Private counselling

Why do people fall down? So that they can learn how to pick themselves up. Why do I blog? Because when I feel most alone and vulnerable and depressed, I have no one to talk to. And it is true that when you laugh, you laugh with many.. but when you cry, you cry alone.. Since I am so good at giving other people advise.. I guess its time to take my own advise... Perhaps..this is another monologue with the holy spirit within me...

Why did you travel so far.. brave so many storms... go through so much pain... just to throw it all away? There is a purpose for everything.. the dawn is always darkest before day break (from batman) We all fall sometimes... and we all make mistakes... but we got to learn to forgive outselves and move on... You cannot afford to hang around the same spot whining and moping about a past defeat... You've got to pick yourself up and carry on...

But I am too tired... I am too tired... I am far too tired to pick myself up anymore..

Denise. Listen to me. If you could do it.. why was there a need for Jesus in the first place? Think about it.

Yes.. It's all Jesus and no me.

You are right. And do you notice that you only blog when you are upset? When you desperately need advise... You think its an outlet to vent your frustrations but what you have produced is nothing short of sheer beauty... Your blogs carry wisdom.. And wisdom is not learnt from successes and medals... you get them from experience.. and most of the time painful and difficult experiences...

I feel so helpless and useful.. I feel like I really suck.. I am so afraid that all my friends will leave me once they realise I can't fight well... that I am not as good as they imagined...

Think about it carefully and calmly now. What do you really have.. Do you define something that changes so rapidly as something you truly posess... If a friend flips and leaves you on the lurge when you most need her... If your family member abandons you when you are in dire circumstances.. do you really actually have them in the first place? Were they ever your friend? If they were never yours in the first place, you should not fear losing them. The things that you truly own.. are things that do not change... I can think of only one thing that doesn't change.. God's love for you. That's eternal.. Yes.. It's true that somethings are more or less permanent.. like your parent's love for you.. your dog's love for you... but if placed under comparison with God's love.. even these things fade in comparison.. So for today.. I want you to focus only on one thing.. God's love for Denise Thong. That is the one thing that you will always have. Now and fifty years later.. 500 years later... God's love for you.

But what about those people I truly treasure and love.. My friends in TKD...

Think about it... Why do you love them in the first place? And if you do love them, then you should have confidence in their character. If they are the judgemental, shallow type, they are not only not deserving of your love.. but also dangerous to keep around you as friends.. If they should show discrimination against you and start to distant themselves from you, it will be your blessing and protection.. Remember your blog entry on the self-correcting mechanism? God calls it a PPP (people protection plan).. to protect the ones he love most... to prevent them from being hurt... he made it as such.. do not despise it.. instead.. understand that EVERYTHING happens for a purpose.. even bad things.

Do I fight well?

You do. It's just that.. even your best... from all your self-effort, training, struggling to survive.. is a pale comparison to what God can achieve through you... Your best effort might be an 8/10 on the scale but what God can do through you will totally blow the minds of man... you will reach far beyond the scale of 10. Because God is supernatural.. and you are only natural.. So remember, the next time you fight, REMEMBER that God is on your side.. He is in you.. You are the empty olive shoot created to contain God and work for his purpose... That is what you failed to realise.. You go out there fighting like a human... struggling to stay alive.. you panicked.. Remember.. God is great... yes.. not just great.. he is very very great... He's like the 1000000 point trumph card in a game of 100 points... yes.. maybe there are politics.. maybe there are mean people around.. but all you have to do is stay calm and at all times throw out your trumph card... God's grace and goodness will give you the edge over everything else...

It's strange.. I don't feel lonely and upset anymore.. I feel happy... I feel reminded that setbacks are only a temporary stage before the greater glory... I want to win. I will win.

Denise, that's the problem with you.. you are always out to win.. It's like winning a match, a tournament is a destination for you.. Can I ask you.. what happens after that? Do you cease to become denise.. and perhaps become an even better denise? Do you let your self-worth be defined by winning.. in that case, when you lose, you will lose all self-worth.. It's dangerous and it really breaks my heart to see you so obsessed with winning.. For me, its a clear indication that I am not giving you enough now.. and that you are not satisfied... and that for some queer reason.. God's love itself is insufficient for you to feed on...

I know.. I know.. But I can't help it.. I seem to always long to win.. I like the fame and glory.. i like to hear the crowd cheer for me.. At the same time.. I feel pressurised.. and I feel like I am in pain.. forced to change into a violent merciless creature...

Denise.. Don't look at anyone else when you define taekwondo... it's just like when a husband defines his wife (his object of adoration).. he looks through only his own eyes.. and sees the greatest beauty within her.. it is true that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and that no other man on earth will ever see her as beautiful as her husband does... but does that make him delusional? No. It only makes him eligible and deserving to be the husband of that woman.. Because only he knows the goodness and true treasures within her.. Similarly, don't other people define taekwondo for you... don't look at the violent, ugly, injuring matches and get influenced.. Look at the good fights.. look at Lanetar, Jason, Sir... look how graceful, elegant and beautiful sparring can actually be.. To score a point without injuring others.. preserving dignity and courage and steadiness and mental stability at all times... that is the beauty that you can see in taekwondo.. Do not let it slip away... and do not think that you are delusional.. because you are not.. you are just eligible to continue loving and pursuing taekwondo.. because you see the true beauty and character of this sport...

What about that point on winning? Is it bad to want to win?

Being determined is essential to win any match.. even the matches of life. But always remember that even if you lose.. you don't truly lose anything.. for success and victories are metted out by God.. and God who loves so so so much.. only wants to bless you with good successes.. some successes.. blow you out of proportion and lead you closer and closer to self-destructive self effort.. think about it.. now that you have nothing.. you have nothing to lose.. you are more able to put your mind together and train for the upcoming tournament.. but even then.. count not on your training but God's grace to achieve the Godly... Always remember.. that if it is by your own efforts.. you can only achieve the humanly.. but with God's grace.. you will be Godly...

Hahahahahahahaha... feeling a sudden burst of excitement and happiness.. I can finally genuinely rejoice the success of sports team.. We are the number 1 club in singapore!!! First time!! My goodness.. Thanks God!! It is ironic how just talking to you can change my mindset.. Somehow I feel rejuvenated.. washed out but a new sense of expectation of good... you know what faith is? It is the confident expectation of good that is derived by having a good opinion of God and knowing that he only wants good things to happen to you..

I have another secret for you.. That will blow your mind.. Whether or not, you are aware of my presence.. I have always been in you.. and will always be with you... I will grow with you.. you might not see me, but others will see me through you.. just concentrate on breathing... I will take care of the rest....

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Sometimes I feel that I am really rather schizophrenic.. to produce blog entries like this.. Maybe I am just lonely and want to be a good friend to myself? Maybe there is really a holy spirit within me... Maybe I am just conflicted because my personality is so extreme.. I am both childish and mature... both strong and weak... I guess this is the beauty of being a human being... living in the gray..