library

Wrote the following post in the library, as I was studying. Was distracted.
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There are sometimes, when I sit down in the library highlighting my readings that memories of that incident pop up in my head. Looking at the sheets of paper with my smses, I tried to picture my seniors and instructors using a yellow highlighter (just like the one I was holding on to a moment ago) and writing notes beside my shameless confessions to be used later to humiliate and eradicate me. It is at these moments that I feel the urge to take a pen knife and slit my wrist there and then, in the safety of my NUS library. (this is precisely why I keep no sharp objects near me)

I guess what I experienced was not merely the breaking of my heart but more so the crushing of everything that gve me the strength to live. It is the sudden realisation that humans can be so easily manipulated, so cruel and so brutal to even their friends and students, people they once laughed and cried with.

Coming into terms with this fact is the first stage of wisdom. I look around me to attempt to search for further evience to back up my belief that this life is no longer worth living. Fortunately, as I look around me, at the advancements in technology, at the smiles of those around me, I see this isn't so. Men is not all evil, as capable as they are in destroying things, they have created so many things. And it is true that every man is borned with an innate desire to do good. Very sadly, it also this desperate desire to do good that can be so easily twisted into a desperate need to destroy one's percieved evil. I have never done any thing terribly wrong in my life, and yet with a few finely manipulated words, I have become the percieved evil.

I guess this was how Jesus must jave felt as he was being whipped abd crucified by the ones he wished to save. As Godly as he was, Jesus was also human. He must have felt the exact same pain that I am feeling now. He must have been in great conflict. Perhaps, the more the humans abused him, the more he saw his death as necessary. For as he witnessed the full glory of madness in man, he started to fully identify with their ned for a savior and see why his death was necessary to save this hopelessly helpless race.

Many have asked to recall and narrate my experience. But I have refrained from doing so plainly because of the following two reasons:

Number 1: I believe that I really really respected him. And I believe that once you declare that you respect someone, it comes with certain responsibilitites, You must never hurt that person. You must never do anything to spoil his reputation. No matter what he does to you, you must always be on his side. You know, it is alright to be upset and to feel disgusted by everyone else, but you must always respect and love yourself. By not retaliating, I allow myslef to continue to love and respect myself. I want to survive. And I intend to do so in a dignified way.

Number 2: There is a high chance that people might not believe me. I am not Miss popular. Instead of sympathising with me, they might turn around and accuse me. Worse still they might pretend to sympathise with me, then turn around and spread a different variation of the story with everyone else, laughing behind my back. I know this might seem small to you, because you are not living my life, but for me (imagine you are me), this additional sense of betrayal and hopelessness will totally destroy me. So, to self-protect, I have to remain silent.

Lately, I have become increasingly aware of the presence of 'fried tofu' presonalities around me. Soft on the inside an hard on the outside. And I fully understand that I am not alone in this. Many people over the past thousands of years, have experienced similar and alot worse circumstances. History just keeps repeating itself. And Because of my increased sensitivity and compassion to those around me, recollections of my horrible experience usually leads to an upsurge of injustice followed by a long period of compassion and love.

I see myself leading a fulfilled and meaningful life. Not self-centered, but centered around others. I need to become the voice to speak for those who can't speak for themselves. To become the one who stands up and say "Stop it! This is too much! You shoudl not be doing this. Give him some respect. He is still human, just like you. Why do you treat a fellow human kind so poorly?"

Sort of sounds like super hero eh? But I don't endeavor to become a super hero. I just want to be a tool of God. To work God's will.