Childhood Denise

Was packing up my room... Uncovered a few photo albums from my primary school years... Realised that I was extremely skinny and small when I was in primary school.. And I had messy uneven teeth... My hair style is still pretty much the same... Still have the same smile.. Though I try my best to repress it nowadays.. Modify it into a more lady-like version...

Then a question popped into my head.. What if the 10 year old denise met the 22 year old denise of today? Would she be happy that she has grown into me? Or would she be embarrassed?

I guess the 10 year old denise would be pretty surprised by the 22 year old denise is... The 10 year old denise is a very shy and quiet girl.. really skinny and small.. not really confident.. crooked teeth.. not very popular.. always struggling to gain the favour of a girl in class.. always being bullied.. always worried that she won't be great at all.. always doubting if she would even ever enter university... always worried if she will grow tall and strong...

Look at how far I've come!!! =) It's really a stark contrast... I guess the 10 year old denise would be quite surprised by what she saw... I have grown to be alot taller.. alot bigger.. alot stronger... more out-spoken.. more confident than I had ever imagined myself to be... The 10 year old denise would probably be at awe with the 22 year old denise.. She might be a little upset that dense haven't grown to be as pretty as Fann Wong.. But I guess she would be blown away by the strength, enthusiasm and confidence...

I am so happy that I made it through the last 12 years of my life... It wasn't exactly easy.. But the hardship was necessary... I can only vaguely remember how it was like being 10 years old... I remember having lots of spare time to look at all the posessions I had.. I scrutinised them to the very details because I was so amazed and mesmerised by the concept of owning things... I took great pride in every toy or bag I owned and took time to appreciate their finest details.. I didn't own many things.. but I loved them so much more than the many things I own now...

As a child, I used to loath piano lessons.. I liked ballet lessons.. though I wasn't particularly good at ballet.. I enjoyed wearing the pink thights after ballet and having other little girls admire me... In the 5 years that I stopped ballet.. I remember feeling jealous whenever I saw girls in buns and pink thights walking by...

I remember being hurt by mean little comments from my classmates... and not being confident enough to know that they are inconsequential and childish... I remember crying alot.. in public and private...

I remember the years that I had serious hyperthyriodism... when my calves would cramp up in the middle of sleep and my neck was so swollen it could fill my entire palm... My eyes started to bulge.. I remember giving up on all my hopes of ever being pretty because of the illness.. I remember feeling so lonely and helpless and unloved... Sometimes i hoped that I could just die... but I held on to the fervent belief that things would change for the better as I age...

In my secondary school years... I was in constant conflict whether or not to take my medication for thyroid disease... If I ate it.. it would cause weight gain.. which is a serious issue for me... If I did not.. it would cause my condition to deteoriorate... But as a teenager.. I didn't want to be ugly and fat... It was a serious issue to me then...

Somehow.. my childhood is filled with so many snipshots of suicide intentions.. and emotional and physical trauma that I have unintentionally blocked out so many memories.. It is only today.. when I looked through the photos that I begin to remember that even I had a past.. and I was young before... It was a arduous task trying to recall what my childhood was like.. I have literally brainwashed myself into forgetting about a whole big chunk of my past... It's amazing...

But I am glad that I am finally remembering it... It gives my experiences some credit.. because I am here... right now.. only because of the path that lies behind me..