Some Random Thoughts

Am I a genius? It is commonly believed that geniuses think so fast that their minds are swarmed with random thoughts that pops into their brain almost simultaneously.. Yes.. It must be. I am a genius! Nah... Just a narcissist.

Ok. with that said.. Some random thoughts. I am lonely. Yes.. Incredibly lonely. I just discovered it. This loneliness does not get any worse. It seems to be a part of me. My inability to trust anyone completely has made me a very lonely person.

I was at Melborne airport alone.. On transit to Cairns. I imagines that I would be frightened, uptight and lonely. But strangely no. I wasn't any lonelier that I was when I was in hot, sunny Singapore. In fact, I felt more at home than ever. This is when the complex philosophy comes in. I am a Singaporean.. born breed and fed here. This is my country.. my home... I am supposed to feel at home.. I am suppose to be comfortable. But why am I so uncomfortable? Ah yes.. I know the reason. It's the repeat dissapointment from country close buddies and 'lovers' (in inverted commas because clearly they don't know what love is). So strangely, my ability to fit in into a place that i am suppose to fit in has made me more lonely that i ever was.

So when I was at Melborne airport.. a young lonely chinese girl in a foreign land that discriminates Chinese.. I actually felt better. At least... I was expected to feel awkward and alone. And strangely, I was so clearly aware the the people there hated me for something that I could not help (my skin colour)... It makes me feel less guilty and responsible for my talent of being hated and ostracised. And knowing that hundreds of other chinese are being ostrasized just as I was (for no good reason) made me feel more home than ever. At the very least, I was not alone in this.

Oh yes.. my genius has led me to another seemingly unrelated thought.... Shit happens to everyone... yes... shit happens to everyone. Not only the bad.. but also the good. But more commonly, the different. People who are different will always attract shit. That's the way the world operates. In my trip to Sydney, I took the time to visit the Sydney Jewish Museum. It was about the Jews in Australia and of course the holocaust.

For months now, I have been pondering.. nah.. not pondering.. that is not a powerful enough word to describe the activity... For months now.. I have been digging my brain (genius brain no doubt) for answers. Answers to how men can condone such violation of human rights. I did not understand. And being the self-obsessed person I am, I cannot understand how someone, or rather a group of people, can perform such a terrible act on a charming and perfect person like me. It just doesn't make sense.

Well.. as it turns out.. Man has condoned, tolerated and even endorsed such great acts of indecency for centuries. The recent, most monstrous example would be the holocaust. Germans, as young as 5 were thought how to identify a Jew in school. The jews were dehumanised and given a 'monster-like' image in the minds of these young children. They were thought to hate. And as far as I am concerned... my experience has thought be that hating someone is often so much easier than loving someone. And while love can be such a great and powerful tool for motivation... so can hate. In fact, it is so much easier to influence a population to hate... all you need is someone who is passionate, confident and determined. Such a person... as charismatic as he can be can come up with any shitty reason as to why that person deserves to be hated. All you need is another passionate person to second that opinion. And tada... you get a justified reason to hate a person. Yes... you convince yourself that you are different from that person and will never commit the same MONSTROUS crime as that person.. and therefore... that person deserves to die.. and you deserve to live... yes.. good for you. But when you sleep at night.. and carefully ponder about the mistakes you have made in your life.. You start to see the striking similarity between you and that of which you hate. I wonder.. how do you live with yourself.

Fortunately.. There is a solution. That's love. I love the way Pastor Joseph Prince puts it. He says.. love is not a emotion.. its a person.. It's Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ died for ALL our sins. Including the one that you are hating me for... and the one that you hate _________ for... he died for all of them. He paid the price. So hello.. why are we demanding that _______ pays the price again. Isn't it sort of unfair. Yes yes yes.. i know what you are thinking.. but men needs to be disciplined in order to grow. And unfortunately, you are right. But lucky for us.. God already as a natural mechanism for that... there are consequences to our actions. But the least we can do is to be humble enough to understand that we ourselves are no better than those we hate because somehow or rather, we commit the same sins. So yes.. there's a need for discipline, but we are in no position to met out the punishment. Instead... let God decide.

Oh yes.. the smart Alexs among you will be challenging me with the judiscial system. If human beings aren't met to discipline each other, then why is there law? Well, let me put it this way.. half the people in the prison are innocent.. the other half.. are unlucky... and the law is only good at warning those who have yet to commit the crime... but what about those who are sentensed to death, what can it do to them. I am not God.. but I believe that God who have created every one of us would value us equally. A life of criminals would be worth as much as the life of a new born baby and of a cancer patient. So why do we put in so much effort to save the life of a cancer patient, while we so openly condone the death sentence? mind bogling eh? Well.. it gets better. You see... some of you will challenge me with the question of "why about those poor rape victims? Or the family members of those who were murdered? I am sure they need some kind of payment?".

The answer is simple... I never saw a gun save anybody. What's done is done. I am sure killing another life won't make your father come alive again. Similiarly... sentencing a man to life imprisonment won't return your innocence. What you need to do is to forgive and move on. Understand that all of us make mistakes. It's that some are more obviouse than others. Killing a man... raping a girl.. obviously wrong.. And yet... one do question if man do so firmly know his rights and wrong.. I mean.. the entire German population and much of the other government around the world knew that something was going wrong during the holocaust.. But all were too obsessed with their problems to give a damn. And yet.. in their indifference.. they have tolerated the dissapearance of countless jews.. Makes you wonder.. doesn't it?

Ahh.. a little heavy isn't it... fortunately for us.. God doesn't want us to think so much. He wants us to rely completely on him. Be like little children.. innocent and carefree. It is thinking too much and believing that what you do can possibly change the world that make you age faster. I mean however enlightened and wise i think I am ... I can definitely not find a solution to share this wisdom... or to cure the world of hatred... yes.. i am destroy and eradicate discrimination. But I can do my part. Whenever I see an old lady or blind man selling tissue.. i can buy a couple Whenever I see a friend or fellow classmate being ostrasized.. I can show him support. Well.. I do what I can.. hoping that one day.. someone will come rescue me.. Yes... i long for that.. and every sunday the church convinces me that he's has come.. the one hero... Jesus Christ.. Well... I must admit that I have become quite independent.. maybe its because of my dependence on Jesus... one can only hope this much....

I love loki.. my dog.. he's so cute.. so innocent. and so genuine. I know I can trust him because dogs can't fake love. And when he licks me on my face.. I always feel that he loves me. Someone once told me that every woman longs to be loved.. however, above that, they long to love someone. Perhaps.. the absense of a male companion has lead me to pour all my love on this unassuming puppy. Perhaps... Well... at least he won't play me out and try to destroy me. That I am sure.