I am nothing... God is everything

The two loves of my life - Ballet and Taekwondo (in accordance to alphabetical order). My love for ballet is dying... To the extent that I feel that I may drop out at any moment... This blog entry is for me.. to encourage myself...

You alone are responsible for your own training... You should not be performing well only when your teacher is looking but at all times.. You must be passionate enough to squeeze out every last bit of effort to perfect the move you are doing... Above all... You must believe you can do... aim higher... don't let negative thoughts saying that you will never be as good as the rest get to you.. destroy this thoughts.. know this... (what I have been telling myself.. uneffective)

WITH GOD, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE

Yes.. So it's no longer a matter of whether denise is good enough.. or whether denise is flexible or strong enough... for all those areas that you lack.. God will provide.. God has a special joy when he brings victory out of the weakness of those he loves... it is to show us that even the weakest can be the greatest when God is involved... so at all times.. remember this...

IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU... IT'S ABOUT GOD.

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I have always thought that I was born positive.. That this is one of the traits of denise that defines her.. and gives her strength.. it is only yesterday (after a string of two weeks of poor ballet performances + negative thinking) that I realised that even my positive energy is from God.. My joyfulness.. positivity is all from God.. and if I should choose to depend on myself to save myself.. I will be headed for disaster...

Above all, I realised that I am really nothing.. In all my training.. I have gotten it into myself that I am good.. and I deserve respect yada yada... and if I am not getting it.. it's just because people don't understand me... But there are many versions of the truth.. The more possible truth would be that I am just simply not good enough.. and by thinking that I am excellent and deserve great respect.. I would inadvertently turn myself into a liability instead of an asset... Sadly, the world CANNOT tolerate a liability.. They seek to eradicate every single one they can find..

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A major mistake I have made time and time again is to have too great expectations on the capabilities of man and too little expectations on the capabilities of God... I expected man to rise to the occasion and behave in an honourable and respectful manner.. but time and time again.. I have been dissapointed by other man.. and ultimately even by myself.. This is when I realise that man is really nothing... and nothing truly great can ever come from a man who is separate from God.

I may seem very 'extremist' saying this but... I am nothing without GOD.. and all that I have achieved and contributed over the last 21 years of my life.. was only possible because of God... may all the glory be to God.. and if man should fail to recognise this effort and achievements.. they will not be stepping on my toes... they would simply be not giving GOD his due respect.. It is an issue GOD will settle for himself.. I, a princess of God.. has no place in affairs as such..

As for me.. I am a CHILD of GOd.. a mere sheep.. I cannot expect anything good to come out of me.. however much I struggle.. even if i try my best to squeeze out every bit of energy within me.. I just can't do it... what I need to do is to fix my eyes on Jesus and on God and ask for the wisdom, knowledge and strength to do God's work...

It's ok if you can't do it... because in all things.. GOD can...
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For the last two weeks.. I have struggled so hard to squeeze out some positive energy... I just couldn't do it.. All of me... and all the aspects that are likable in me .. is not of myself.. it is not of my nature.. my nature is that of sinful flesh.. all that is good in me comes from the Lord.. and only he deserves the glory.. at this moment.. I truly understand why it was so wrong of me to expect an award for my contributions to my old TKD club... Afterall.. all the glory belonged to GOD.. and it is not man who ultimately gives out power and recognition.. it is God.. who being in control of all things.. will gently lead man to making such decisions...

God found it fit that I didn't get the award.. God found it fit that was humiliated.. chased away and placed in another club... I must say that it really was a blessing in disguise.. The new club I train with is excellent.. and I have never felt so loved and blessed for so long... I am comfortable only amongst young children...

Maybe.. its just a speculation... but maybe.. it is only when you are totally beaten and totally humbled.. when you finally realise how meaninglessly small your humanly powers are that God can finally use you.. He needs an empty vessel to channel his power and wisdom to do his good works.. and therefore.. for all his great leaders.. he must first train them through hardship and let them release the illusion of power (from kungfu panda)... and just simply let go and let God...

I look forward to the good works God can do through me.. It is no longer denise working... it is God...