Was boiling some water to make tea. Forgot to off the stove.. Went to the room and fell asleep with the dog... My parents came home 2 hours later and told me I forgot to off the stove.. Was momentarily shocked... I almost killed myself... I am afraid that people would imagine that its suicide... But its not... i am just forgetful... So if ever I died in such a 'suicide looking' way.. trust me.. I will never kill myself..
I've already been through so much.. what is this man? Peanuts... Don't be mistaken k.. I am not a softy... What does not kill you makes you stronger.. I am so much stronger now.
With that said, It is really a very uneventful way to die. I have imagined myself dying of a heartbreak, or perhaps being KOed to death... or perhaps... killed by oncoming traffic.. or by falling off the train tracks.. but this? To die from stove gas.. really too undramatic.. serious...
Feeling a little blur now.. Gas in my head I guess... Hope it won't cause anymore brain damage... Not very intelligent already... I hope for a more dramatic death... to put an end to my drama queen life...
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Honours year
Spoke to someone wise. Though it was only for a couple of minutes, it really left a great impression on me. And you know, great impressions are not all defined by adrenaline rushes, heart beats and cloudy feelings in the head... For me.. it is the wisdom of that few lines... that slowly creeped into my life as I experienced more and more.
He said "One should not strive to become what you are not. Don't stress yourself to become something you are not."
To tell you honestly, I felt quite discouraged immediately after listening to him. But as life progressed. I learnt that the things in life, that comes easiest are the things that are really meant for us.. Things that you put in so much effort to chase after... are normally things that are hard to attain... and even if you should ever attain it... you might lose it anytime.. you will insecure and unsure all your life.. Let me summarise it in a simple equation below:
What we all think:
Study hard --> become academically inclined--> Do honours year
What the truth is:
Naturally academically inclined --> Do honours year
This fact is of arguable.. some would say.. that it's afterall 1% inspiration and 99% pespiration (pardon my spelling)... the thing is.. What if you are not even inspired? What if you are just following your friends and conforming to social norms? Think about it? If you love the topic you are studying, you are natually inclined to read more and study longer hours.. out of interest.. not just to do well.. but because you want to learn more.. honours year is thus meant for students like this... students who are genuinely interested. Not students who just want to get an additional title to look good.
_____________________________________________
What we all think:
Put on alot of make up --> become beautiful --> becomes model
The truth:
Naturally beautiful --> Becomes a model
________________________________________
God works best when you rest... And not just physically.. but mentally.. God wants you to be at complete rest and do the things that he made you to do... He placed talent in every one of us... we might not be able to identify these talents just as yet... but they are there... so STOP looking at the social norm.. STOP comparing yourself with your friends.. Instead, focus on discovering what you do best... then go with the flow...
All the stars will align for your advantage when you follow God's will (adapted from the alchemist)... You just have relax and let nature takes its course.. There is a high chance that God has already placed a sign in your life... or perhaps a person who can guide you... he/she might be the most unlikely person.. so don't look down on anyone around you... Listen to them... Not only hear their words.. but listen as if.. there's a chance that it might be true...
He said "One should not strive to become what you are not. Don't stress yourself to become something you are not."
To tell you honestly, I felt quite discouraged immediately after listening to him. But as life progressed. I learnt that the things in life, that comes easiest are the things that are really meant for us.. Things that you put in so much effort to chase after... are normally things that are hard to attain... and even if you should ever attain it... you might lose it anytime.. you will insecure and unsure all your life.. Let me summarise it in a simple equation below:
What we all think:
Study hard --> become academically inclined--> Do honours year
What the truth is:
Naturally academically inclined --> Do honours year
This fact is of arguable.. some would say.. that it's afterall 1% inspiration and 99% pespiration (pardon my spelling)... the thing is.. What if you are not even inspired? What if you are just following your friends and conforming to social norms? Think about it? If you love the topic you are studying, you are natually inclined to read more and study longer hours.. out of interest.. not just to do well.. but because you want to learn more.. honours year is thus meant for students like this... students who are genuinely interested. Not students who just want to get an additional title to look good.
_____________________________________________
What we all think:
Put on alot of make up --> become beautiful --> becomes model
The truth:
Naturally beautiful --> Becomes a model
________________________________________
God works best when you rest... And not just physically.. but mentally.. God wants you to be at complete rest and do the things that he made you to do... He placed talent in every one of us... we might not be able to identify these talents just as yet... but they are there... so STOP looking at the social norm.. STOP comparing yourself with your friends.. Instead, focus on discovering what you do best... then go with the flow...
All the stars will align for your advantage when you follow God's will (adapted from the alchemist)... You just have relax and let nature takes its course.. There is a high chance that God has already placed a sign in your life... or perhaps a person who can guide you... he/she might be the most unlikely person.. so don't look down on anyone around you... Listen to them... Not only hear their words.. but listen as if.. there's a chance that it might be true...
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Bus driver
I endeavour to be simple minded and selfless..
Saw a poster at the bus interchange on my way home from white sands.. It's a poster on a bus driver who was awarded the best bus driver award in the whole of Asia pacific. A quote from him:
"I only want my passengers to be happy. That's the most important thing."
Found myself quite touched by this phrase.. I guess what we need more in society are people like that bus driver... Who smiles and greets his passengers... and helps the elderly on and off the bus... For him.. his job as a bus driver is not only a job... it is a calling... to help serve people...
With all that said... the moral of the story is to treat your everyday tasks and jobs... (going to school, going for training, going to work, going for tuition) not only as a mundane everyday task.. but as a calling... endeavor to touch lives from whatever position you are in and God will give you exactly what you need to fulfil every good work you endeavor to do...
That's what makes you shine brighter than the rest. =)
Saw a poster at the bus interchange on my way home from white sands.. It's a poster on a bus driver who was awarded the best bus driver award in the whole of Asia pacific. A quote from him:
"I only want my passengers to be happy. That's the most important thing."
Found myself quite touched by this phrase.. I guess what we need more in society are people like that bus driver... Who smiles and greets his passengers... and helps the elderly on and off the bus... For him.. his job as a bus driver is not only a job... it is a calling... to help serve people...
With all that said... the moral of the story is to treat your everyday tasks and jobs... (going to school, going for training, going to work, going for tuition) not only as a mundane everyday task.. but as a calling... endeavor to touch lives from whatever position you are in and God will give you exactly what you need to fulfil every good work you endeavor to do...
That's what makes you shine brighter than the rest. =)
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
You can still win
Had driving test yesterday. Failed. Went for NTU taekwondo training. Was very fun. Quite tiring though. But felt very happy and satisfied after training.
I am so prone to becoming depressed. Especially when I start taking the things around me TOO seriously. I forgot to live the moment. That's the problem with people with dreams and aspirations. They tend to cast their sights on too distant a target that they forgot how to live in the moment.
For example. Though I am not selected for the AUG, I can still train with the team and do what I would have done if I were selected. So I can either focus on training hard and enjoying the priviledge of training at NTU or I can keep focusing on the last 2 weeks when I will not be able to join the team in their trip to KL. I choose the first option. For all you know, if I die before december, then the tournament itself won't really matter so much would it? Might as well, just live for the moment and be as happy as I can be.
The thing about Korean and Japanese drama... You see a successful woman.. in the height of her career with a handsome fiancee. Everything in her life is moving on track. She is a perfectionist. She has every right to be... since everything is on track.. She doesn't tolerate any sort of imperfections. Nope. Not one. She is always in absolute control... Then one day.. one thing falls out of place... she works hard to try to curb that problem to revert her life back to absolute perfection. And then she discovers that she has cancer and only 3 months left to live... Suddenly, all the things she felt was so important didn't matter anymore.
Why am I telling you this inconsequential story? The thing is... too many of us are like that successful woman in the story... we are on the right track in life... moving on the fast pace... and we start imagining that we are going to live forever... We scheme and plot... plot and plan... to try to secure some form of eternal security and stability...
We forgot to take risks and live life on the edge... Only when we have a deadline set on our lifes.. like (3 months)... that we decide to just break free from all our reservations and do the things we always wanted to do... And to not waste any moment being upset. And it is also because of this misconception of eternal life on earth that we place too high a value on things that do not really matter... For example, you may cry for days for not recieving the job promotion you've been working for for two years... You think your boss, your company and even God has wronged you.... Then, when you imagine that you could have been down with cancer with only 6 months left to live.. all these things fade into oblivion.. you start seeing things in proper perspective... At least you still have your family and friends... At least you are still healthy and young... the job promotion doesn't seem so important anymore...
Therefore, I believe the take home message for the day is to be more process orientated.. You don't always have to be so result orientated... Enjoy the process in which things are being done.. And realise that the enjoyment derived from the process is not dependent on the outcome at all.. You can enjoy training alot and still lose... similarly you can skip training and still win... But at the end of the day... who gains more? Therefore, whenever possible.. choose to enjoy training AND win...
_____________________________________________
The thing with many players these days.. they enter the arena thinking that they just want to gain experience.. They don't believe that they can win.... They don't believe that if they try hard enough.. and if they want it enough.. they can win... Therefore.. they are not even trying... You see them tailing by one point in the last 20 seconds.. and yet.. they refuse to kick... This is a very obvious sign that the mind of the player is not ready for the tournament yet.. The most basic thing is to believe that you can win.. and to give yourself a fair chance of winning by at least trying till the last moment...
Don't give up on yourself... Don't listen to what people say.. You must be determined... You may not be very good now.. but as long as you are willing to train.. you are willing to stand right back up after a KO and continue fighting.. you have a chance of winning... Don't give on yourself... You can still win.
I am so prone to becoming depressed. Especially when I start taking the things around me TOO seriously. I forgot to live the moment. That's the problem with people with dreams and aspirations. They tend to cast their sights on too distant a target that they forgot how to live in the moment.
For example. Though I am not selected for the AUG, I can still train with the team and do what I would have done if I were selected. So I can either focus on training hard and enjoying the priviledge of training at NTU or I can keep focusing on the last 2 weeks when I will not be able to join the team in their trip to KL. I choose the first option. For all you know, if I die before december, then the tournament itself won't really matter so much would it? Might as well, just live for the moment and be as happy as I can be.
The thing about Korean and Japanese drama... You see a successful woman.. in the height of her career with a handsome fiancee. Everything in her life is moving on track. She is a perfectionist. She has every right to be... since everything is on track.. She doesn't tolerate any sort of imperfections. Nope. Not one. She is always in absolute control... Then one day.. one thing falls out of place... she works hard to try to curb that problem to revert her life back to absolute perfection. And then she discovers that she has cancer and only 3 months left to live... Suddenly, all the things she felt was so important didn't matter anymore.
Why am I telling you this inconsequential story? The thing is... too many of us are like that successful woman in the story... we are on the right track in life... moving on the fast pace... and we start imagining that we are going to live forever... We scheme and plot... plot and plan... to try to secure some form of eternal security and stability...
We forgot to take risks and live life on the edge... Only when we have a deadline set on our lifes.. like (3 months)... that we decide to just break free from all our reservations and do the things we always wanted to do... And to not waste any moment being upset. And it is also because of this misconception of eternal life on earth that we place too high a value on things that do not really matter... For example, you may cry for days for not recieving the job promotion you've been working for for two years... You think your boss, your company and even God has wronged you.... Then, when you imagine that you could have been down with cancer with only 6 months left to live.. all these things fade into oblivion.. you start seeing things in proper perspective... At least you still have your family and friends... At least you are still healthy and young... the job promotion doesn't seem so important anymore...
Therefore, I believe the take home message for the day is to be more process orientated.. You don't always have to be so result orientated... Enjoy the process in which things are being done.. And realise that the enjoyment derived from the process is not dependent on the outcome at all.. You can enjoy training alot and still lose... similarly you can skip training and still win... But at the end of the day... who gains more? Therefore, whenever possible.. choose to enjoy training AND win...
_____________________________________________
The thing with many players these days.. they enter the arena thinking that they just want to gain experience.. They don't believe that they can win.... They don't believe that if they try hard enough.. and if they want it enough.. they can win... Therefore.. they are not even trying... You see them tailing by one point in the last 20 seconds.. and yet.. they refuse to kick... This is a very obvious sign that the mind of the player is not ready for the tournament yet.. The most basic thing is to believe that you can win.. and to give yourself a fair chance of winning by at least trying till the last moment...
Don't give up on yourself... Don't listen to what people say.. You must be determined... You may not be very good now.. but as long as you are willing to train.. you are willing to stand right back up after a KO and continue fighting.. you have a chance of winning... Don't give on yourself... You can still win.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Organ damage
Colourless green ideas sleep furiously.. Heard that in the pshychology lecture.. Found it beautiful.
Something weird's been happening to me in the past two days. It's just like something in my very center core has been switched off. Much like an organ is switched off. And now I have to learn how to live without that organ. I used to steer clear from cold food you see. I told myself that I wanted my knees to recover so I can fight well. Now, when I look at cold food. I am conflicted. I thought to myself.. I have no reason to abstain from these foods anymore. Then I realised how screwed my mind as become. I have associated the need to keep healthy and fit with tkd. Once I am out, and not selected, I feel like I no longer want to keep healthy and fit. My knees can rot away for all I care.
My thinking:
Cold food = Bad for TKD
No TKD = is cold food still bad?
Reality
TKD = Good for health
Cold food = Bad for health
No cold food= Good for health
So there is actually no real link. Though I am not fighting AUG, I should still look after my knees. Afterall, the purpose of TKD is suppose to be to keep fit anyway. No point overlooking that by being too obsessed with setting goals and winning all the time.
So Denise. Persevere. Be good to yourself. Don't give up looking after yourself.
Something weird's been happening to me in the past two days. It's just like something in my very center core has been switched off. Much like an organ is switched off. And now I have to learn how to live without that organ. I used to steer clear from cold food you see. I told myself that I wanted my knees to recover so I can fight well. Now, when I look at cold food. I am conflicted. I thought to myself.. I have no reason to abstain from these foods anymore. Then I realised how screwed my mind as become. I have associated the need to keep healthy and fit with tkd. Once I am out, and not selected, I feel like I no longer want to keep healthy and fit. My knees can rot away for all I care.
My thinking:
Cold food = Bad for TKD
No TKD = is cold food still bad?
Reality
TKD = Good for health
Cold food = Bad for health
No cold food= Good for health
So there is actually no real link. Though I am not fighting AUG, I should still look after my knees. Afterall, the purpose of TKD is suppose to be to keep fit anyway. No point overlooking that by being too obsessed with setting goals and winning all the time.
So Denise. Persevere. Be good to yourself. Don't give up looking after yourself.
Story book life
Life is like a story book. And every day that passes is like a page turned in that story book.
If you do read story books, you will notice how fast things change. One moment, the character has everything, the next moment, he loses everything.. and then.. the next moment.. he found true love.. the next moment.. true love gets cancer...
The point of writing this is to say that no matter what circumstance you are in now, it might not last. Just have to have the courage to keep reading your story. Turn the page. You might be on the last page of your sad chapter and the next chapter is about how u found true love. You never know.
So when the going gets tough, worry not.. because it might not last long. And when good things happen, rejoice, celebrate! Don't waste any moment worrying that it won't last long. Enjoy it while it lasts! Life is all about braving the sad and painful moments, to capture and relish the good moments... So if you are in a good moment right now.. rejoice!! Don't waste time trying to preserve that good moment by politicking your way into worry. Simply lie back and enjoy the breeze. And if in the next moment, God takes everything away, then just hold on tight to your rollercoaster ride and wait for your next happy moment. Life's like this.
Cheers!
If you do read story books, you will notice how fast things change. One moment, the character has everything, the next moment, he loses everything.. and then.. the next moment.. he found true love.. the next moment.. true love gets cancer...
The point of writing this is to say that no matter what circumstance you are in now, it might not last. Just have to have the courage to keep reading your story. Turn the page. You might be on the last page of your sad chapter and the next chapter is about how u found true love. You never know.
So when the going gets tough, worry not.. because it might not last long. And when good things happen, rejoice, celebrate! Don't waste any moment worrying that it won't last long. Enjoy it while it lasts! Life is all about braving the sad and painful moments, to capture and relish the good moments... So if you are in a good moment right now.. rejoice!! Don't waste time trying to preserve that good moment by politicking your way into worry. Simply lie back and enjoy the breeze. And if in the next moment, God takes everything away, then just hold on tight to your rollercoaster ride and wait for your next happy moment. Life's like this.
Cheers!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Denise the golf ball AKA loki
Was walking my Loki. He came home panting. I said, "You see, you are so tired because you keep resisting me. I pull you one way, and you always pull the other way. That's why you are so tired." Wah... all at once I had a revelation.
Some months back, we had a guest pastor. He told us this story:
"I was watching Tiger Woods on sports TV. He was about to putt a ball. He surveyed the ground for a long while before he picked up a grass and held it up against the wind to test the wind direction. Then he went back to survey the ground. And back to test the wind direction. I was just about to dose off when Tiger woods finally putt the ball. AND it was in the WRONG direction!!! I was amazed. The ball was rolling the other way, away from the hole! Then all of the sudden, the ball started to turn and head back in the right direction before it finally dropped into the hole. I realised that Tiger woods was surveying the terrane and he found that it was a little uphill, so he had to putt the ball in the opposite direction. But we as viewers could not see the uphill slope. so, we assumed that he was just wasting his time. I heard God telling me, "Son, do you think I can putt better than Tiger woods?" This was when I realised that sometimes in life, when you seem to be going the wrong direction, and far away from your goals, God is actually leading closer to his ultimate goal for you. You are just like that golf ball."
Perhaps it is the same revelation that I got from walking my dog. I wanted to walk him one round around the estate before we went home. I allowed him to stop at some of his stops but I always diverted him in the right direction. Nevertheless, he kept resisting and resisting. The more he resisted the more i pulled him, the more tired the poor boy became.
Maybe in life, it is important to just go with God's plan for us. And not always resist what's coming in our way. Think I am like that golf ball or Loki. Spent too much energy resisting. Maybe its time to just let go and go with the flow of God.
Some months back, we had a guest pastor. He told us this story:
"I was watching Tiger Woods on sports TV. He was about to putt a ball. He surveyed the ground for a long while before he picked up a grass and held it up against the wind to test the wind direction. Then he went back to survey the ground. And back to test the wind direction. I was just about to dose off when Tiger woods finally putt the ball. AND it was in the WRONG direction!!! I was amazed. The ball was rolling the other way, away from the hole! Then all of the sudden, the ball started to turn and head back in the right direction before it finally dropped into the hole. I realised that Tiger woods was surveying the terrane and he found that it was a little uphill, so he had to putt the ball in the opposite direction. But we as viewers could not see the uphill slope. so, we assumed that he was just wasting his time. I heard God telling me, "Son, do you think I can putt better than Tiger woods?" This was when I realised that sometimes in life, when you seem to be going the wrong direction, and far away from your goals, God is actually leading closer to his ultimate goal for you. You are just like that golf ball."
Perhaps it is the same revelation that I got from walking my dog. I wanted to walk him one round around the estate before we went home. I allowed him to stop at some of his stops but I always diverted him in the right direction. Nevertheless, he kept resisting and resisting. The more he resisted the more i pulled him, the more tired the poor boy became.
Maybe in life, it is important to just go with God's plan for us. And not always resist what's coming in our way. Think I am like that golf ball or Loki. Spent too much energy resisting. Maybe its time to just let go and go with the flow of God.
God, please read this post.
I remembered when I first joined sportsteam. I only knew two persons in the club. Xiting and Stella. And I joined the club because of Stella.
I remember that it was about slightly more than a year ago when I watched Stella fight for the very time... at the PA-STF tournament. It was so incredible, mind blowing. I finally saw a female fighter who was so incredible. I wanted to get to know her better and I felt that any club that is able to train someone like Stella, is definitely a good club.
So when I first joined the club, I really wanted to become her friend. But even then I thought it was too much of an indulgence. Afterall, I am a reject. Someone that nobody wants. So I thought to myself, I don't mind becoming a fan. =)
As it turns out, I can't believe it but we are friends now. Perhaps God really isn't so mean to me afterall. He gave me Stella, Pong and Niki Mam. I know they are not perfect, but they have been unfairly nice to me. Just as many people have been unfairly mean to me, there are these people out there who are just nice to me for no good reason. It's not like I am pretty, or I fight very well, or I have a mind-blowing personality. I am just a reject from another club. But yet they are still nice to me anyway. Maybe that's the miracle I was waiting for all this time.
Met a few old secondary school friends lately. They asked me if I had a boyfriend. I said no. Inside me, and this is 100% honest, I do not want to have any boyfriends.. in fact no close guy friends either. Cannot handle it. Would rather be surrounded by my group of girl friends. People who I can talk to about anything under the sun, crack silly jokes with and make fun of. Keep it clean. No need to complicate my life by putting this time bomb in the center of it. Totally unnecessary.
Anyways, today is a new day. Feel a little mentally tired and traumatised from what happened yesterday. Couldn't sleep well last night. Choppy bouts of sleep. Heart was aching too much. Think I should take a nap before I head for driving class later. Need to distract myself. Got to do things, apart from taekwondo, to keep my engine going. Maybe the taekwondo compartment of my brain is being overworked now. Better to just rest it and switch to the driving and studying part of my brain.
___________________________________
Dear LORD, heavenly father,
This life is too hard for me.
I can't live it by myself anymore.
You can have it.
Live this life for me.
Do what you want with it,
I am sure you have a greater purpose for it.
Fill up the emptiness in my heart.
Dear lord, if its possible,
please heal my heart of all its wounds,
so that I can love others completely and innocently as before,
and not always harbour suspicion and fear.
Help me trust your creation.
Help me trust you.
Lastly, please shower your grace and love unto me.
And open my heart to recieve it.
I know my brain has no faith now,
but my heart has faith.
I commit everything into your hands Dear LORD.
Please keep Gwen safe and sound,
and be with Jinhui at all times.
All this I pray in Jesus name,
Amen.
I remember that it was about slightly more than a year ago when I watched Stella fight for the very time... at the PA-STF tournament. It was so incredible, mind blowing. I finally saw a female fighter who was so incredible. I wanted to get to know her better and I felt that any club that is able to train someone like Stella, is definitely a good club.
So when I first joined the club, I really wanted to become her friend. But even then I thought it was too much of an indulgence. Afterall, I am a reject. Someone that nobody wants. So I thought to myself, I don't mind becoming a fan. =)
As it turns out, I can't believe it but we are friends now. Perhaps God really isn't so mean to me afterall. He gave me Stella, Pong and Niki Mam. I know they are not perfect, but they have been unfairly nice to me. Just as many people have been unfairly mean to me, there are these people out there who are just nice to me for no good reason. It's not like I am pretty, or I fight very well, or I have a mind-blowing personality. I am just a reject from another club. But yet they are still nice to me anyway. Maybe that's the miracle I was waiting for all this time.
Met a few old secondary school friends lately. They asked me if I had a boyfriend. I said no. Inside me, and this is 100% honest, I do not want to have any boyfriends.. in fact no close guy friends either. Cannot handle it. Would rather be surrounded by my group of girl friends. People who I can talk to about anything under the sun, crack silly jokes with and make fun of. Keep it clean. No need to complicate my life by putting this time bomb in the center of it. Totally unnecessary.
Anyways, today is a new day. Feel a little mentally tired and traumatised from what happened yesterday. Couldn't sleep well last night. Choppy bouts of sleep. Heart was aching too much. Think I should take a nap before I head for driving class later. Need to distract myself. Got to do things, apart from taekwondo, to keep my engine going. Maybe the taekwondo compartment of my brain is being overworked now. Better to just rest it and switch to the driving and studying part of my brain.
___________________________________
Dear LORD, heavenly father,
This life is too hard for me.
I can't live it by myself anymore.
You can have it.
Live this life for me.
Do what you want with it,
I am sure you have a greater purpose for it.
Fill up the emptiness in my heart.
Dear lord, if its possible,
please heal my heart of all its wounds,
so that I can love others completely and innocently as before,
and not always harbour suspicion and fear.
Help me trust your creation.
Help me trust you.
Lastly, please shower your grace and love unto me.
And open my heart to recieve it.
I know my brain has no faith now,
but my heart has faith.
I commit everything into your hands Dear LORD.
Please keep Gwen safe and sound,
and be with Jinhui at all times.
All this I pray in Jesus name,
Amen.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
library
Wrote the following post in the library, as I was studying. Was distracted.
_____________________________________________________
There are sometimes, when I sit down in the library highlighting my readings that memories of that incident pop up in my head. Looking at the sheets of paper with my smses, I tried to picture my seniors and instructors using a yellow highlighter (just like the one I was holding on to a moment ago) and writing notes beside my shameless confessions to be used later to humiliate and eradicate me. It is at these moments that I feel the urge to take a pen knife and slit my wrist there and then, in the safety of my NUS library. (this is precisely why I keep no sharp objects near me)
I guess what I experienced was not merely the breaking of my heart but more so the crushing of everything that gve me the strength to live. It is the sudden realisation that humans can be so easily manipulated, so cruel and so brutal to even their friends and students, people they once laughed and cried with.
Coming into terms with this fact is the first stage of wisdom. I look around me to attempt to search for further evience to back up my belief that this life is no longer worth living. Fortunately, as I look around me, at the advancements in technology, at the smiles of those around me, I see this isn't so. Men is not all evil, as capable as they are in destroying things, they have created so many things. And it is true that every man is borned with an innate desire to do good. Very sadly, it also this desperate desire to do good that can be so easily twisted into a desperate need to destroy one's percieved evil. I have never done any thing terribly wrong in my life, and yet with a few finely manipulated words, I have become the percieved evil.
I guess this was how Jesus must jave felt as he was being whipped abd crucified by the ones he wished to save. As Godly as he was, Jesus was also human. He must have felt the exact same pain that I am feeling now. He must have been in great conflict. Perhaps, the more the humans abused him, the more he saw his death as necessary. For as he witnessed the full glory of madness in man, he started to fully identify with their ned for a savior and see why his death was necessary to save this hopelessly helpless race.
Many have asked to recall and narrate my experience. But I have refrained from doing so plainly because of the following two reasons:
Number 1: I believe that I really really respected him. And I believe that once you declare that you respect someone, it comes with certain responsibilitites, You must never hurt that person. You must never do anything to spoil his reputation. No matter what he does to you, you must always be on his side. You know, it is alright to be upset and to feel disgusted by everyone else, but you must always respect and love yourself. By not retaliating, I allow myslef to continue to love and respect myself. I want to survive. And I intend to do so in a dignified way.
Number 2: There is a high chance that people might not believe me. I am not Miss popular. Instead of sympathising with me, they might turn around and accuse me. Worse still they might pretend to sympathise with me, then turn around and spread a different variation of the story with everyone else, laughing behind my back. I know this might seem small to you, because you are not living my life, but for me (imagine you are me), this additional sense of betrayal and hopelessness will totally destroy me. So, to self-protect, I have to remain silent.
Lately, I have become increasingly aware of the presence of 'fried tofu' presonalities around me. Soft on the inside an hard on the outside. And I fully understand that I am not alone in this. Many people over the past thousands of years, have experienced similar and alot worse circumstances. History just keeps repeating itself. And Because of my increased sensitivity and compassion to those around me, recollections of my horrible experience usually leads to an upsurge of injustice followed by a long period of compassion and love.
I see myself leading a fulfilled and meaningful life. Not self-centered, but centered around others. I need to become the voice to speak for those who can't speak for themselves. To become the one who stands up and say "Stop it! This is too much! You shoudl not be doing this. Give him some respect. He is still human, just like you. Why do you treat a fellow human kind so poorly?"
Sort of sounds like super hero eh? But I don't endeavor to become a super hero. I just want to be a tool of God. To work God's will.
_____________________________________________________
There are sometimes, when I sit down in the library highlighting my readings that memories of that incident pop up in my head. Looking at the sheets of paper with my smses, I tried to picture my seniors and instructors using a yellow highlighter (just like the one I was holding on to a moment ago) and writing notes beside my shameless confessions to be used later to humiliate and eradicate me. It is at these moments that I feel the urge to take a pen knife and slit my wrist there and then, in the safety of my NUS library. (this is precisely why I keep no sharp objects near me)
I guess what I experienced was not merely the breaking of my heart but more so the crushing of everything that gve me the strength to live. It is the sudden realisation that humans can be so easily manipulated, so cruel and so brutal to even their friends and students, people they once laughed and cried with.
Coming into terms with this fact is the first stage of wisdom. I look around me to attempt to search for further evience to back up my belief that this life is no longer worth living. Fortunately, as I look around me, at the advancements in technology, at the smiles of those around me, I see this isn't so. Men is not all evil, as capable as they are in destroying things, they have created so many things. And it is true that every man is borned with an innate desire to do good. Very sadly, it also this desperate desire to do good that can be so easily twisted into a desperate need to destroy one's percieved evil. I have never done any thing terribly wrong in my life, and yet with a few finely manipulated words, I have become the percieved evil.
I guess this was how Jesus must jave felt as he was being whipped abd crucified by the ones he wished to save. As Godly as he was, Jesus was also human. He must have felt the exact same pain that I am feeling now. He must have been in great conflict. Perhaps, the more the humans abused him, the more he saw his death as necessary. For as he witnessed the full glory of madness in man, he started to fully identify with their ned for a savior and see why his death was necessary to save this hopelessly helpless race.
Many have asked to recall and narrate my experience. But I have refrained from doing so plainly because of the following two reasons:
Number 1: I believe that I really really respected him. And I believe that once you declare that you respect someone, it comes with certain responsibilitites, You must never hurt that person. You must never do anything to spoil his reputation. No matter what he does to you, you must always be on his side. You know, it is alright to be upset and to feel disgusted by everyone else, but you must always respect and love yourself. By not retaliating, I allow myslef to continue to love and respect myself. I want to survive. And I intend to do so in a dignified way.
Number 2: There is a high chance that people might not believe me. I am not Miss popular. Instead of sympathising with me, they might turn around and accuse me. Worse still they might pretend to sympathise with me, then turn around and spread a different variation of the story with everyone else, laughing behind my back. I know this might seem small to you, because you are not living my life, but for me (imagine you are me), this additional sense of betrayal and hopelessness will totally destroy me. So, to self-protect, I have to remain silent.
Lately, I have become increasingly aware of the presence of 'fried tofu' presonalities around me. Soft on the inside an hard on the outside. And I fully understand that I am not alone in this. Many people over the past thousands of years, have experienced similar and alot worse circumstances. History just keeps repeating itself. And Because of my increased sensitivity and compassion to those around me, recollections of my horrible experience usually leads to an upsurge of injustice followed by a long period of compassion and love.
I see myself leading a fulfilled and meaningful life. Not self-centered, but centered around others. I need to become the voice to speak for those who can't speak for themselves. To become the one who stands up and say "Stop it! This is too much! You shoudl not be doing this. Give him some respect. He is still human, just like you. Why do you treat a fellow human kind so poorly?"
Sort of sounds like super hero eh? But I don't endeavor to become a super hero. I just want to be a tool of God. To work God's will.
One reason why I keep a blog is to keep a record of the my thoughts for each day. I find it extremely necessary especially on days when I am highly depressed.
If I had to dissect myself, I would say that I am 90% supremely happy and 10% of the time, utterly depressed. I have mood swings. Very severe ones. Most of the time, I am supremely happy (when I focus on my blessings), but sometimes, when my past crawls back up to haunt me, I slip into this deep deep depression. Some of the times, I will sink so deep that I end up developing suicidal tendencies. Hence the need for a blog. Was hoping to leave a collection of thoughts for my parents. If I should die, at least they would know what I was thinking in the last few months of my life.
Of course, my blog has many other purposes too. I am narcissitic. I am. No doubt about it. And somehow, I feel this compulsion to share my revelations with as many people as I can. But deep down inside, I know that the truth is that no one is really interested. And that the interested people will probably take the effort to locate and read this blog. So perhaps, having a blog is the best option. It compels people to read this monologue. It is not by any means an exchange of opinion and in no way, will I ever know who my readers are and whether my blog as any readers at all. This way, I will be better able to delude myself into thinking that people actually care about me.
There is an ongoing AUG selection at NTU. I really want to go. I really want to fight. And I know that if I get the chance, I will fight till my very last breath. I will train hard and be my very best. But at the very same time, I know how dangerous it is, to have such strong desires for something. It transforms you. Makes you into a one-minded determined beast with no consideration for anyone else. Hence, I have decided to leave this decision to God. I go for the selection with no absolute promise that I might enter the competition. BUT, I still go. Because I am giving God a chance to work. Giving myself a chance to fulfil my dreams. I know that ultimately it will not be by my self-efforts that I achieve my dreams, but by God's grace. But for what its worth, with God on my side, even the training is fun and enjoyable. Even if I do not get selected, at least I had the chance to train, to make new friends and to improve. God has a purpose for everything. There is no such thing as a coincidence. I must have a good opinion of God and believe that everything will work out for the best in due time.
If I had to dissect myself, I would say that I am 90% supremely happy and 10% of the time, utterly depressed. I have mood swings. Very severe ones. Most of the time, I am supremely happy (when I focus on my blessings), but sometimes, when my past crawls back up to haunt me, I slip into this deep deep depression. Some of the times, I will sink so deep that I end up developing suicidal tendencies. Hence the need for a blog. Was hoping to leave a collection of thoughts for my parents. If I should die, at least they would know what I was thinking in the last few months of my life.
Of course, my blog has many other purposes too. I am narcissitic. I am. No doubt about it. And somehow, I feel this compulsion to share my revelations with as many people as I can. But deep down inside, I know that the truth is that no one is really interested. And that the interested people will probably take the effort to locate and read this blog. So perhaps, having a blog is the best option. It compels people to read this monologue. It is not by any means an exchange of opinion and in no way, will I ever know who my readers are and whether my blog as any readers at all. This way, I will be better able to delude myself into thinking that people actually care about me.
There is an ongoing AUG selection at NTU. I really want to go. I really want to fight. And I know that if I get the chance, I will fight till my very last breath. I will train hard and be my very best. But at the very same time, I know how dangerous it is, to have such strong desires for something. It transforms you. Makes you into a one-minded determined beast with no consideration for anyone else. Hence, I have decided to leave this decision to God. I go for the selection with no absolute promise that I might enter the competition. BUT, I still go. Because I am giving God a chance to work. Giving myself a chance to fulfil my dreams. I know that ultimately it will not be by my self-efforts that I achieve my dreams, but by God's grace. But for what its worth, with God on my side, even the training is fun and enjoyable. Even if I do not get selected, at least I had the chance to train, to make new friends and to improve. God has a purpose for everything. There is no such thing as a coincidence. I must have a good opinion of God and believe that everything will work out for the best in due time.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
The power of the mind
Sometimes all you need is for someone to believe in you.
This is true for everyone. We all need someone to see the good in us. It's like a magnifying glass. However small our strenghts are, as long we have that magnifying glass, we will be able to magnify our strenghts. We all need people who can see the good in us and praise us to remind us of our capabilities and strenghts. It is essential. I realise that all this while, I have been getting mean comments from people saying that I can't fight, I am slow, I am lousy, and eventually I lost all my confidence and really couldn't fight.
_________________________________________________
I think what went wrong with me and **** was that I stopped believeing in her. Instead on focusing on her strengths, I started seeing only her flaws. And I magnified it. Like a magnifying glass, I drew out all her weaknesses and condemned her. She didn't change. She was always like that. It was my eyes that changed. My inability to love her and to magnify her strengths. It was a self fulfilling prophesy. I stopped believeing in the good of her. Instead, I was so sure that she was a hopeless case. And eventually, she lived up to my expectations.
**** is a very kind person. She hates to be mean. She is kind, patient and hardworking. The only flaw she has is that she is too perfect. She is a perfectionist. And in her quest to attain perfection, she gave birth to pride. Pride keeps her in control. She needs to feel like she is in constant control in order to feel stable. It is pride that cause her to do mean things. She knows it. And it is these mean things that hurt her conscience and haunt her.
What she doesn't know is that it is not necessary to win all the time. You can lose. In fact, losing is ok. Being bullied and victimised from time to time only humbles us and shows us how helpless we really are. We got to let go of our illusion of power. My wish for her, is for her to let go of her illusion of power and simply allow for the will of God to be manifested. If God blesses her with a difficult student, a difficult situation, I wish she would embrace it as a challenge to train her up, instead of finding means and ways to eradicate the problem, that might learn how powerful she really is. That she is in fact, capable of turning trash into treasure. She can turn the difficult situation around.
As teachers and seniors, we should always learn to cast aside our own interests. God has given us the power to touch and change lives. If used correctly, we can positively impact lives forever. Similarly, if used wrongly, we can ruin lives. Once you are in this position of authority, you must learn to think and act as a person of authority. You cannot constantly feel victimised, unappreciated and threatened by your students. Instead, in all things, deal with it from a position of seniority, like a father or mother to a child. They might behave badly or display attitude problems but do not views these as potential threats to your own well-being. Instead view them as diseases. The child only has a disease and all he needs is the right medicine, that you can dispense, to cure him. Do not be threatened by the child, instead, slowly nurse him into health.
Why do people hurt others? Most of the time, they only do so to protect themselves and those they love. This occurs when they feel threatened, hurt and victimised. Therefore, in order to prevent yourself from hurting others, you have to train your mind to STOP a negative thought from entering it. Do not be so easily threatened and victimised. Instead, rise above your situation, be steady and calm. Know that God is on your side, and you are safe by his works not yours. So you do not have to keep struggling to defend yourself. It's by God's grace.
Anyway, I cannot find it in my heart to hate them. They are fantastic people. It is just that none of us are perfect. Even they have flaws. The important thing is that they know that I have already forgiven them for everything they have done to me and that I do not condemn them. I was never ever going to hurt them, and I do not intend to do so in the future either. They do not have to see me as a threat. I love and care for people, that's what I do best. I do not enjoy or like hurting people at all.
I am sorry that I lost the ability to see the good in them. And that makes me ineligible to be near them. So it is when I finally break feel from this mental imprisonment that I will return to them and ask for genuine forgiveness. God will set a date and time. I will wait for his call. Afterall, life is like a rollercoaster, you can't control where it takes you, you can just make a conscious decision to hang on tight and stay on the ride.
This is true for everyone. We all need someone to see the good in us. It's like a magnifying glass. However small our strenghts are, as long we have that magnifying glass, we will be able to magnify our strenghts. We all need people who can see the good in us and praise us to remind us of our capabilities and strenghts. It is essential. I realise that all this while, I have been getting mean comments from people saying that I can't fight, I am slow, I am lousy, and eventually I lost all my confidence and really couldn't fight.
_________________________________________________
I think what went wrong with me and **** was that I stopped believeing in her. Instead on focusing on her strengths, I started seeing only her flaws. And I magnified it. Like a magnifying glass, I drew out all her weaknesses and condemned her. She didn't change. She was always like that. It was my eyes that changed. My inability to love her and to magnify her strengths. It was a self fulfilling prophesy. I stopped believeing in the good of her. Instead, I was so sure that she was a hopeless case. And eventually, she lived up to my expectations.
**** is a very kind person. She hates to be mean. She is kind, patient and hardworking. The only flaw she has is that she is too perfect. She is a perfectionist. And in her quest to attain perfection, she gave birth to pride. Pride keeps her in control. She needs to feel like she is in constant control in order to feel stable. It is pride that cause her to do mean things. She knows it. And it is these mean things that hurt her conscience and haunt her.
What she doesn't know is that it is not necessary to win all the time. You can lose. In fact, losing is ok. Being bullied and victimised from time to time only humbles us and shows us how helpless we really are. We got to let go of our illusion of power. My wish for her, is for her to let go of her illusion of power and simply allow for the will of God to be manifested. If God blesses her with a difficult student, a difficult situation, I wish she would embrace it as a challenge to train her up, instead of finding means and ways to eradicate the problem, that might learn how powerful she really is. That she is in fact, capable of turning trash into treasure. She can turn the difficult situation around.
As teachers and seniors, we should always learn to cast aside our own interests. God has given us the power to touch and change lives. If used correctly, we can positively impact lives forever. Similarly, if used wrongly, we can ruin lives. Once you are in this position of authority, you must learn to think and act as a person of authority. You cannot constantly feel victimised, unappreciated and threatened by your students. Instead, in all things, deal with it from a position of seniority, like a father or mother to a child. They might behave badly or display attitude problems but do not views these as potential threats to your own well-being. Instead view them as diseases. The child only has a disease and all he needs is the right medicine, that you can dispense, to cure him. Do not be threatened by the child, instead, slowly nurse him into health.
Why do people hurt others? Most of the time, they only do so to protect themselves and those they love. This occurs when they feel threatened, hurt and victimised. Therefore, in order to prevent yourself from hurting others, you have to train your mind to STOP a negative thought from entering it. Do not be so easily threatened and victimised. Instead, rise above your situation, be steady and calm. Know that God is on your side, and you are safe by his works not yours. So you do not have to keep struggling to defend yourself. It's by God's grace.
Anyway, I cannot find it in my heart to hate them. They are fantastic people. It is just that none of us are perfect. Even they have flaws. The important thing is that they know that I have already forgiven them for everything they have done to me and that I do not condemn them. I was never ever going to hurt them, and I do not intend to do so in the future either. They do not have to see me as a threat. I love and care for people, that's what I do best. I do not enjoy or like hurting people at all.
I am sorry that I lost the ability to see the good in them. And that makes me ineligible to be near them. So it is when I finally break feel from this mental imprisonment that I will return to them and ask for genuine forgiveness. God will set a date and time. I will wait for his call. Afterall, life is like a rollercoaster, you can't control where it takes you, you can just make a conscious decision to hang on tight and stay on the ride.
10/9/08
Sent my twin off at the airport today. Thought that I would feel relieved. Actually felt quite lonely and lost.
I have always described Gwen to be anything but perfect. She is some resident evil that I am forced to live beside. Someone who is selfish, fake and immature. Someone I only make do with because I have no other choice. I need someone to fill up my loneliness and I used her. But the truth is, when it all comes down to sending her off at the airport. I actually do miss her alot. I do not know why. Is this love? It definitely resembles hate. Perhaps it is really true that love and hate is only divided by a very very thin line. Perhaps both love and hate cannot be measured. The only measurable thing is the amount you care for a person. If you care for the person enough to hate him/her, there is a high chance that behind that hate there is love.
Even in the process of making use of her to fill up my life, I really loved her. I guess humans are not built to survive. They are built to live. To take risks and be loved. There is no such thing as playing on the safe side. Of spending time together inconsequentially, no such thing as emotional detachment. We are just not capable of it. As we spend time with the people around us, as fake as we wish to be, we subconsciously store memories, sweet and bitter, which inadvertently make us attached to the people around us.
_________________________________________________
I wrote the following sometime ago, when I was struggling with the lack of appreciation and a certain level of bullying and ill treatment.
"The only way you can survive in this environment, is to view yourself as an impediment, not an asset, to the institution in which you belong to. This way, you will not only not demand any form of respect and appreciation but rather stretch your capacity to tolerate any kind of abuse and bully."
__________________________________________________
I have always described Gwen to be anything but perfect. She is some resident evil that I am forced to live beside. Someone who is selfish, fake and immature. Someone I only make do with because I have no other choice. I need someone to fill up my loneliness and I used her. But the truth is, when it all comes down to sending her off at the airport. I actually do miss her alot. I do not know why. Is this love? It definitely resembles hate. Perhaps it is really true that love and hate is only divided by a very very thin line. Perhaps both love and hate cannot be measured. The only measurable thing is the amount you care for a person. If you care for the person enough to hate him/her, there is a high chance that behind that hate there is love.
Even in the process of making use of her to fill up my life, I really loved her. I guess humans are not built to survive. They are built to live. To take risks and be loved. There is no such thing as playing on the safe side. Of spending time together inconsequentially, no such thing as emotional detachment. We are just not capable of it. As we spend time with the people around us, as fake as we wish to be, we subconsciously store memories, sweet and bitter, which inadvertently make us attached to the people around us.
_________________________________________________
I wrote the following sometime ago, when I was struggling with the lack of appreciation and a certain level of bullying and ill treatment.
"The only way you can survive in this environment, is to view yourself as an impediment, not an asset, to the institution in which you belong to. This way, you will not only not demand any form of respect and appreciation but rather stretch your capacity to tolerate any kind of abuse and bully."
__________________________________________________
Nature boy
Nature boy (from Moulin rouge soundtrack)
There was a boy.
A very strange enchanted boy.
They said he wandered very far,
very far,
Over land and sea.
A little shy,
and sad of eyes,
but very wise was he.
And then one day,
One magic day,
He passed my way.
And then we spoke of many things,
fools and kings,
This he said to me:
The greatest thing,
you'll ever learn,
Is just to love,
and be loved in return.
There was a boy.
A very strange enchanted boy.
They said he wandered very far,
very far,
Over land and sea.
A little shy,
and sad of eyes,
but very wise was he.
And then one day,
One magic day,
He passed my way.
And then we spoke of many things,
fools and kings,
This he said to me:
The greatest thing,
you'll ever learn,
Is just to love,
and be loved in return.
Monday, September 1, 2008
For just one day
Yesterday something happened that really broke my heart... Seeing Jinhui leave... for China.. for two years... Realise that I am not really good at sending people off.. Always end up crying like a mad woman in the airport... Maybe I'm just too sentimental? Maybe its from all the bottled up frustrations from losing my match... Whatever it is... Jinhui.. I will always miss you and think about you... Please be safe and sound.. and return home even stronger and happier!!! God bless!!!
There's this pain in my heart.. a little like a headache.. Everytime I think about losing that match.. the heart just starts aching uncontrollably.. It was quite terrible yesterday.. Similarly, I got another more physically bruise on my left shin yesterday.. I was all red and raw last night.. but when I woke up today.. it was gone... Looking at it now.. Its turned into a bluest greenish gray... Perhaps I am already recovering.. At least my shin is sort of recovering... Perhaps even my heart will recover.. But I guess its too much to expect my shin and heart to recover in just one day... Maybe recovery is another mysterious process of training... it could be something like the process of cooking porridge.. you need to cook for a long time under a small fire... and stir consistently... cannot subject it to high heat for a short duration of time.. or you end up burning the porridge..
Nonetheless.. it really hurts.. I can't feel the pain of my shin at all.. because my heart hurts too much.. Feel like crying but something in me.. is holding the tears back.. I can cry at the smallest matters.. but somehow.. I can't cry from this... maybe I need a hug... let me go hug Loki..
Ok, after waking loki up from his deep sleep and smothering him like a stuff toy... I still feel pretty hurt... Was thumping my chest like a drum yesterday, realised that I am really skinny.. can really feel my bones in pain when I did that.. that might explain the physical pain...
Maybe what I need now is some humanly support.. but I just sent Jinhui off last night... and I all alone now.. If I could give myself a pat on the head... big hug and kiss on the cheek and say that don't worry.. "no matter what happens, I will love you"... I would do it.. It's just that.. that's not physically possible....
Think about it... when I am an 80 year old lady... wearing diapers.. sitting on a rocking chair watching television... would I feel that today (a precious day of 21 when I am physically fit and healthy)... is a complete waste feeling like a piece of shit? I'ld probably trade everything I have just to come back in time and live today in the best way I can.. I'ld probably go eat all the things I like to eat.. put on my ballet shoes and dance again... run to a taekwondo club and kick some sandbag... run to the kids.. carry them and play with them... listen to their jokes and stories.. tickle them and make them laugh... I'ld probably carry my dog in my arms and dance with him then put him on the ground and have a round of light contact sparring with him... Then I will probably go to sentosa... wear a bikini and laze around the beach... rolling around the sand... I will go home to a warm bath... kiss my dog on his head... and fall asleep feeling like the happiest person on earth..
I think that's what I need to do today.. I need to go out and live life like I am an 80 year old in a 21 year old's body for just ONE day... For just one day i get to be young and healthy... don't waste it...
There's this pain in my heart.. a little like a headache.. Everytime I think about losing that match.. the heart just starts aching uncontrollably.. It was quite terrible yesterday.. Similarly, I got another more physically bruise on my left shin yesterday.. I was all red and raw last night.. but when I woke up today.. it was gone... Looking at it now.. Its turned into a bluest greenish gray... Perhaps I am already recovering.. At least my shin is sort of recovering... Perhaps even my heart will recover.. But I guess its too much to expect my shin and heart to recover in just one day... Maybe recovery is another mysterious process of training... it could be something like the process of cooking porridge.. you need to cook for a long time under a small fire... and stir consistently... cannot subject it to high heat for a short duration of time.. or you end up burning the porridge..
Nonetheless.. it really hurts.. I can't feel the pain of my shin at all.. because my heart hurts too much.. Feel like crying but something in me.. is holding the tears back.. I can cry at the smallest matters.. but somehow.. I can't cry from this... maybe I need a hug... let me go hug Loki..
Ok, after waking loki up from his deep sleep and smothering him like a stuff toy... I still feel pretty hurt... Was thumping my chest like a drum yesterday, realised that I am really skinny.. can really feel my bones in pain when I did that.. that might explain the physical pain...
Maybe what I need now is some humanly support.. but I just sent Jinhui off last night... and I all alone now.. If I could give myself a pat on the head... big hug and kiss on the cheek and say that don't worry.. "no matter what happens, I will love you"... I would do it.. It's just that.. that's not physically possible....
Think about it... when I am an 80 year old lady... wearing diapers.. sitting on a rocking chair watching television... would I feel that today (a precious day of 21 when I am physically fit and healthy)... is a complete waste feeling like a piece of shit? I'ld probably trade everything I have just to come back in time and live today in the best way I can.. I'ld probably go eat all the things I like to eat.. put on my ballet shoes and dance again... run to a taekwondo club and kick some sandbag... run to the kids.. carry them and play with them... listen to their jokes and stories.. tickle them and make them laugh... I'ld probably carry my dog in my arms and dance with him then put him on the ground and have a round of light contact sparring with him... Then I will probably go to sentosa... wear a bikini and laze around the beach... rolling around the sand... I will go home to a warm bath... kiss my dog on his head... and fall asleep feeling like the happiest person on earth..
I think that's what I need to do today.. I need to go out and live life like I am an 80 year old in a 21 year old's body for just ONE day... For just one day i get to be young and healthy... don't waste it...
Private counselling
Why do people fall down? So that they can learn how to pick themselves up. Why do I blog? Because when I feel most alone and vulnerable and depressed, I have no one to talk to. And it is true that when you laugh, you laugh with many.. but when you cry, you cry alone.. Since I am so good at giving other people advise.. I guess its time to take my own advise... Perhaps..this is another monologue with the holy spirit within me...
Why did you travel so far.. brave so many storms... go through so much pain... just to throw it all away? There is a purpose for everything.. the dawn is always darkest before day break (from batman) We all fall sometimes... and we all make mistakes... but we got to learn to forgive outselves and move on... You cannot afford to hang around the same spot whining and moping about a past defeat... You've got to pick yourself up and carry on...
But I am too tired... I am too tired... I am far too tired to pick myself up anymore..
Denise. Listen to me. If you could do it.. why was there a need for Jesus in the first place? Think about it.
Yes.. It's all Jesus and no me.
You are right. And do you notice that you only blog when you are upset? When you desperately need advise... You think its an outlet to vent your frustrations but what you have produced is nothing short of sheer beauty... Your blogs carry wisdom.. And wisdom is not learnt from successes and medals... you get them from experience.. and most of the time painful and difficult experiences...
I feel so helpless and useful.. I feel like I really suck.. I am so afraid that all my friends will leave me once they realise I can't fight well... that I am not as good as they imagined...
Think about it carefully and calmly now. What do you really have.. Do you define something that changes so rapidly as something you truly posess... If a friend flips and leaves you on the lurge when you most need her... If your family member abandons you when you are in dire circumstances.. do you really actually have them in the first place? Were they ever your friend? If they were never yours in the first place, you should not fear losing them. The things that you truly own.. are things that do not change... I can think of only one thing that doesn't change.. God's love for you. That's eternal.. Yes.. It's true that somethings are more or less permanent.. like your parent's love for you.. your dog's love for you... but if placed under comparison with God's love.. even these things fade in comparison.. So for today.. I want you to focus only on one thing.. God's love for Denise Thong. That is the one thing that you will always have. Now and fifty years later.. 500 years later... God's love for you.
But what about those people I truly treasure and love.. My friends in TKD...
Think about it... Why do you love them in the first place? And if you do love them, then you should have confidence in their character. If they are the judgemental, shallow type, they are not only not deserving of your love.. but also dangerous to keep around you as friends.. If they should show discrimination against you and start to distant themselves from you, it will be your blessing and protection.. Remember your blog entry on the self-correcting mechanism? God calls it a PPP (people protection plan).. to protect the ones he love most... to prevent them from being hurt... he made it as such.. do not despise it.. instead.. understand that EVERYTHING happens for a purpose.. even bad things.
Do I fight well?
You do. It's just that.. even your best... from all your self-effort, training, struggling to survive.. is a pale comparison to what God can achieve through you... Your best effort might be an 8/10 on the scale but what God can do through you will totally blow the minds of man... you will reach far beyond the scale of 10. Because God is supernatural.. and you are only natural.. So remember, the next time you fight, REMEMBER that God is on your side.. He is in you.. You are the empty olive shoot created to contain God and work for his purpose... That is what you failed to realise.. You go out there fighting like a human... struggling to stay alive.. you panicked.. Remember.. God is great... yes.. not just great.. he is very very great... He's like the 1000000 point trumph card in a game of 100 points... yes.. maybe there are politics.. maybe there are mean people around.. but all you have to do is stay calm and at all times throw out your trumph card... God's grace and goodness will give you the edge over everything else...
It's strange.. I don't feel lonely and upset anymore.. I feel happy... I feel reminded that setbacks are only a temporary stage before the greater glory... I want to win. I will win.
Denise, that's the problem with you.. you are always out to win.. It's like winning a match, a tournament is a destination for you.. Can I ask you.. what happens after that? Do you cease to become denise.. and perhaps become an even better denise? Do you let your self-worth be defined by winning.. in that case, when you lose, you will lose all self-worth.. It's dangerous and it really breaks my heart to see you so obsessed with winning.. For me, its a clear indication that I am not giving you enough now.. and that you are not satisfied... and that for some queer reason.. God's love itself is insufficient for you to feed on...
I know.. I know.. But I can't help it.. I seem to always long to win.. I like the fame and glory.. i like to hear the crowd cheer for me.. At the same time.. I feel pressurised.. and I feel like I am in pain.. forced to change into a violent merciless creature...
Denise.. Don't look at anyone else when you define taekwondo... it's just like when a husband defines his wife (his object of adoration).. he looks through only his own eyes.. and sees the greatest beauty within her.. it is true that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and that no other man on earth will ever see her as beautiful as her husband does... but does that make him delusional? No. It only makes him eligible and deserving to be the husband of that woman.. Because only he knows the goodness and true treasures within her.. Similarly, don't other people define taekwondo for you... don't look at the violent, ugly, injuring matches and get influenced.. Look at the good fights.. look at Lanetar, Jason, Sir... look how graceful, elegant and beautiful sparring can actually be.. To score a point without injuring others.. preserving dignity and courage and steadiness and mental stability at all times... that is the beauty that you can see in taekwondo.. Do not let it slip away... and do not think that you are delusional.. because you are not.. you are just eligible to continue loving and pursuing taekwondo.. because you see the true beauty and character of this sport...
What about that point on winning? Is it bad to want to win?
Being determined is essential to win any match.. even the matches of life. But always remember that even if you lose.. you don't truly lose anything.. for success and victories are metted out by God.. and God who loves so so so much.. only wants to bless you with good successes.. some successes.. blow you out of proportion and lead you closer and closer to self-destructive self effort.. think about it.. now that you have nothing.. you have nothing to lose.. you are more able to put your mind together and train for the upcoming tournament.. but even then.. count not on your training but God's grace to achieve the Godly... Always remember.. that if it is by your own efforts.. you can only achieve the humanly.. but with God's grace.. you will be Godly...
Hahahahahahahaha... feeling a sudden burst of excitement and happiness.. I can finally genuinely rejoice the success of sports team.. We are the number 1 club in singapore!!! First time!! My goodness.. Thanks God!! It is ironic how just talking to you can change my mindset.. Somehow I feel rejuvenated.. washed out but a new sense of expectation of good... you know what faith is? It is the confident expectation of good that is derived by having a good opinion of God and knowing that he only wants good things to happen to you..
I have another secret for you.. That will blow your mind.. Whether or not, you are aware of my presence.. I have always been in you.. and will always be with you... I will grow with you.. you might not see me, but others will see me through you.. just concentrate on breathing... I will take care of the rest....
_________________________________________________
Sometimes I feel that I am really rather schizophrenic.. to produce blog entries like this.. Maybe I am just lonely and want to be a good friend to myself? Maybe there is really a holy spirit within me... Maybe I am just conflicted because my personality is so extreme.. I am both childish and mature... both strong and weak... I guess this is the beauty of being a human being... living in the gray..
Why did you travel so far.. brave so many storms... go through so much pain... just to throw it all away? There is a purpose for everything.. the dawn is always darkest before day break (from batman) We all fall sometimes... and we all make mistakes... but we got to learn to forgive outselves and move on... You cannot afford to hang around the same spot whining and moping about a past defeat... You've got to pick yourself up and carry on...
But I am too tired... I am too tired... I am far too tired to pick myself up anymore..
Denise. Listen to me. If you could do it.. why was there a need for Jesus in the first place? Think about it.
Yes.. It's all Jesus and no me.
You are right. And do you notice that you only blog when you are upset? When you desperately need advise... You think its an outlet to vent your frustrations but what you have produced is nothing short of sheer beauty... Your blogs carry wisdom.. And wisdom is not learnt from successes and medals... you get them from experience.. and most of the time painful and difficult experiences...
I feel so helpless and useful.. I feel like I really suck.. I am so afraid that all my friends will leave me once they realise I can't fight well... that I am not as good as they imagined...
Think about it carefully and calmly now. What do you really have.. Do you define something that changes so rapidly as something you truly posess... If a friend flips and leaves you on the lurge when you most need her... If your family member abandons you when you are in dire circumstances.. do you really actually have them in the first place? Were they ever your friend? If they were never yours in the first place, you should not fear losing them. The things that you truly own.. are things that do not change... I can think of only one thing that doesn't change.. God's love for you. That's eternal.. Yes.. It's true that somethings are more or less permanent.. like your parent's love for you.. your dog's love for you... but if placed under comparison with God's love.. even these things fade in comparison.. So for today.. I want you to focus only on one thing.. God's love for Denise Thong. That is the one thing that you will always have. Now and fifty years later.. 500 years later... God's love for you.
But what about those people I truly treasure and love.. My friends in TKD...
Think about it... Why do you love them in the first place? And if you do love them, then you should have confidence in their character. If they are the judgemental, shallow type, they are not only not deserving of your love.. but also dangerous to keep around you as friends.. If they should show discrimination against you and start to distant themselves from you, it will be your blessing and protection.. Remember your blog entry on the self-correcting mechanism? God calls it a PPP (people protection plan).. to protect the ones he love most... to prevent them from being hurt... he made it as such.. do not despise it.. instead.. understand that EVERYTHING happens for a purpose.. even bad things.
Do I fight well?
You do. It's just that.. even your best... from all your self-effort, training, struggling to survive.. is a pale comparison to what God can achieve through you... Your best effort might be an 8/10 on the scale but what God can do through you will totally blow the minds of man... you will reach far beyond the scale of 10. Because God is supernatural.. and you are only natural.. So remember, the next time you fight, REMEMBER that God is on your side.. He is in you.. You are the empty olive shoot created to contain God and work for his purpose... That is what you failed to realise.. You go out there fighting like a human... struggling to stay alive.. you panicked.. Remember.. God is great... yes.. not just great.. he is very very great... He's like the 1000000 point trumph card in a game of 100 points... yes.. maybe there are politics.. maybe there are mean people around.. but all you have to do is stay calm and at all times throw out your trumph card... God's grace and goodness will give you the edge over everything else...
It's strange.. I don't feel lonely and upset anymore.. I feel happy... I feel reminded that setbacks are only a temporary stage before the greater glory... I want to win. I will win.
Denise, that's the problem with you.. you are always out to win.. It's like winning a match, a tournament is a destination for you.. Can I ask you.. what happens after that? Do you cease to become denise.. and perhaps become an even better denise? Do you let your self-worth be defined by winning.. in that case, when you lose, you will lose all self-worth.. It's dangerous and it really breaks my heart to see you so obsessed with winning.. For me, its a clear indication that I am not giving you enough now.. and that you are not satisfied... and that for some queer reason.. God's love itself is insufficient for you to feed on...
I know.. I know.. But I can't help it.. I seem to always long to win.. I like the fame and glory.. i like to hear the crowd cheer for me.. At the same time.. I feel pressurised.. and I feel like I am in pain.. forced to change into a violent merciless creature...
Denise.. Don't look at anyone else when you define taekwondo... it's just like when a husband defines his wife (his object of adoration).. he looks through only his own eyes.. and sees the greatest beauty within her.. it is true that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and that no other man on earth will ever see her as beautiful as her husband does... but does that make him delusional? No. It only makes him eligible and deserving to be the husband of that woman.. Because only he knows the goodness and true treasures within her.. Similarly, don't other people define taekwondo for you... don't look at the violent, ugly, injuring matches and get influenced.. Look at the good fights.. look at Lanetar, Jason, Sir... look how graceful, elegant and beautiful sparring can actually be.. To score a point without injuring others.. preserving dignity and courage and steadiness and mental stability at all times... that is the beauty that you can see in taekwondo.. Do not let it slip away... and do not think that you are delusional.. because you are not.. you are just eligible to continue loving and pursuing taekwondo.. because you see the true beauty and character of this sport...
What about that point on winning? Is it bad to want to win?
Being determined is essential to win any match.. even the matches of life. But always remember that even if you lose.. you don't truly lose anything.. for success and victories are metted out by God.. and God who loves so so so much.. only wants to bless you with good successes.. some successes.. blow you out of proportion and lead you closer and closer to self-destructive self effort.. think about it.. now that you have nothing.. you have nothing to lose.. you are more able to put your mind together and train for the upcoming tournament.. but even then.. count not on your training but God's grace to achieve the Godly... Always remember.. that if it is by your own efforts.. you can only achieve the humanly.. but with God's grace.. you will be Godly...
Hahahahahahahaha... feeling a sudden burst of excitement and happiness.. I can finally genuinely rejoice the success of sports team.. We are the number 1 club in singapore!!! First time!! My goodness.. Thanks God!! It is ironic how just talking to you can change my mindset.. Somehow I feel rejuvenated.. washed out but a new sense of expectation of good... you know what faith is? It is the confident expectation of good that is derived by having a good opinion of God and knowing that he only wants good things to happen to you..
I have another secret for you.. That will blow your mind.. Whether or not, you are aware of my presence.. I have always been in you.. and will always be with you... I will grow with you.. you might not see me, but others will see me through you.. just concentrate on breathing... I will take care of the rest....
_________________________________________________
Sometimes I feel that I am really rather schizophrenic.. to produce blog entries like this.. Maybe I am just lonely and want to be a good friend to myself? Maybe there is really a holy spirit within me... Maybe I am just conflicted because my personality is so extreme.. I am both childish and mature... both strong and weak... I guess this is the beauty of being a human being... living in the gray..
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