God, please read this post.

I remembered when I first joined sportsteam. I only knew two persons in the club. Xiting and Stella. And I joined the club because of Stella.

I remember that it was about slightly more than a year ago when I watched Stella fight for the very time... at the PA-STF tournament. It was so incredible, mind blowing. I finally saw a female fighter who was so incredible. I wanted to get to know her better and I felt that any club that is able to train someone like Stella, is definitely a good club.

So when I first joined the club, I really wanted to become her friend. But even then I thought it was too much of an indulgence. Afterall, I am a reject. Someone that nobody wants. So I thought to myself, I don't mind becoming a fan. =)

As it turns out, I can't believe it but we are friends now. Perhaps God really isn't so mean to me afterall. He gave me Stella, Pong and Niki Mam. I know they are not perfect, but they have been unfairly nice to me. Just as many people have been unfairly mean to me, there are these people out there who are just nice to me for no good reason. It's not like I am pretty, or I fight very well, or I have a mind-blowing personality. I am just a reject from another club. But yet they are still nice to me anyway. Maybe that's the miracle I was waiting for all this time.

Met a few old secondary school friends lately. They asked me if I had a boyfriend. I said no. Inside me, and this is 100% honest, I do not want to have any boyfriends.. in fact no close guy friends either. Cannot handle it. Would rather be surrounded by my group of girl friends. People who I can talk to about anything under the sun, crack silly jokes with and make fun of. Keep it clean. No need to complicate my life by putting this time bomb in the center of it. Totally unnecessary.

Anyways, today is a new day. Feel a little mentally tired and traumatised from what happened yesterday. Couldn't sleep well last night. Choppy bouts of sleep. Heart was aching too much. Think I should take a nap before I head for driving class later. Need to distract myself. Got to do things, apart from taekwondo, to keep my engine going. Maybe the taekwondo compartment of my brain is being overworked now. Better to just rest it and switch to the driving and studying part of my brain.

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Dear LORD, heavenly father,

This life is too hard for me.
I can't live it by myself anymore.
You can have it.
Live this life for me.
Do what you want with it,
I am sure you have a greater purpose for it.
Fill up the emptiness in my heart.
Dear lord, if its possible,
please heal my heart of all its wounds,
so that I can love others completely and innocently as before,
and not always harbour suspicion and fear.
Help me trust your creation.
Help me trust you.
Lastly, please shower your grace and love unto me.
And open my heart to recieve it.
I know my brain has no faith now,
but my heart has faith.
I commit everything into your hands Dear LORD.
Please keep Gwen safe and sound,
and be with Jinhui at all times.

All this I pray in Jesus name,
Amen.