Self - pity

I try to control myself.. but I keep finding myself completely out of control.. I cry alot.. sometimes on the way to ballet... on the way to Taekwondo class... hardly on the way home though.. usually too tired... also because exercise makes you happier...

I try to control myself.. But I keep crying.. Try to keep it discreet though.. Normally starts with a few small tears... but it almost always escalates into a silent outburst... but face get crippled into a disgusting mess of tears.. and my mouth opens slightly releasing a silent scream... well.. i suppose i do freak out many SBS bus and SMRT commuters.. but what about what's going on inside..

You see, only self-centered people get depressed... especially one as narcissitic as me.. I just can't seem to understand why people will hurt me so... It's the self pity that kills me... You see... it normally starts with innocent thoughts like...

How's the club?
Do they miss me?
Do they still hate me?

Then it escalates into...

Why do they hate me?
Why did they abandon me?
Why did he sacrifise me?
Is he sorry?
Why didn't he trust me?
What's wrong with me?
Am I a freak?
Why are people like that?
What did I do wrongly?
Have I done anything correct in my life?
Am I even good at taekwondo?
Are people are too nice to tell me that I am bad?
Am I ugly? Is that it?
Why do the pretty girls have it so much easier?
Am I desperate? I must be.. all ugly girls are desperate.


Yap.. so that's about it.. in summary.. I am just an insecure brat who can't control her thought process enough to rule out self-pity.