Keep breathing

There was a big hole in my heart... When I moved around and struggled to stay alive.. I felt like a dead man walking.. The only way I could convince myself to stay alive is to stop loving myself.. Because if I did.. I would definitely sink into self-pity.. and I knew that there can be nothing more deadly than self pity...

So it was good... but I can no longer settle for a life of a walking dead... I need to really love myself then come back into terms with the abuse I have been through and move on with life as a real living and breathing person.. Not some substandard lizard or monster... I must be a human again...

Training at NTU really gave me back all the self-pride I needed to fuel my recovery... I am finally slowly starting to recover..

First stage of recovery - Extreme self pity and feeling of injustice (all suicide intentions come in here)

Second stage of recovery - Understanding that when everything falls apart.. you just have to trust God and continue breathing...

Third stage - Finally becoming Denise Thong once again...

I am not good at looking after myself... I am not good at surviving... what I am good at is breathing... So let me.. for now concentrate on breathing... and let God take care of the rest...

Life doesn't have to be that hard.. You just have to be less perfectionistic... you have just have to ignore the mean comments of other people... You just have to keep your eyes on God and know that you are the righteousness of God through the blood of Jesus... Nothing you do can earn God's grace and love... but all that... is already given to you through the death of Jesus.. So your job is just to rest and recieve...

Of course... escapism is not a good option.. somewhere along the way.. you just got to sit yourself down and think about what you have been through.. not to fuel your self-pity but to grow wiser from your experiences... Try not to lose yourself in your struggle to stay alive.. Instead.. learn how to be comfortable in the skin you own... that you can walk around in this skin.. and feel proud of being you...

I think that's what adulthood is all about... Becoming comfortable in your own skin....