For just one day

Yesterday something happened that really broke my heart... Seeing Jinhui leave... for China.. for two years... Realise that I am not really good at sending people off.. Always end up crying like a mad woman in the airport... Maybe I'm just too sentimental? Maybe its from all the bottled up frustrations from losing my match... Whatever it is... Jinhui.. I will always miss you and think about you... Please be safe and sound.. and return home even stronger and happier!!! God bless!!!

There's this pain in my heart.. a little like a headache.. Everytime I think about losing that match.. the heart just starts aching uncontrollably.. It was quite terrible yesterday.. Similarly, I got another more physically bruise on my left shin yesterday.. I was all red and raw last night.. but when I woke up today.. it was gone... Looking at it now.. Its turned into a bluest greenish gray... Perhaps I am already recovering.. At least my shin is sort of recovering... Perhaps even my heart will recover.. But I guess its too much to expect my shin and heart to recover in just one day... Maybe recovery is another mysterious process of training... it could be something like the process of cooking porridge.. you need to cook for a long time under a small fire... and stir consistently... cannot subject it to high heat for a short duration of time.. or you end up burning the porridge..

Nonetheless.. it really hurts.. I can't feel the pain of my shin at all.. because my heart hurts too much.. Feel like crying but something in me.. is holding the tears back.. I can cry at the smallest matters.. but somehow.. I can't cry from this... maybe I need a hug... let me go hug Loki..

Ok, after waking loki up from his deep sleep and smothering him like a stuff toy... I still feel pretty hurt... Was thumping my chest like a drum yesterday, realised that I am really skinny.. can really feel my bones in pain when I did that.. that might explain the physical pain...

Maybe what I need now is some humanly support.. but I just sent Jinhui off last night... and I all alone now.. If I could give myself a pat on the head... big hug and kiss on the cheek and say that don't worry.. "no matter what happens, I will love you"... I would do it.. It's just that.. that's not physically possible....

Think about it... when I am an 80 year old lady... wearing diapers.. sitting on a rocking chair watching television... would I feel that today (a precious day of 21 when I am physically fit and healthy)... is a complete waste feeling like a piece of shit? I'ld probably trade everything I have just to come back in time and live today in the best way I can.. I'ld probably go eat all the things I like to eat.. put on my ballet shoes and dance again... run to a taekwondo club and kick some sandbag... run to the kids.. carry them and play with them... listen to their jokes and stories.. tickle them and make them laugh... I'ld probably carry my dog in my arms and dance with him then put him on the ground and have a round of light contact sparring with him... Then I will probably go to sentosa... wear a bikini and laze around the beach... rolling around the sand... I will go home to a warm bath... kiss my dog on his head... and fall asleep feeling like the happiest person on earth..

I think that's what I need to do today.. I need to go out and live life like I am an 80 year old in a 21 year old's body for just ONE day... For just one day i get to be young and healthy... don't waste it...