10/9/08

Sent my twin off at the airport today. Thought that I would feel relieved. Actually felt quite lonely and lost.

I have always described Gwen to be anything but perfect. She is some resident evil that I am forced to live beside. Someone who is selfish, fake and immature. Someone I only make do with because I have no other choice. I need someone to fill up my loneliness and I used her. But the truth is, when it all comes down to sending her off at the airport. I actually do miss her alot. I do not know why. Is this love? It definitely resembles hate. Perhaps it is really true that love and hate is only divided by a very very thin line. Perhaps both love and hate cannot be measured. The only measurable thing is the amount you care for a person. If you care for the person enough to hate him/her, there is a high chance that behind that hate there is love.

Even in the process of making use of her to fill up my life, I really loved her. I guess humans are not built to survive. They are built to live. To take risks and be loved. There is no such thing as playing on the safe side. Of spending time together inconsequentially, no such thing as emotional detachment. We are just not capable of it. As we spend time with the people around us, as fake as we wish to be, we subconsciously store memories, sweet and bitter, which inadvertently make us attached to the people around us.
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I wrote the following sometime ago, when I was struggling with the lack of appreciation and a certain level of bullying and ill treatment.

"The only way you can survive in this environment, is to view yourself as an impediment, not an asset, to the institution in which you belong to. This way, you will not only not demand any form of respect and appreciation but rather stretch your capacity to tolerate any kind of abuse and bully."

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