One reason why I keep a blog is to keep a record of the my thoughts for each day. I find it extremely necessary especially on days when I am highly depressed.

If I had to dissect myself, I would say that I am 90% supremely happy and 10% of the time, utterly depressed. I have mood swings. Very severe ones. Most of the time, I am supremely happy (when I focus on my blessings), but sometimes, when my past crawls back up to haunt me, I slip into this deep deep depression. Some of the times, I will sink so deep that I end up developing suicidal tendencies. Hence the need for a blog. Was hoping to leave a collection of thoughts for my parents. If I should die, at least they would know what I was thinking in the last few months of my life.

Of course, my blog has many other purposes too. I am narcissitic. I am. No doubt about it. And somehow, I feel this compulsion to share my revelations with as many people as I can. But deep down inside, I know that the truth is that no one is really interested. And that the interested people will probably take the effort to locate and read this blog. So perhaps, having a blog is the best option. It compels people to read this monologue. It is not by any means an exchange of opinion and in no way, will I ever know who my readers are and whether my blog as any readers at all. This way, I will be better able to delude myself into thinking that people actually care about me.

There is an ongoing AUG selection at NTU. I really want to go. I really want to fight. And I know that if I get the chance, I will fight till my very last breath. I will train hard and be my very best. But at the very same time, I know how dangerous it is, to have such strong desires for something. It transforms you. Makes you into a one-minded determined beast with no consideration for anyone else. Hence, I have decided to leave this decision to God. I go for the selection with no absolute promise that I might enter the competition. BUT, I still go. Because I am giving God a chance to work. Giving myself a chance to fulfil my dreams. I know that ultimately it will not be by my self-efforts that I achieve my dreams, but by God's grace. But for what its worth, with God on my side, even the training is fun and enjoyable. Even if I do not get selected, at least I had the chance to train, to make new friends and to improve. God has a purpose for everything. There is no such thing as a coincidence. I must have a good opinion of God and believe that everything will work out for the best in due time.