed 5000 men not including the women and children... Philip (a disciple of Jesus) said that it was impossible to feed so much people and that Jesus should stop preaching and allow them to go and feed themselves.. but Jesus had other plans.. he broke the bread and fish offering of a particular child and managed to feed all the people with 12 basket fulls of leftovers...
The moral of the story.. if you are christian... the rules are different for you.. you are NOT of this world.. you don't have to operate based on the limitations of the world.. Jesus is able to work supernaturally to exceed all your expectations and give you more than you ask for... more than you thought possible...
So.. you got to stop being a Philip and judging God based on worldy principles.. Have a good opinion of God and start believing that God can provide over and abundantly for you.... he will give you all that you need and more... it is easy to write such things when you are me (free enough to take time to cut my nails into nice ovals)...
But this message is meant for all of you out there with areas in your life that you are struggling with.. whether it is in your job.. your hobby.. your relationships.. trying hard to forgive someone.. just remember that God is able.. Nothing is impossible.. if you think it is impossible to forgive this particular so and so.. just commit the matter to God.. leave it to him.. see it nailed to the cross.. walk away from the problem.. let God settle it... I mean.. seriously.. if you have tried so many times and failed... its about time you start trusting God... and if the problem is so big God can't solve it.. then what makes you think you can.. so just leave it alone.. stop probing and probing and making it worse..
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Was at ballet just now.. Have been feeling quit shitty at ballet lately... With my knee aches and back pain from training too hard (6 days a week)... I started to convince myself that I am too old for this.. I should quit ballet.. it doesn't do me any good..
Glad that I heard this sermon.. I believe that God will make a way.. he is healing.. All my injuries are healed in Jesus name... my youth is renewed like the eagles.. All I have to do is trust God... and just leave this matter to him.. don't just quit like that.. I feel there is a purpose for me in ballet.. I might not know it yet.. but God works in miraculous ways to bring you to the precise spot at the perfect time equip with all the wisdom.. knowledge and enthusiasm to do his good works..
So I am a happy chess piece of God.. since I have no real control of my circumstances (as seen from the fact that i was forced to leave my old club)... I might as well be a happy and relaxed chess piece.. afterall.. however much I struggle.. I can only be moved by God for his purpose.. so.. I should just stop struggling and enjoy life like a rollercoaster ride.. *chess piece isn't a good analogy.. remember this.. God has a good plan for all of us.. not like chess pieces really... chess pieces can be sacrifised now and then to save the king and queen.. but we are INDISPENSIBLE in this eyes of God.. importantly enough to sacrifise God's son in order to redeem. =)
I am praying that God heals me of all my injuries and allow me to practise and taekwondo to the best of my ability.. most importantly to keep my spirits up.. to keep me positive and trusting in the LORD especially in the face of adversity...
Sometimes.. the bitterness of one's heart.. only one can enjoy (from the bible proverbs).. no matter how aptly I describe my fears and thoughts.. it is impossible to make you really understand it.. similarly.. I cannot understand your fears and thoughts.. but God can.. Jesus can.. he understands you perfectly because he was himself a man and he was tempted and abused in all the ways imaginable... he will understand you.. so if you ever need a confidant.. turn to Jesus..
Sounds sad right? Turning to a 'make belief' person.. It really is not... You got to try it to understand it.. and read the bible to understand Jesus more.. understand God's purpose more.. afterall... we are all sheep of God.. the only difference is whether we have been found by Jesus or not.. =)
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Due to training every sunday.. I am unable to attend church service... however... I have asked my sister to purchase the recording for the previous week's sermon every time I am unable to attend church..
The audio sermon was about.. how big is your God? It speaks about the feeding of the multitudes... how a meagre amount of fish and bread was able to feed 5000 men not including the women and children... Philip (a disciple of Jesus) said that it was impossible to feed so much people and that Jesus should stop preaching and allow them to go and feed themselves.. but Jesus had other plans.. he broke the bread and fish offering of a particular child and managed to feed all the people with 12 basket fulls of leftovers...
The moral of the story.. if you are christian... the rules are different for you.. you are NOT of this world.. you don't have to operate based on the limitations of the world.. Jesus is able to work supernaturally to exceed all your expectations and give you more than you ask for... more than you thought possible...
So.. you got to stop being a Philip and judging God based on worldy principles.. Have a good opinion of God and start believing that God can provide over and abundantly for you.... he will give you all that you need and more... it is easy to write such things when you are me (free enough to take time to cut my nails into nice ovals)...
But this message is meant for all of you out there with areas in your life that you are struggling with.. whether it is in your job.. your hobby.. your relationships.. trying hard to forgive someone.. just remember that God is able.. Nothing is impossible.. if you think it is impossible to forgive this particular so and so.. just commit the matter to God.. leave it to him.. see it nailed to the cross.. walk away from the problem.. let God settle it... I mean.. seriously.. if you have tried so many times and failed... its about time you start trusting God... and if the problem is so big God can't solve it.. then what makes you think you can.. so just leave it alone.. stop probing and probing and making it worse..
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Was at ballet just now.. Have been feeling quit shitty at ballet lately... With my knee aches and back pain from training too hard (6 days a week)... I started to convince myself that I am too old for this.. I should quit ballet.. it doesn't do me any good..
Glad that I heard this sermon.. I believe that God will make a way.. he is healing.. All my injuries are healed in Jesus name... my youth is renewed like the eagles.. All I have to do is trust God... and just leave this matter to him.. don't just quit like that.. I feel there is a purpose for me in ballet.. I might not know it yet.. but God works in miraculous ways to bring you to the precise spot at the perfect time equip with all the wisdom.. knowledge and enthusiasm to do his good works..
So I am a happy chess piece of God.. since I have no real control of my circumstances (as seen from the fact that i was forced to leave my old club)... I might as well be a happy and relaxed chess piece.. afterall.. however much I struggle.. I can only be moved by God for his purpose.. so.. I should just stop struggling and enjoy life like a rollercoaster ride.. *chess piece isn't a good analogy.. remember this.. God has a good plan for all of us.. not like chess pieces really... chess pieces can be sacrifised now and then to save the king and queen.. but we are INDISPENSIBLE in this eyes of God.. importantly enough to sacrifise God's son in order to redeem. =)
I am praying that God heals me of all my injuries and allow me to practise and taekwondo to the best of my ability.. most importantly to keep my spirits up.. to keep me positive and trusting in the LORD especially in the face of adversity...
Sometimes.. the bitterness of one's heart.. only one can enjoy (from the bible proverbs).. no matter how aptly I describe my fears and thoughts.. it is impossible to make you really understand it.. similarly.. I cannot understand your fears and thoughts.. but God can.. Jesus can.. he understands you perfectly because he was himself a man and he was tempted and abused in all the ways imaginable... he will understand you.. so if you ever need a confidant.. turn to Jesus..
Sounds sad right? Turning to a 'make belief' person.. It really is not... You got to try it to understand it.. and read the bible to understand Jesus more.. understand God's purpose more.. afterall... we are all sheep of God.. the only difference is whether we have been found by Jesus or not.. =)
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Common sense and shitty sense
Some common sense that we all need to learn: (irony)
- Man works naturally.. God can work in the supernatural.. so dream big dreams... and stop depending on yourself
- Be nice to your friends and they will be nice to you
- It's not good to chase away your family members and/or someone who loves you.. they are TOO rare to begin with...
- You must never love your superior.. it is too disadvantageous for you.. you will be constantly trying to win his love and when he's bored of you... he can easily dispense of you.. whether you want it or not
Some shitty sense you need to unlearn:
- Do not be nice to people.. or they will take you for granted... (be nice.. if they take you for granted.. it's their loss.. but always try)
- There's no point giving a sinner another opportunity.. he will only make the same mistakes again.. (we are all sinners.. we SHOULD give people as many opportunity as it takes for them to do it right)
- Do not carve on bad wood (chinese idiom) (It's not applicable on men.. In terms of men.. there is no classification of good and bad wood... every one should get a chance to try.. and everyone has a chance to win.. Don't tell a short man that basket ball is not for him... if he trains hard.. he can be the best he can be.. but if you demoralise him now.. he will never even bother to try)
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
The bluest eye
Time to share with you another story.. The Bluest Eye... By Toni Morrison... One of my many literature texts in my first year in university...
I read many books... But somehow.. I am drawn to books that really speak about the emotional destruction of humans... books that talk about discrimination.. abuse.. It just speaks to me.. You see... very little would know this about me.. but I was really discriminated by my peers throughout of my primary and secondary years.. I have always put the blame on my peers.. because I didn't understand that sometimes my behavior could have influenced them to discriminate me.. I always push the entire blame on them..
So it is in my later years (JC and above) that I decided to make a change.. be less timidly and see if things do get better... It was this phrase "how can you expect different results if you keep doing things the same way." that inspired me to change... It was then that I realised that even I could have friends.. Of course.. the earlier 10 years of my education was quite painful.. and I am just browsing through it in an unemotional fashion.. but it was these first 10 years of education that really left a mark on my heart... it was almost involuntary.. I resolved to NOT EVER EVER discriminate another person for the rest of my live.. because I knew how hurtful it was.. and to ALWAYS help people assimilate into the environment.. I understood loneliness..
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OK.. back to the story.. The story speaks about a period not so long ago.. maybe about 90 years ago in America.. There were many many sub plots but the one I remembered most vividly was of this young afro-american girl about the age of 10 years who was brought up by her mother and alcoholic father... She's always admired caucasian girls with blue eyes because she saw in school that these girls are favoured both my the teachers and the boys.. and they never had trouble looking for attention or love.. She thought that once she had blue eyes, people will love her... So she prayed and prayed that one day her eyes would turn blue...
One day.. she got her period... and her friend told her that she could now be a mother.. but first she had to find a man to love her... she was puzzled.. she asked her friend "How do you make someone love you?". ..Seriously.. I think that most of you might think that it is a really lame question but that is the question I kept myself since I was a small girl.. Ever since I left my Aunt's place at 7.. I never felt loved.. ever..
So.. as the story progresses... the alcoholic father of hers.. went crazy one night and raped her... she went crazy instantly.. and after a few more rapes.. she got pregnant.. Her insanity created the illusion that she had blue eyes.. and for once she was so happy... I remember my teacher commenting that it was her insanity that protected her and prevented her from self-destroying... and that it was sort of a happy ending..
Eventually her baby died a still born in her womb.. she was far too young to carry a baby...
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Well, seriously.. I am not doing the story any justice.. You got to read the book yourself to truly be at awe of its magnificence...It so clearly and painfully described the feeling of being discriminated.. It is just like I could have wrote it myself.. Just that someone beat me to it.. long before i was born...
And of course... The age old question... "How do you make someone love you?"
I read many books... But somehow.. I am drawn to books that really speak about the emotional destruction of humans... books that talk about discrimination.. abuse.. It just speaks to me.. You see... very little would know this about me.. but I was really discriminated by my peers throughout of my primary and secondary years.. I have always put the blame on my peers.. because I didn't understand that sometimes my behavior could have influenced them to discriminate me.. I always push the entire blame on them..
So it is in my later years (JC and above) that I decided to make a change.. be less timidly and see if things do get better... It was this phrase "how can you expect different results if you keep doing things the same way." that inspired me to change... It was then that I realised that even I could have friends.. Of course.. the earlier 10 years of my education was quite painful.. and I am just browsing through it in an unemotional fashion.. but it was these first 10 years of education that really left a mark on my heart... it was almost involuntary.. I resolved to NOT EVER EVER discriminate another person for the rest of my live.. because I knew how hurtful it was.. and to ALWAYS help people assimilate into the environment.. I understood loneliness..
____________________________________________________
OK.. back to the story.. The story speaks about a period not so long ago.. maybe about 90 years ago in America.. There were many many sub plots but the one I remembered most vividly was of this young afro-american girl about the age of 10 years who was brought up by her mother and alcoholic father... She's always admired caucasian girls with blue eyes because she saw in school that these girls are favoured both my the teachers and the boys.. and they never had trouble looking for attention or love.. She thought that once she had blue eyes, people will love her... So she prayed and prayed that one day her eyes would turn blue...
One day.. she got her period... and her friend told her that she could now be a mother.. but first she had to find a man to love her... she was puzzled.. she asked her friend "How do you make someone love you?". ..Seriously.. I think that most of you might think that it is a really lame question but that is the question I kept myself since I was a small girl.. Ever since I left my Aunt's place at 7.. I never felt loved.. ever..
So.. as the story progresses... the alcoholic father of hers.. went crazy one night and raped her... she went crazy instantly.. and after a few more rapes.. she got pregnant.. Her insanity created the illusion that she had blue eyes.. and for once she was so happy... I remember my teacher commenting that it was her insanity that protected her and prevented her from self-destroying... and that it was sort of a happy ending..
Eventually her baby died a still born in her womb.. she was far too young to carry a baby...
_______________________________________________________
Well, seriously.. I am not doing the story any justice.. You got to read the book yourself to truly be at awe of its magnificence...It so clearly and painfully described the feeling of being discriminated.. It is just like I could have wrote it myself.. Just that someone beat me to it.. long before i was born...
And of course... The age old question... "How do you make someone love you?"
Washing Machine
I remember one of my teachers telling me that trees in tropical climates like singapore are less healthy compared to temperate trees.. because they do not go through the natural cycle of the seasons like the temperate trees do... Temperature trees.. though they seem to wither when winter approaches.. actually make use of the winter to rest.. surviving on the stored energy of summer and spring... so throughout winter.. they need not work.. all they have to do is shed their leaves and rest...
I remember liking to do strange things like cooking.. baking cookies from stratch.. experimenting with all sorts of weird things.. planning adventurous trips out... I just can't remember when was it that taekwondo and ballet totally invaded into personal time and drove me to such exhaustion that all my desire for adventure and experiment was extinguished...
But it's back... After being transformed into this workaholic neat freak who can only train, study, clean up the house and do the laundry.. I am actually starting to become free enough to embrace the idea of cooking a proper meal for myself... You know... most of the time.. I would just settle for campbell soup or instant noodles.. Too tired to go through the hassle.. but lately.. Today actually.. I cooked.. I risked getting the kitchen floor oily to cook myself a decent meal..
It's been one month since my work attachment ended.. True that I still train 6 nights a week and learn driving once a week.. But I have all the days to myself.. and there is just this limited amount of housework one can do.. after that.. the whole day is really for myself.. I find myself planning movie trips to downtown east(just a 10 min walk from my place).. buying groceries and cooking new things...
My trip to Australia has taught me that discovery travel and living (a SCV channel) is for real.. such places really do exist.. and my short 7 days in australia was sufficient to show me that for these 3 years I have been obsessing over a small little taekwondo club of about 50 active members when there is such a fantastic world out there waiting for me to explore... Going on a holiday really made my problems look so much smaller... and more importantly.. it gave me a clear idea of what I want...
I want adventure... I want to see the world... Yet.. I still treasure my time in taekwondo and ballet.. you can see the world.. but home is where the heart is.. no place is really like the club where you dance and train in.. it is where you go through challenges with the same group of people.. when you really build each other up and impact each other for the better.. you can't do that when you are travelling.. travelling only opens your eyes to the big world... you gain experience and wisdom which you can use to deal with situations when you are back home...
I thought that travelling alone was scary.. But it turned out really easy.. It is just like travelling on the MRT alone.. taking a plane alone is not difficult at all.. you don't feel any lonelier or out of control.. besides.. nobody knows you.. so you get to pretend that you are some independent frequent traveller... which i secretly believe that I am...
It is really like when I first moved into hostel.. I thought that doing my laundry would be a very difficult task.. You see.. I never operated a washing machine before.. and from all the complaining of my father... I have put together a rather scary image of the washing machine.. I imagined it to be somewhat like a car.. you need a basic theory.. advance theory and washing police test to become proficient in the use of it... But the truth is.. when I finally tried it.. I really liked it... It's so easy.. just throw the clothes in... add washing powder and press start... It was then that I realised.. that what my father was complaining about was not the difficulty of washing clothes.. but the mundaneness of it all... having to do it day after day... But seriously.. I would rather be independent and do my own laundry.. knowing that it is so easy...
The thing about the adult world.. it is not as complicated as it seems.. As a child.. you always imagine adults to be so much more intelligent and capable and in control of their emotions... Now that I am a 21 year old ADULT.. I realise that that is all just a facade... You might be an adult.. but all you have improved is your ability to pretend that you are firm and steady... most of the time.. I am still shivering inside...
True that you do get wiser and you do learn from your mistakes.. but somehow.. I can't help but feel as vulnerable as I did when I was a kid.. Well, as long as this vulnerability does not translate into neediness.. dependence and the need to destroy others to protect myself.. I guess it is alright...
Cheers to all the adults kids out there... I finally know your secret...
I remember liking to do strange things like cooking.. baking cookies from stratch.. experimenting with all sorts of weird things.. planning adventurous trips out... I just can't remember when was it that taekwondo and ballet totally invaded into personal time and drove me to such exhaustion that all my desire for adventure and experiment was extinguished...
But it's back... After being transformed into this workaholic neat freak who can only train, study, clean up the house and do the laundry.. I am actually starting to become free enough to embrace the idea of cooking a proper meal for myself... You know... most of the time.. I would just settle for campbell soup or instant noodles.. Too tired to go through the hassle.. but lately.. Today actually.. I cooked.. I risked getting the kitchen floor oily to cook myself a decent meal..
It's been one month since my work attachment ended.. True that I still train 6 nights a week and learn driving once a week.. But I have all the days to myself.. and there is just this limited amount of housework one can do.. after that.. the whole day is really for myself.. I find myself planning movie trips to downtown east(just a 10 min walk from my place).. buying groceries and cooking new things...
My trip to Australia has taught me that discovery travel and living (a SCV channel) is for real.. such places really do exist.. and my short 7 days in australia was sufficient to show me that for these 3 years I have been obsessing over a small little taekwondo club of about 50 active members when there is such a fantastic world out there waiting for me to explore... Going on a holiday really made my problems look so much smaller... and more importantly.. it gave me a clear idea of what I want...
I want adventure... I want to see the world... Yet.. I still treasure my time in taekwondo and ballet.. you can see the world.. but home is where the heart is.. no place is really like the club where you dance and train in.. it is where you go through challenges with the same group of people.. when you really build each other up and impact each other for the better.. you can't do that when you are travelling.. travelling only opens your eyes to the big world... you gain experience and wisdom which you can use to deal with situations when you are back home...
I thought that travelling alone was scary.. But it turned out really easy.. It is just like travelling on the MRT alone.. taking a plane alone is not difficult at all.. you don't feel any lonelier or out of control.. besides.. nobody knows you.. so you get to pretend that you are some independent frequent traveller... which i secretly believe that I am...
It is really like when I first moved into hostel.. I thought that doing my laundry would be a very difficult task.. You see.. I never operated a washing machine before.. and from all the complaining of my father... I have put together a rather scary image of the washing machine.. I imagined it to be somewhat like a car.. you need a basic theory.. advance theory and washing police test to become proficient in the use of it... But the truth is.. when I finally tried it.. I really liked it... It's so easy.. just throw the clothes in... add washing powder and press start... It was then that I realised.. that what my father was complaining about was not the difficulty of washing clothes.. but the mundaneness of it all... having to do it day after day... But seriously.. I would rather be independent and do my own laundry.. knowing that it is so easy...
The thing about the adult world.. it is not as complicated as it seems.. As a child.. you always imagine adults to be so much more intelligent and capable and in control of their emotions... Now that I am a 21 year old ADULT.. I realise that that is all just a facade... You might be an adult.. but all you have improved is your ability to pretend that you are firm and steady... most of the time.. I am still shivering inside...
True that you do get wiser and you do learn from your mistakes.. but somehow.. I can't help but feel as vulnerable as I did when I was a kid.. Well, as long as this vulnerability does not translate into neediness.. dependence and the need to destroy others to protect myself.. I guess it is alright...
Cheers to all the adults kids out there... I finally know your secret...
Monday, June 2, 2008
Wisdom
What is wisdom?
- You don't have to be the smartest and strongest of the lot to be loved.
- Respect always has to be earned and fear is not respect.
- Love is always greater than respect because love covers all faults.
- You don't have to punish every mistake to make people learn. People learn faster when they are loved.
- Not taking your circumstances for granted.
- To judge not only only based on what you can see and hear.. but to see beneath the surface and make your judgment...
- To know that you are being judged by men for everything you do.. but God does not judge you.. You already have all his favour...
- To stop judging others altogether.. and loving them for who they are.
- To know that every relationship needs tender loving care.
- To know the difference between a king and a servant is only in the title. They share the same fears and weakness.
- Wisdom helps us smile at the smallest things.. because life has taught us how cruel men can be.. and thus all these small cute things are indeed precious moments...
- To look at a problem and know that it can be easily solved.. do not overestimate it...
- To look at an insult and take it as a compliment.. 'the person is probably just jealous'
- To look at a compliment and know that there's a 50% chance that it is fake.. but still be happy because of the 50% chance that it is genuine.
- To listen to an hidden insult and pretend that you didn't hear it.
- To let go and let God.
The magic stone soup
Time to share one of my favourite bedtime stories.. Stumbled upon it when I was around 6... Was one of the stories in a very well painted story book I borrowed from the library... It's called the magic stone soup...
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Once upon a time, there was a young traveller, a hungry traveller. He stumbled upon a house with a remarkable garden filled with onions, carrots, brocolli, tomatoes and many other vegetables. He knocked on the door to see if anyone was home. He wanted to ask for some food.
To his surprise, a very thin old lady opened the door. He said nicely,"Mam, I am very hungry. Is it alright that you let me in and give me some food please. I will be very grateful."
The old lady was grouchy. She replied, "I am very hungry myself. Have no food. Haven't eaten in days. Please go away now."
The traveller was surprised... He thought to himself.. is it possible that that old lady doesn't know that her garden is so rich with food... He came up with a plan to get himself some food...
He said, "Mam, I have a magic rock. This magic rock makes great soup with just water. All you have to do is to put the rock into a pot of water and boil. Since we are so hungry, shall we try it?"
The old lady, as hungry as she was, agreed and allowed the young traveller into her home... The traveller bought a pot of water to boil and added the rock in... He tasted the soup and said...
"It's good. But if we added some onions, it will taste much better."
The old lady said,"But I have no onions."
Traveller replied, "Of course you have. It's outside. Let me show you." He went outside and took some onions and added it into the soup.
Then he tasted the soup again and said, "It's good, but if we added some tomatoes, it will taste much better."
The old lady said,"But I have no tomatoes."
The traveller replied, "Of course you do. It's outside. Let me show you." He went outside and took some tomatoes and added it into the soup.
This cycle continued until the soup was so filled with ingredients... that it smelled and tasted wonderful. Then the traveller asked the old lady to try to soup... The lady was amazed.. She was so impressed by the magic rock that she wanted to buy it from the traveller... Then the traveller said.. This is no magic rock.. It's just an ordinary rock.. It is your ingredients that made the soup taste so good...
They both laughed.. Sat down and had a great meal..
____________________________________________________
The reason why I like this story so much is because most of us are like this old lady... We have so many gifts and talents but we are literally 'starving to death'... Sometimes all we need is for someone to come into our lives to remind us of what we have and what we can do with these gifts...
I feel that that's really the duty of our friends, family and teachers.. to uncover the talents behind every one of us and to teach us how to use these talents to feed ourselves and those around us...
Yap, so if you are feeling lonely, miserable or out of touch... Remember that you probably already have the solution for your problems.. And your duty is to make use of your talents to go out and inspire and help others....
And every once in a while, just take the extra step to become the traveller yourself.. do not simply stomp to the garden, grab some vegetables and walk away... make it point to show the old lady what she's got.. It will be so much more fulfilling...
_____________________________________________________
Once upon a time, there was a young traveller, a hungry traveller. He stumbled upon a house with a remarkable garden filled with onions, carrots, brocolli, tomatoes and many other vegetables. He knocked on the door to see if anyone was home. He wanted to ask for some food.
To his surprise, a very thin old lady opened the door. He said nicely,"Mam, I am very hungry. Is it alright that you let me in and give me some food please. I will be very grateful."
The old lady was grouchy. She replied, "I am very hungry myself. Have no food. Haven't eaten in days. Please go away now."
The traveller was surprised... He thought to himself.. is it possible that that old lady doesn't know that her garden is so rich with food... He came up with a plan to get himself some food...
He said, "Mam, I have a magic rock. This magic rock makes great soup with just water. All you have to do is to put the rock into a pot of water and boil. Since we are so hungry, shall we try it?"
The old lady, as hungry as she was, agreed and allowed the young traveller into her home... The traveller bought a pot of water to boil and added the rock in... He tasted the soup and said...
"It's good. But if we added some onions, it will taste much better."
The old lady said,"But I have no onions."
Traveller replied, "Of course you have. It's outside. Let me show you." He went outside and took some onions and added it into the soup.
Then he tasted the soup again and said, "It's good, but if we added some tomatoes, it will taste much better."
The old lady said,"But I have no tomatoes."
The traveller replied, "Of course you do. It's outside. Let me show you." He went outside and took some tomatoes and added it into the soup.
This cycle continued until the soup was so filled with ingredients... that it smelled and tasted wonderful. Then the traveller asked the old lady to try to soup... The lady was amazed.. She was so impressed by the magic rock that she wanted to buy it from the traveller... Then the traveller said.. This is no magic rock.. It's just an ordinary rock.. It is your ingredients that made the soup taste so good...
They both laughed.. Sat down and had a great meal..
____________________________________________________
The reason why I like this story so much is because most of us are like this old lady... We have so many gifts and talents but we are literally 'starving to death'... Sometimes all we need is for someone to come into our lives to remind us of what we have and what we can do with these gifts...
I feel that that's really the duty of our friends, family and teachers.. to uncover the talents behind every one of us and to teach us how to use these talents to feed ourselves and those around us...
Yap, so if you are feeling lonely, miserable or out of touch... Remember that you probably already have the solution for your problems.. And your duty is to make use of your talents to go out and inspire and help others....
And every once in a while, just take the extra step to become the traveller yourself.. do not simply stomp to the garden, grab some vegetables and walk away... make it point to show the old lady what she's got.. It will be so much more fulfilling...
Sunday, June 1, 2008
On me
A friend of mine told me that I should talk more about myself in my blog entries.. so that people can understand me more.. Here goes nothing...
Time to reveal some of my major flaws.. besides narcissism that is.. I have a tendency to stereotype people.. I also tend to keep a big big big distance from people because I can't seem to trust anyone... and most importantly... I become weak when I am in love... I become insecure.. posessive... dependent.. attention seeking... not my typical self.. My normal self is confident.. secure and narcissistic self .. but once I am in it.. I lose my self-confidence completely..
So.. if you like who I am now.. please be prepared to know that I am a very different person once I fall.
On my strengths.. I am really like a big kid.. I can't seem to hate anyone for long.. Even if you don't apologise.. I seem to come up with an excuse for you... yeah.. and forgive everything because I believe Jesus already paid your price on the cross. While some people may think that I am painfully frank.. I need to say that I am a very honest person... I never hide my feelings.. which makes me really politcally unacceptable..
I tend to have a pity on all small and pathetic things... and I seriously do love them.. but it's very different when it comes to real lovey dovey getting married kind of love.. I only fall in love with people who I admire and respect greatly...
I am also very temperamental and self centered.. please don't imagine that I am a nice person.. I am really not... have little or no expectations of me and we will last long as friends.. Please don't be fooled by my smiles that I am a nice person.. I AM NOT A NICE PERSON...
Okie.. that's it for now. =)
Time to reveal some of my major flaws.. besides narcissism that is.. I have a tendency to stereotype people.. I also tend to keep a big big big distance from people because I can't seem to trust anyone... and most importantly... I become weak when I am in love... I become insecure.. posessive... dependent.. attention seeking... not my typical self.. My normal self is confident.. secure and narcissistic self .. but once I am in it.. I lose my self-confidence completely..
So.. if you like who I am now.. please be prepared to know that I am a very different person once I fall.
On my strengths.. I am really like a big kid.. I can't seem to hate anyone for long.. Even if you don't apologise.. I seem to come up with an excuse for you... yeah.. and forgive everything because I believe Jesus already paid your price on the cross. While some people may think that I am painfully frank.. I need to say that I am a very honest person... I never hide my feelings.. which makes me really politcally unacceptable..
I tend to have a pity on all small and pathetic things... and I seriously do love them.. but it's very different when it comes to real lovey dovey getting married kind of love.. I only fall in love with people who I admire and respect greatly...
I am also very temperamental and self centered.. please don't imagine that I am a nice person.. I am really not... have little or no expectations of me and we will last long as friends.. Please don't be fooled by my smiles that I am a nice person.. I AM NOT A NICE PERSON...
Okie.. that's it for now. =)
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